IOHITF or It Only Happens In The Fanfic
by Killer Barbie
Summary: WARNING: contains Legolasmocking. Elena ends up in Middleearth and meets Legolas, but they don't even like each other. In fact, they HATE each other, but they end up being stuck together on her journey home.
1. Prologue

It Only Happens In The Fanfic (IOHITF)  
  
WARNING!!! Contains serious Legolas-mocking!!!  
  
E/N: Hi everyone! Here's my new story, It Only Happens In The Fanfic, or IOHITF. I wrote this because I got sick and tired of all the "Mary Sue ends up in Middle-earth" stories, and of the overdone Legolas romances. Don't get me wrong; there are good stories among them, but just a bit too much for my liking. People go too easy on Legolas. So I decided to give him a hard time. Please don't kill me, I agree that Legolas is good-looking, but I'm just gonna make it hard enough for him to break a sweat now and then. This takes place after the WotR, and I'm trying to keep it as loyal to the occurrences after WotR as told in the books as possible. Characters are also kept in their original state, or the closest I could get to that.  
  
So anyway, I hope you'll like this, reviews very much appreciated, constructive criticism won't kill me, flames will be sent to Denethor.  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
Disclaimer: No I don't own Legolas, nor anything else Tolkien already owns (like the fragment from the Hobbit below), but I do own Elena, Jason, the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom(tm) and other characters that will be introduced later on.  
  
WARNING!!!  
  
This story does NOT contain: Mary Sue, annoying clichés (okay, okay, just one), self insertion, the One Ring (post LotR), Dark Lords (unless you count Legolas) or Legomance (with main character).  
  
This story DOES contain: Legolas-mocking, one cliché, Legolas-mocking, lots of characters from the books, Legolas-mocking, humor & adventure (the story is supposed to contain that, anyway), Legolas-mocking, Original Characters, Legolas in great pain and... an actual plot gasps. May contain traces of nut or seed.  
  
All of the above stated is based purely on original plans and may slightly alter later on. I will notify immediately if any such thing would happen, but do not plan on making changes. Beware of the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom™ though.  
  
_"The feasting people were Wood-elves, of course. These are not wicked folk. If they have a fault, it is distrust of strangers. (...) They differed from the High Elves of the West, and were more dangerous and less wise." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 8; Flies and Spiders)

* * *

_

Prologue

* * *

The story I'm about to tell you is weird. No, that's an understatement. It's ridiculous and absolutely unbelievable to be true. The thing is, it IS true, but there's nobody I can talk to. Nobody would believe me. I'm not even sure if _I _believe me. Do you want to know what I'm talking about? Here's what happened.  
  
---  
  
Okay, so maybe I should introduce myself first. My name is Elena, and I am 19 years old. Here on plain ol' earth my name is Greek, comes from Helena and means as much as "light". When I was 9 years old I first read the Hobbit and since then I have been obsessed, as people like to call it, with anything Tolkien. That includes the movies, of course. It didn't take me long to find out that in Middle-earth my name means "of the stars". I don't like Middle-earth much anymore. In fact, I would hate it if it wasn't for one minor detail.  
  
My best friend is, or was, Jason Hornsby. He's gone. It's as simple as that. He looked exactly like our most beloved Orlando Bloom only Jason had blue eyes, not brown ones. He was my best friend since I was 12 years old, and how come I never fell in love with him, I don't know. Legolas has always been my favorite character and if your best friend looks like the actor who plays him you should be able to say that I fell in love with my best friend. But that didn't happen. In fact, now almost 3 months after all things changed, I'm still seriously pissed. How all this came to pass, I'll tell you.

---

It all started some three months ago, on the 14th of June. I had just turned 19, and my summer holiday had just started on that day, so I was in a pretty good mood. The fact that I had graduated 1 year too late didn't bother me a single bit. Fan fiction, here I come! I didn't think of much else when I got out of bed that morning.  
  
I think I sat behind the computer all day, reading stories and occasionally writing on my own. I liked the "girls end up in Middle-earth" a lot, and envied the girls, because they got to go there and fall in love with Legolas and stuff, while I could only sit behind my computer and dream of meeting him. In case that didn't happen, meeting Orlando Bloom dressed up as Legolas would work for me. But meeting Orlando or Legolas only happens in the fanfic anyway. Having a best friend who knows he looks like the actor and likes to pull pranks made that clear to me.  
  
One time Jason had gotten a Legolas costume somewhere, and a wig. Of course he had imitated Legolas, and he did it so well that you couldn't tell the difference between Jason and real-life Legolas. Even the voice was exactly the same. And I'd believed it, I seriously did, until he started laughing uncontrollably. That's when I realized it was Jason. And I got pissed, royally. So pissed in fact that I punched him in the stomach and told him that I hoped a horde of screaming fangirls who thought he was real would stampede him. When he told me he wouldn't mind such a thing I just walked away, with a face type thunderstorm.  
  
Of course we made up and he took me to the Fellowship to celebrate that we were friends again. He didn't mind that I'd already seen it 23 times and quoted along with everything that was said on the screen. The other people in the cinema did, though, and we got kicked out halfway. But we were best friends again so we just laughed and went to get something to munch on.  
  
But back to what happened that day. Not much really, actually nothing at all, except that I sat behind my computer all day; reading, writing, and dreaming about Legolas and Middle-earth. It was the next day that changed my entire life.

---

That next afternoon I went to take a walk through the forest behind my house. I love the trees, flowers, singing of the birds... but never once bothered to try and learn all their names. I'm not really the type of girl to sit down and study, more like the girl to jump up for action. Something that usually caused me to get in trouble. The fact that I liked all these things probably had something to do with my 10-year-old wish to be an Elf and marry Legolas. I'd even taken lessons in archery and, since about a year, in horseback riding to be more Elf-like.  
  
That's how I met Jason. He was the best at archery and I, well it would be right to say that I absolutely sucked at it. So he helped me with archery and we became friends, best friends, but never more than that. I improved at archery a lot, but let's face it, I'll never be very good at it. 7 years ago it was that Jason and I had become friends, and in those seven years we did practically everything together, having no secrets for each other at all. Or so I thought. He purposely lied to me right from the first day we met.  
  
But that day, when I walked through the forest, we were still friends, and things were different from what they are now. I was just walking there, worriless, singing out loud not caring about the fact that I'm not much of a singer. There was nobody around anyway. So singing my favorite song I came to my favorite spot in the forest on my favorite day of the week. Saturday. Had I known what was about to happen, I'd probably run back home straight away, or behaved differently. But I didn't know, so I stood there silently looking around.  
  
It was a clearing on a hilltop, surrounded by mostly oak and elm trees, if I guess correctly. The glade was grassy, with an occasional flower growing in it. An ordinary glade you would say. But there was one thing that made this glade so different from all others. In the center of it stood a giant rock, up straight, egg-shaped. The surface was so perfectly smooth and the rock was placed so perfectly in the center of the glade, that I was sure humans had put it there. Rocks like that don't just show up in the center of a glade out of nowhere. I remained in the cool shadow of the trees, it was a pretty hot day and it was hardly noon. I leaned against a big tree, staring at the rock. It didn't take long for me to doze off.  
  
I immediately opened my eyes when an arrow brushed past my cheek and hit the tree right next to my head.

---

At the other side of the clearing stood a tall figure with long blond hair, clad in a green tunic and brown tights, holding a bow.  
  
'Jason! You idiot!' I shouted. 'How many times do I have to tell you that it's NOT funny?!'  
  
'Jason?' he asked, pulling an unreadable face.  
  
'Yes. Jason. Your name, remember?!'  
  
'I'm not this uhm... Jason figure. My name is Legolas Greenleaf and I'm-'  
  
'Oh come on! You've had your fun once Jason, that's enough. I'm not buying it this time. Just lose the accent and take off the wig will you?'  
  
'Wig?' he asked, confused look on his face. I sighed. I'd almost start believing that Jason's a natural blond. But then again, he isn't. I walked over to him until I stood practically against him. Quickly I stretched out my hand and pulled off the wig. Except that it didn't come off.  
  
'AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! What do you think you're doing?! It's not a wig, stop pulling!' Jason screamed. I let go of his hair. It was then that I noticed the pointed ears, a detail he'd forgotten last time and I'd pointed out to him afterwards.  
  
'Oh God, please don't tell me you stole those ears somewhere just to pull your stupid prank on me?' I asked. 'You're crazy Jason, getting that outfit, the hair and even fake ears just to fool someone.'  
  
'I demand an apology!' he shouted. 'My ears are real, beautiful and I'm proud of them!'  
  
'Sure Jason' I tried to pull off the ears. Funny, they felt so real... Jason's face showed an expression of pain as I did that, and suddenly he grabbed my wrist. I let go of his ear, but he didn't let go of my wrist. Instead, he started dragging me off into the forest.  
  
'What are you doing?!' I yelled, trying to kick him and get loose.  
  
'I'm locking you away before you decide to try to pull off more of my bodyparts because you doubt their reality!' he replied as he kept dragging me further off into the forest. I couldn't help noticing that he was walking... well "enthusiastic" might be a good way of describing it.  
  
'Yeah, like your masculinity,' I whispered.  
  
'I heard that.'  
  
'You were supposed to.'  
  
Several minutes later we came to a huge clearing amidst the trees. People were walking about busy... singing and dancing? It wasn't even the freakiest thing. It was the great gates in a hill of the clearing that drew my attention. We were standing on a path directly towards those gates. There's no such thing in our forest... slowly the message started to get through to me.  
  
'Where the hell am I?!' I shouted.  
  
'The forest of Ithilien in Gondor. Emyn Arnen to be more precise. That over there is my palace' the answer came dryly. I turned to face him.  
  
'Come again?'

---

I walked around my cell for the umpteenth time. It was dark, cold, smelled moldy, and well, was pretty much everything I'd expected from a dungeon. Except that there were no rats. Yet. There was a heap of hay in the corner for me to sleep on –it looked like it came directly from the stables, and also smelled as it had already been used by horses- and a bottle of water next to the door. I hadn't touched the water, I had no idea if it could be trusted.  
  
Right after the arrival at the palace two Elves– man, I still don't believe it- had taken me away from Legolas and locked me in here. Right from that point I started doubting my sanity. I couldn't be in Middle-earth. It's impossible. I'd pinched myself several, or actually a lot of times before I realized it wasn't a nightmare. Still it didn't make sense to me. How had I gotten here, and why? And how come I could understand what Legolas said? I don't speak Westron, and he doesn't speak English. Hell, I don't even think he's heard of that language. None of it made sense, but still it was happening. In the meantime I was hoping for a nurse to show up to give me my medication.  
  
It wasn't how I'd always imagined Middle-earth, or Legolas for that matter, to be like. In my imagination I never got to see dungeons and somehow I always ended up living happily ever after with Legolas. In my imagination. This was real. I think. And in this reality I'd only been around Legolas for about 30 minutes and I already hated him.  
  
--- Legolas's POV ---  
  
I stood in front of the door of the cell, trying to decide what I should do. I had stood there quite a while, at least two hours, not knowing what to do next. I'd gone through everything that had happened today several times already. I had left the palace early to practice my archery. Somewhere around noon, when I was shooting on my favorite spot in the forest, the strange mortal girl appeared right after I shot an arrow, and well, attacked me. Then I had taken her to my palace and locked her away. Which was a good thing to do since she had the ability to appear out of nowhere and was obviously very dangerous.  
  
So she had been locked away for a couple of hours now, but I still didn't know what to do with her. I thought of Aragorn, or King Elessar since about a decade. Maybe he could give me some advice on how to handle this murderous mortal. But I couldn't leave her behind for my servants to handle, or I'd return to find a massacre. That only left one option: I had to take her with me.  
  
'Eru be with me,' I whispered.  
  
--- Elena's POV ---  
  
I was still walking around in the cell, thinking of ways to escape, when suddenly the door flew open. I turned around and saw Legolas enter.  
  
'Look at that, Drama Queen making a dramatic entrée,' I said.  
  
'Keep your mouth shut, will you?' Legolas replied, glaring at me. 'Get your things, we're leaving.'  
  
'I don't have anything.'  
  
'Good, then we're leaving right now.'  
  
'Why?'  
  
'Because I'm telling you that we are!'  
  
'Whereto?'  
  
'Minas Tirith.'  
  
'What are we gonna do there?'  
  
'Visit a friend of mine.'  
  
'Do you even have any friends?'  
  
'Yes, I do. Let's go.'  
  
'I don't wanna,' I said. Legolas sighed and grabbed my wrist again. He dragged me out of the cell, ignoring my protests, punches and kicks until we entered the stables. Damn, that guy is strong. Stupid Elf-boy.  
  
'Can you ride?' he asked.  
  
'Of course I can, why?'  
  
'Because I don't want to take you on _my _horse.'  
  
'Fine.'  
  
'Fine.'  
  
A young Elf entered the stables, guiding two horses. The first one was a white stallion, tall and with perfectly shaped muscles, pretty much the perfect steed. The other one was a brown stallion, smaller than the white one and less muscular of stature. Legolas immediately mounted the white stallion, but I nervously tapped the floor with my feet, biting my lip.  
  
'Is there a problem?' Legolas smirked. I bit my lip harder, but didn't speak. 'Well?'  
  
'I don't know how to ride without a saddle,' I whispered after a while. Legolas started laughing at me. I glared at him, but it didn't help. I swear, if I ever get my hands on a bow and a full quiver I'll use Legolas for target practice. Stupid Elf.  
  
'Then now is the time to learn,' Legolas said as he stopped laughing. He grinned as I tried to mount the other horse. It took me 15 minutes before I finally managed to get up. I sent Legolas a look that meant as much as "say something and I'll hurt you so bad that you'll wish you were mortal". Legolas didn't reply and quickly rode off, I followed not far behind him.  
  
--- Legolas's POV ---  
  
'Are we there yet?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'How about now?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Or now?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'And what about now?'  
  
'NO! NO! AND NO AGAIN!!! WHE'RE NOT THERE YET!!!' I shouted at the mortal girl. We'd been riding almost the entire day now, the sun was setting, I was looking for a place to make camp, and all day long the girl had done nothing but whining. At least six times I'd nearly given into the temptation to just shoot her and ride back. But I'm a peace-loving, good Elven prince so I didn't.  
  
'Elfie, I gotta pee!' she whined.  
  
'I've got a name!' I hissed.  
  
'Legging-las, right?'  
  
'It's Legolas! LEGOLAS!!! LE-GO-LAS!!! GET IT RIGHT!!!'  
  
'Yeah, yeah... whatever. I gotta pee.'  
  
'Wait till we make camp.'  
  
'But I really have to go!'  
  
'I said WAIT!'  
  
'But Legging-las...'  
  
'LEGOLAS!!!' I shouted. That stupid mortal girl couldn't even get my name right! It's so frustrating to have to listen to names like "Elfie", "Blondie" and "Legging-las" all day long. I reached for one of my knives.  
  
'I wanna bathe!' she continued whining.  
  
'Do you see a bath anywhere? Well, do you?!' she didn't respond. Instead she just started sulking. I drew the knife and looked at it.  
  
'Are you gonna attack me again?' she snickered.  
  
'_I_ attacked YOU?! YOU attacked _me!_'  
  
'I didn't attack you! You attacked me!'  
  
'Not true!'  
  
'So someone else shot the arrow?!'  
  
'You jumped out of nowhere and tried to tear me to pieces!' I said as we reached a split in the road.  
  
'WHAT?! I didn't-'  
  
'You tried to kill me!'  
  
'I wish I'd succeeded!' she fired back. I glared at her. She glared back at me.  
  
'We have to go to the right here,' I said, knowing which path to take.  
  
'I don't want to go right,' she sent me a challenging look, then pressed her heels into the sides of her steed. It started galloping onto the left road. What the-? She's trying to escape! I quickly put the knife back, pressed on my own steed and rode after her. It didn't take me long to catch up on her, my horse is much faster than hers anyway.  
  
'Turn around this instant!' I commanded.  
  
'I don't want to!'  
  
'You don't have anything to say in this matter! You're my prisoner!' I replied. She glared at me again. 'Now turn around before I remember the fact that I'm the best archer in Middle-earth!' she snickered, but did slow down her horse and turned back.  
  
'Tell that to the Balrog' she muttered. What? Did she just- impossible! Is she some sort of- no way. Just a coincidence. 'In my world, people are not treated this way. Not in civilized countries anyway. But then again, Elves are obviously not very civilized.' That's it! This is the bloody limit! First she's all "I'm not from this world you know" and now insulting the Fair Folk?! She'll pay for that!  
  
'You'd better show the Elves some respect,' I hissed.  
  
'Or what?'  
  
'I'll declare you Elf-fiend.'  
  
'Yeah, that really scares me,' she replied. I glared at her again. I'd make her pay for it, just you wait and see. She'll be wishing she hadn't behaved like this before the end of the journey...  
  
--- Elena's POV ---  
  
I followed Legolas's example as he slowed down his horse and halted.  
  
'Finally, Minas Tirith,' he mumbled. I followed his gaze. I held my breath as I took in the view, overwhelmed by the beauty. In no way possible had I been able to imagine it this way. Within the topmost wall of the city stood a tall tower, a very fair one, glimmering like... like a spike of pearl and silver. "The Tower of Ecthelion!" my mind cried out. The pinnacle glittered as if wrought of crystals, and I saw white banners fluttering from the battlements in the cool evening breeze. Through the entire valley could be heard a clear ringing.  
  
'Silver trumpets...' I whispered as I thought of Tolkien's description.  
  
'The king greets us,' Legolas said. 'Let's go.' He pressed his ankles slightly into the sides of his horse and rode towards the city. I followed him. The reason was simple: as soon as we'd gotten back on the right road Legolas had told me not to try and flee, or he'd shoot me without mercy. Stupid Elf. Two days had we been riding to Minas Tirith in total, and in that time I'd gotten a hang of riding without a saddle, to Legolas's great grief.  
  
--- Aragorn's POV ---  
  
I sat in my study, considering the possibilities I had to stop the growing amount of orc-raids lately, when somebody knocked on the door.  
  
'Come in,' I said. One of my lackeys entered the room.  
  
'My King, Lord Legolas is in the throne room waiting for you. There is an unknown lady with him,' he said.  
  
'Thank you, I'll be right there,' I said as I stood up. The lackey left the room, and I followed. Before I entered the throne room a herald announced my arrival. Personally I wished he didn't do it, but it was a custom and very improper if I didn't. I wondered why Legolas had come to visit me all of a sudden. And with a lady by his side. Was he finally getting married and did he bring his future wife to introduce us? Or was it something else? When the herald was done naming my titles I entered the giant hall and walked to my throne. I noticed Legolas and the... _young girl _in front of my throne. They kneeled for me as I sat down. I gestured for them to rise and they stood up.  
  
I looked at my friend, then at the girl by his side. She had chestnut brown curls reaching to her shoulder, and brown eyes with an odd golden circle around them. They reminded me of a deer, young and innocent. She was definitely human, but very tall, just as tall as Legolas, which was strange. Stranger even were the clothes she was wearing. She wore some sort of blue tunic with blue breeches, of the strangest material I've ever seen. Not to mention the kind of shoes she was wearing. Dear Eru, where did Legolas find her?  
  
'Stop staring at me like that!' she suddenly shouted. Legolas glared at her.  
  
'Be quiet you!' he hissed. 'You do not speak until the king speaks to you first!' I raised an eyebrow. This situation was quite... _interesting_.  
  
'Legolas, come forward please,' I said. Legolas stepped up and I gestured for him to stand beside my throne. 'Who is she?' I asked, nodding towards the girl.  
  
'She's my prisoner,' Legolas whispered, so that she wouldn't hear what he said.  
  
'Your prisoner?' Legolas nodded. 'Where did you find her?'  
  
'In Ithilien.'  
  
'What was she doing there?'  
  
'I don't know! I was busy with target practice and then suddenly she stood right next to my arrow!'  
  
'How did she get there?'  
  
'She just appeared out of nowhere.'  
  
'Look, Legolas, you and I both know that things like that are impossible and-'  
  
'I'm not crazy!'  
  
'Of course not! But there must be a logical explanation to this all. Did you ask her where she comes from?'  
  
'She says she's from a land called... well it's a place I've never heard of, and when I say that, she says "duh it's in another world"! She's crazy! Crazy I'm telling you!' Legolas exclaimed. I shortly glanced at her.  
  
'She's indeed a bit strange. But what was her crime?'  
  
'She uhm... attacked me' Legolas answered, twiddling his thumbs.  
  
'_Attacked _you?'  
  
'Well, maybe attack is a big word'  
  
'Then what did she do?'  
  
'She uh... pulled my hair and ears to see if they were real,' the Elf confessed. I waited a second, then burst out in hysterical laughter. When I noticed the unhappy face of my friend, I retook my composure.  
  
'So what's her name again?' I asked.  
  
'How am I supposed to know?!'  
  
'You mean you didn't even ask for her name?'  
  
'Not really...' Legolas guiltily looked down at his feet. I shook my head. It really amazes me every time that Elves aren't always as wise as we think they are.  
  
'Then why did you come to me?'  
  
'I need your advise. I don't know what to do with her- all I know is that she's a danger to others.'  
  
'Step down. I'll go think of something, I'll be back when I have a solution.'  
  
--- Elena's POV ---  
  
I walked around the giant hall nervously. It had been 30 minutes since Aragorn- no; King Elessar (God that guy really has too many names. Makes you wonder if he has multiple personalities as well) had left and he still hadn't returned. And of course Mr. Prissy here hadn't told me why Aragorn had left either. They'd been whispering to each other for a while, occasionally glancing at me, then he had left. I grinned as I remembered all the slash stories back home. Maybe I should tell my beloved Prance- I mean Prince Legolas about it.  
  
Suddenly the herald returned and started announcing the king again. I sighed. This could take a while since he really seems to have an endless amount of titles– at least twice as much as I remember from the books. A little while later coughten minutescough Aragorn re-entered the hall and halted in front of his throne, face towards us.  
  
'Lord Greenleaf,' he said in a formal tone of voice. 'Will you accept my judgment as I tell you, or will my efforts be in vain?' he went on. God, I feel like I'm in bloody court.  
  
'I will accept your judgment,' Legolas answered.  
  
'And what about you? Do you accept my decision?' Aragorn asked me. I snorted.  
  
'Do I have a choice?' Aragorn smiled at me.  
  
'What is your name?' he asked.  
  
'My name is Elena, sir.'  
  
'Lady Elena,' Aragorn said. Legolas sniggered, but Aragorn ignored him. 'Lady Elena, you may not have a choice, but things would be much easier if you co-operate willingly.' I sighed, then nodded. He has a point you know. 'Good, then that's settled. Legolas told me that you're from another world,' he glanced shortly at Legolas 'and I take it that you would like to go home.'  
  
'Yes sir, I would.'  
  
'Well, I think I have the solution. Or actually, I know someone who could help.'  
  
'I hope it's a short journey,' Legolas said.  
  
'Depends if you think Rivendell is far away from here or not.'  
  
'We have to go all the way to Lord Elrond?!' Legolas exclaimed.  
  
'Unless you have a better idea...'  
  
'Shoot her,' Legolas grinned. I glared at him. A thoughtful look spread out over his face. 'Hmmm... this might not even be such a bad idea after all. With a little luck I'll lose her on the way, or she'll freeze to death, or maybe she'll get eaten by wargs, or slain by orcs...' Legolas grinned again. I sent him another glare. Annoying Elf.  
  
'Well, I'm sure that won't happen, Master Elf,' Aragorn said, 'because she has a very respectable, wise, noble, mighty and invincible prince with her to protect her from danger until she gets home...' he smiled slyly.  
  
'I am indeed very noble and wise...' Legolas mumbled to himself.  
  
'Oh great! Just great!' I exclaimed. 'You've just made the impossible happen! Make his ego grow even bigger! How were you planning on fitting us three in this hall now?' Legolas glared at me. Obviously has an issue dealing with the truth. I glared back at him.  
  
--- Aragorn's POV ---   
  
'So it's settled then?' I asked, interrupting Legolas's and Elena's fight on who could send the deadliest death-glare. Legolas turned his head away from Elena to look at me.  
  
'Anything to get rid of her,' he said.  
  
'Or from you' she fired back at him. I smirked.  
  
'You two should get married,' I said. 'You sound just like a married couple.' Both of them glared at me.  
  
'Marry that _thing _over there?' Elena said nodding towards Legolas. 'No thank you, I have my dignity.'  
  
'Like I'd marry some puny mortal,' Legolas scorned. I glared at him. 'I mean uhm... she's not even a princess,' he added.  
  
'How would you know, Elf-boy, you didn't even know my name until five minutes ago!' Elena replied agitatedly.  
  
'Before you two go and waste more of my precious time' I said, 'I'd like to get your attention. I will give you supplies for the journey, along with my best wishes for both of you.'  
  
'Great. When are we leaving?' Legolas asked.  
  
'Tomorrow morning, if that is soon enough.'  
  
'Do we really have to wait that long?'  
  
'Lady Elena might need some sleep before going on a long journey, and she'd probably enjoy a warm bath and fresh clothes as well,' I replied. Elena nodded eagerly. Legolas snorted.  
  
'Mortals...' he said, and received two death-glares.

* * *

And here is where I leave off with the story. Hope you've enjoyed it so far. Let me know if you want me to continue, feedback very much appreciated.  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
PS: Very special thank you to my beta, Eva you're the best!


	2. Minas Tirith

IOHITF - WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!  
  
E/N: OMG I'm so happy! I got 10 reviews! A whole 10 reviews! Woohoo! I never expected it would reach that amount right away! Thnx everybody so much for reviewing! I'm so happy! Well anyway, now that that's dealt with, I'll get back to writing, and don't worry, I do not plan on making any changes in the plot, unless *glares at Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom(tm)* my "beloved" pets decide to interfere. Feel free to help me kill them if they do. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this new chappie,  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip,  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
PS: Legolas's character is based more on the character in the books than in the movies. If you have read the books, you may have noticed that he's pretty proud.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Eva, my ever so great beta... |:o)  
  
"There stood barrels, and barrels, and barrels; for the Wood-elves, and especially their king, were very fond of wine, though no vines grew in those parts." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 9; Barrels Out of Bond)  
  
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Chapter 1 - Minas Tirith  
  
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~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
'I am NOT putting that thing on!' I exclaimed, pointing at the gown the maid held out in front of me.  
  
'But Lady Elena! It is not lady-like to go out in clothes like those!' the maid replied, nodding towards my clothes. I looked down at my blue blouse, jeans and sneakers, more than slightly dirty from the journey to the city.  
  
'But I can't ride wearing THAT! How am I supposed to sit?!'  
  
'I take it they'll give you a sidesaddle'  
  
'I can't ride with a sidesaddle! I am not going to walk about wearing that... TENT!'  
  
'You're gonna have to wear something other than those filthy rags!' the maid said, letting annoyance through in her voice. Just then, Aragorn walked in.  
  
'Is there a problem, Lady Elena?' he asked, smiling politely. Oh my God, he looks good when he does that... Arwen is one lucky woman.  
  
'I'm not going to wear that thing!' I repeated, pointing at the gown. Aragorn started laughing.  
  
'Put it away' he commanded the maid. 'Lady Elena, I think my wife may have some riding-clothes for you to borrow. Follow me' He left the room and I followed him. At least he treated me like a guest, unlike a certain stuck- up Elf prince who shall remain nameless for the time being. Stupid Legolas. We went through numerous halls, up and down more than a few stairs, through endless seeming hallways until we finally reached Queen Arwen's quarters. Dear God this place is a maze! Aragorn knocked on one of the many, many doors. A maid opened it.  
  
'Arlina, please make my queen aware of my presence' he said. The maid bowed and walked back into the room. Several moments later she returned, followed by the queen. The maid bowed again, then left.  
  
'You desire, my beloved?' Arwen asked.  
  
'My dearest Arwen' -aww that's so cute!- 'Could you please help our guest to some proper riding-clothes, she doesn't have anything but her own' Aragorn answered. Arwen smiled.  
  
'Of course' she said, then gestured me to follow her. 'Follow me'  
  
~*~  
  
I laughed, for the first time since I'd ended up in Middle-earth, and thoroughly enjoyed doing so. It had been about an hour since I'd entered Arwen's quarters now, and not only had I been able to conclude that Arwen was indeed as beautiful as Tolkien had described in his books, but she was also kind, helpful and most of all extremely funny. Some girls just have it all.  
  
'No wonder he screamed when I pulled his hair' I said, still laughing.  
  
'When it comes to his hair Legolas is indeed very vain at times' Arwen agreed.  
  
'And what about those pointy ears of his?'  
  
'Don't tell me you pulled those too...'  
  
'And what if I did?' I asked. Arwen chuckled.  
  
'Don't worry. All you probably did was damage his pride. He'll get over it and then I'm sure he'll be nicer to you' she replied. I raised an eyebrow.  
  
'Legolas, nice?'  
  
'Yes of course, he's an Elf, hate is not in his nature'  
  
'If you say so...'  
  
'Maybe you should give him a second chance, forgive him'  
  
'No way, he has to apologize first' I said, folding my arms over each other. Arwen sighed.  
  
'Can't you swallow your pride for once and apologize?'  
  
'Of course I can. And I will...'  
  
'Good'  
  
'...but Legolas has to do it first'  
  
~*~ Aragorn's POV ~*~  
  
'YOU LET HER OUT OF HER ROOM?!' Legolas shouted infuriated.  
  
'Calm down my friend, she's with Arwen right now' I replied soothingly.  
  
'That's even worse! She'll kill her! She'll get away! She'll-'  
  
'I said: calm down. I don't think she's as dangerous as you seem to think, and I'm sure Arwen can handle her'  
  
'She's crazy. Everyone in their right mind knows you can't be from another world'  
  
'I don't think that's what's really bothering you, Legolas'  
  
'Then what do you think is bothering me?'  
  
'She damaged your pride' I stated dryly.  
  
'Damaged my- as if! She?'  
  
'She pulled your hair, right?'  
  
'And my ears!'  
  
'Why don't you just forgive her for that? I'm sure it was all just a misunderstanding...'  
  
'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!' Legolas shouted at me. A curse upon Elves and their stiff necks!  
  
'Well you imprisoned her for a, what I think to be, quite weak reason. I think the least you could do is apologize for the circumstances'  
  
'She attacked me!'  
  
'She pulled your hair, you imprisoned her. Maybe you're overreacting a bit...' I pointed out to the Elf. Legolas fell silent for a while, thoughtful look in his bright blue eyes.  
  
'I guess you're right, maybe I did overreact' he said after a while.  
  
'And...?'  
  
'Maybe I should apologize indeed' he smiled slyly.  
  
'Finally' I let out a sigh of relief.  
  
'But she has to apologize first'  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I looked into the mirror. My curls and freaky golden-brown eyes (what? I happen to think that the golden circle around my eyes is freaky, okay?) topped a deep red gown that reached to the floor. It was cut low with a low back, but had a wide skirt. All together it was a very simple gown, but somehow it had a certain elegance about it. I sighed. The only reason I was wearing the thing was because of a special feast tonight. Arwen had convinced me to be present at the feast, and to apologize. This had taken Arwen a while, because I had absolutely no intention to do such thing. It was the argument that "I'd be the wisest" that had finally convinced me. Of course it also helped that I'd taken a nice warm bath (the first in days since Mr. Prissy didn't allow me to bathe because "I might escape". Yeah right), had washed my hair and also had gotten some clothes from Arwen to keep for the journey that lay ahead of me.  
  
Dressed in the gown Arwen had borrowed me for the evening I left my room, started walking down the hallway, and then stopped. I had absolutely no idea where the dining hall was. Helplessly I looked around for someone to give me directions.  
  
I stood in the hallway for several minutes, lost, not knowing what to do or where to go. I didn't want to risk getting lost while searching for the bloody hall either, so I just waited for someone to show up. Finally I heard footsteps coming from around the corner, shortly after followed by a young maid entering the hallway.  
  
'Ah, Lady Elena! There you are! They're waiting for you in the dining hall, we must hurry, follow me!' the maid said as she saw me standing in the middle of the hallway, doing nothing in particular. Is it just me, or do people just command me around all the time? I nodded and silently followed the girl, wondering how in the world this girl could wander in a place like this without getting lost.  
  
~*~  
  
The sweet scent of wine and many different kinds of food filled my nose and mind with delight as I approached the dining hall. Soft music, laughter and the mumbling sound of numerous voices came from behind two large doors, guarded by two men in full armor. When they saw me and the maid approach they immediately sprang up and bowed -geez how in the world can they make such swift movements wrapped in iron cans?- then they opened the large doors. The maid left without saying a word, leaving me on my own to enter the giant hall. As I entered the hall, all heads turned to me and everybody stared. Hell, even Legolas was staring. Now there's your average cliché Cinderella entrance. Please people, STOP STARING!!!  
  
I looked around the hall. It was crowded with people, probably guests of the king, and servants walked about everywhere serving whine and other things. In the center of the hall stood a huge wooden table with an incredible amount of chairs around it. My God, did Aragorn invite all of Gondor over for dinner or something? At the head of the table stood the dais, with a smaller table on it and five chairs behind it, looking out over the long table. The seats of the royal family and their most honored guests, most likely.  
  
I walked towards the only people in the immense hall I knew: Arwen, Aragorn and Legolas. They were standing together talking to some people I'd never seen before. Next to Arwen stood a little boy, trying to get her attention. As I walked towards the small group, Legolas continued staring at me, and frankly it was getting on my nerves.  
  
'Continue staring at me like that' I said to him when I reached the group, 'and you'll get to study my fist up close'  
  
'Well I'm sorry' he responded, 'but it doesn't happen every day that some *peasant* like you gets royal favor' I opened my mouth to say something mean in return, but Arwen elbowed me.  
  
'You're supposed to apologize, not to start another fight' she hissed. Aragorn turned away from the man he had been speaking to.  
  
'Lady Elena, I'd like you to meet someone' he said, then rested his hand on the shoulder of the little boy. 'This is my son, Prince Eldarion' he said proudly. I smiled at the little boy.  
  
'A pleasure to meet you' I said to Eldarion.  
  
'Are you an Elf too?' Eldarion asked promptly. Arwen and Aragorn smiled, Legolas pulled a face as if he was about to throw up. I ignored him.  
  
'No honey, she isn't an Elf' Arwen told her son.  
  
'But she's pretty mommy!' the boy exclaimed. I felt my face flush.  
  
'Yes dear, we know. But it doesn't make her an Elf' Aragorn said to him. My face took an even deeper shade of red. Hello it doesn't happen every day that the king of Gondor decides to agree with his son that you're pretty. Besides, I'm not. I have freaky eyes. Arwen turned to me.  
  
'You have to forgive Eldarion' she said. 'He's only seven years old, he doesn't quite know the differences between Elves and Men yet' she paused shortly before she continued. 'You can forgive him, can't you?' she looked me straight in the eyes.  
  
'Of course I can forgive him' I answered.  
  
'I wasn't talking about Eldarion anymore' Arwen went on, still not releasing me from her gaze. I knew exactly who she was talking about, and even though I had promised her to do it I wasn't sure if I could forgive Legolas, or apologize to him for my own mistakes. I knew for sure that it would make my time in Middle-earth a whole lot more pleasant and would contain a whole lot less negative tension, but I doubted if I could really get along with Legolas even if we did make up. The only way to find out what would happen was by trying. I turned to Legolas.  
  
'Legolas, can I talk to you in private for a moment?' I asked him. Oh please please please bear with me here!  
  
'I don't see why I should waste more time than necessary on my prisoner' he answered. If I wouldn't have held myself back, I would've slapped him right across the face, or worse. Stupid, stuck-up, annoying, arrogant, ugly -no he's not ugly-, pathetic, low-life, lame excuse for an Elven being... I wonder if he would accept that as his new title...  
  
'Well I'm sorry *Lord Greenleaf*, but it's important and I'm sure you'll find it interresting' I answered, swallowing my anger for the moment and hoping that he wouldn't say another stupid thing in response. Amazingly enough, he didn't.  
  
'Follow me' he said. Oh sure, go ahead, take command again, not like you care if I mind... I think this is going to be even harder than I thought it would be, he's already annoying me again... Legolas started walking towards an empty corner of the hall, and I followed him. There was no turning back now. He stopped walking when he reached the corner, then turned to me.  
  
'Well, what was so important?' he asked in a bored tone of voice. Can't he at least pretend to care?!  
  
'I uhm, well...' I started. Legolas yawned. Great, make it even harder than it already is. 'I want to apologize to you' I said. An amused grin crept up his face.  
  
'What for?' he asked, smiling slyly. What for? Is it bad if I haven't thought of that yet?  
  
'For uhm... for pulling your hair... oh and your ears... and uhm, for kicking you and stuff... and for, uhm... for the trouble I caused you the last couple of days, oh and also for insulting you... and for any other way that I've been rude to you' I said, thinking of things to say as I spoke. Okay, I think all my pride went right down the drain there.  
  
'Apology accepted' Legolas answered dryly, then he started walking back to Arwen and Aragorn. That's it?! Apology accepted?! Isn't this the part where he starts apologizing? I grabbed his wrist, and he turned back to me. 'Is something wrong?' he asked innocently.  
  
'Aren't you supposed to apologize now?' I said, letting go of his wrist.  
  
'I'm a prince, I don't have to apologize to a mere peasant like you' he said arrogantly, then he walked away, a smug grin on his face. He actually found all this amusing?! I can't believe he just said those things! Actually I can but that doesn't matter. He is so going to pay for it!  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
I hadn't felt this good in days. Not only had Elena apologized to me and made herself look like a fool, I had also managed to rub some salt into her wounds. As I re-joined Aragorn and Arwen I noticed that she was still standing in the corner where I left her. She stood quite calmly, as if thinking about some things. Then she started walking back to us and smiled at me sweetly. I knew she'd make up her mind. I knew she'd come around and realize she's no match for me. I continued my conversation with Aragorn. From the corner of my eye I could see Eldarion tug her sleeve. I took a sip of the wine a servant just handed me. She stooped down so that their faces were at the same level.  
  
'I want to tell you something' I heard the boy say in a conspiring tone. Inconspicuously I pricked up my ears.  
  
'Go ahead then' I heard her reply in a warm tone of voice. I could see Eldarion lean in to whisper something in her ear. I set the glass of wine at my mouth to take another sip.  
  
'I think Legolas might have a crush on you' the boy whispered.  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I had to restrain myself from laughing, even though the sight was absolutely hilarious. Legolas spitting out the sip of wine he just took and choking on the bit he was just swallowing was just too funny. Then of course there was also Arwen, raising an eyebrow at Eldarion's words. Ah, the joys of Elven hearing-abilities... Eldarion walked back to Arwen, probably not realizing that she had heard what he said. Just then Aragorn announced that dinner was ready.  
  
'Legolas, would you be ever so kind and guide Elena to her seat?' Arwen asked sweetly, a faint twinkle in her eyes. I saw the sour look on his face, even when it was only there less than a second. After that he nodded and held out his arm to me. Suppressing a grin I placed my hand on it and we started walking towards the head of the table. I knew he hated walking with me, so I walked extra slow just to annoy him. We stepped onto the dais.  
  
Aragorn already sat there on the middle chair, with Arwen to his left and Eldarion next to her. Legolas offered me the seat on Aragorn's other side and I sat down in it, thanking Legolas for his "kindness". Legolas sat down next to me so that all seats on the dais were taken. I realized that I sat here as one of the most honored guests. It must be a stab right through Elf- boy's immortal heart that I'm sitting right next to the king...  
  
When everybody had found the proper seat at the table, some guy stood up and toasted to the king, followed by several other toasts. A plan started to take shape in my head. After a while I found a chance to bring out a toast as well. As soon as I stood up, all heads turned to me.  
  
'I uhm... I'd like to toast to a very special person, because without him I would never have gotten here, amongst such great people' I started. As the crowd cheered in agreement, I saw a smug smile finding its way up to Legolas's face from the corner of my eye. I went on. 'I'd like to show him just how grateful I am for bringing me here, and I want to show him just how much I admire him. Therefore, I toast to Prince Legolas Greenleaf' I finished my speech and raised my glass.  
  
'To Prince Legolas Greenleaf!' The crowd cheered in unison as they raised their glasses of wine. I lowered my glass a bit, but in stead of taking a sip just like everybody else, I turned to Legolas, fully aware that I still had full attention of the crowd. By now the word "arrogant" was practically written on his forehead. It was obvious that he thought he'd won.  
  
'This is exactly how much I admire you' I whispered. I raised my glass again, then slowly turned it upside down, letting the wine fall freely onto his hair, face and clothes. The crowd started laughing. Legolas snapped out of his "victorious" moment and jumped up angrily, realizing what I'd just done.  
  
'What did you do that for?!' he yelled demandingly. I grinned.  
  
'I'm a peasant, I don't have table manners' I stated dryly. 'Now if you'll excuse me, I'm returning to my room. I hope you'll have a swell time tonight, and I most sincerely do hope that you enjoy the wine' I added as I put my glass back down on the table. I bowed my head to the crowd, then I bowed to Aragorn, Arwen and Eldarion. I turned back to Legolas, trying not to grin. There he was, wine dripping from his hair onto his clothes and face, an infuriated look on his face. 'I hope you liked my surprise. I once heard wood-elves are fond of wine' I bowed to him, then turned and left the dining hall, enjoying the sweet taste of vengeance.  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
"This is exactly how much I admire you" The words echoed through my mind as I watched her leave the hall, while the wine continued dripping from my hair. I turned to Aragorn and Arwen, just in time to see them hide the smirks on their faces.  
  
'It's not funny!' I hissed.  
  
'I'm truly sorry Legolas, but you deserved that one' Aragorn replied. So now she's even got my friends on her side... I can't wait to get to Rivendell and be rid of her. Elrond will know what to do. Even if he doesn't I can always leave her there and go home. I'm sure Elrond will take good care of her. I heard he was still looking for a new maid. Or maybe one of his sons will be stupid enough to fall for her and release me from her reign of terror. I already feel sorry for the inhabitants of Rivendell... Ah well, not my problem.  
  
I decided not to take the public humiliation any longer and left the hall as well, planning to give that mortal a piece of my mind. It wasn't hard to find her, simply because she had no idea how to get back to her room and was thus standing helplessly in the middle of the hallway.  
  
'The dungeons are that way' I said, pointing in their direction.  
  
'How come you do know where the dungeons are, but don't know where to get a bath?' she replied. How dare she mock me?! By the light of Eärendil, I'm a bloody prince!  
  
'I do know where the baths are!'  
  
'You might want to take one, you can smell the wine by miles'  
  
'Well I would be doing that right now if *someone* wouldn't be standing in my way wasting my precious time!'  
  
'Well then I guess *someone's* ego is a bit too big to fit in this hallway, if he can't pass by me. I'm just glad that I don't faint from the wine-like stench that is all about him' she stated dryly, obviously suppressing a grin. Why that little...  
  
'You really enjoy this, don't you?'  
  
'Every single second. But you know what they say Elf-boy; what goes around comes around' Elf-boy?! How dare she call me that?! Before I could respond, she had disappeared. I'll get her for this, wait and see...  
  
...after I take my shower, that is.  
  
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Phew, I think I just wrote that at super-speed, it came right out of my hand... well, I hope you enjoyed it, I sure enjoyed writing it. As usual, feedback very much appreciated, constructive critisism is welcome, flames will be sent to Denethor. Thanks for reading.  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
PS: Eva u r briljant, I am so gonna use your idea!  
  
?: *blushes* I'm happy you liked my first chappie, I hope you also like this one.  
  
Me: *blushes again* Gee, never thought people were gonna be this enthusiastic. I just hoped people wouldn't think of it as "another Sue Mary" cuz it's not. I hope that you like it so far, because Legolas is nowhere near Rivendell yet.  
  
adelaide e: Glad you liked the slash fic suggestion. I wasn't sure if people would swallow the mention of it, or flame me. Don't worry, Legolas and Elena will not fall in love unless (yes the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom (tm) are still here) my dear pets decide to ruin my master plan. I pray they don't. I suspect that Eldarion is a PlotBunny in disguise, although last time I spoke with Legolas he made it clear that he hates Elena's guts. Ah well, like I said, don't worry.  
  
Erica aka (frodo_lover): Well, I hope this made you happy, I continued. Your review sure made the message clear to me anyways.  
  
PiscesAngel: Way too funny? Hmhmhm... does that mean I should make it less funny, of should I make it worse? I dunno. Anyway, I'm gonna continue anyway, so you'd better enjoy it. Well people are supposed to, anyway.  
  
Yavanna: Do I sense a *hint hint* in your message? If so, I hope I got it right.  
  
Melandune: I told you so! Well, I'm very happy that I was right, it would suck if you hated it. Well, hope this is soon enough for you, if not, hey don't blame me, blame my school. (Blowing up the darn place might also work to make me update sooner *hint hint*).  
  
Black Pearl: What can I say that I haven't already said? Thank you so much for reading this, hope you still like it.  
  
?: Okay, okay. I get the point by now. I kept writing. Happy? Hope you are |:o)  
  
Godforsaken: |:o) Running out of things to say so I thought you might like a special smiley in stead. Or do you prefer a bat? ^^+_+^^ 


	3. On the road

IOHITF - WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!  
  
E/N: Okay, I'm sorry. If you think it took me too long to update that is. *winks at certain majin Australian who's been nagging for days that I should update* I'm really so very truly sorry. Well, sort of, anyway. Anyway, I finally had the time to post again, which is a miracle because I'm in the middle of a test-week. Bear with me please! Damn school. Can't write properly there. Hope I will be able to update sooner next time...  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip,  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to... *dramatic pause* Endomiel, who still wants to kill me for writing a Leggo-mocking story. She also wants to kill me for naming him Legging-las. Oh well... anyway, I dedicate this chapter to her because she sits next to me in class and because I am sorry that I nearly had her faint by giving her a mental image of Legging-las dancing the Macarena in a Tinky-Winky outfit.  
  
"" 'Come!' said Aragorn. (...) 'We will all be blindfolded, even Legolas(...).'  
  
Gimli laughed suddenly. 'A merry troop of fools we shall look! (...) But I will be content, if only Legolas here shares my blindness.'  
  
'I am an Elf and a kinsman here,' said Legolas, becoming angry in his turn.  
  
'Now let us cry: "a plague on the stiff necks of Elves!" ' said Aragorn. "" (the Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 2 - chapter 6; Lothlórien)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
Chapter 2 - On the road  
  
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~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and thanked the maid for showing me the way as I entered the stables. Three horses were saddled and ready to go. Wait a second... three? I rubbed my eyes again. There were still three horses. Elf-boy's white stallion, the smaller brown one for me, but who owned the pitch-black steed? The black horse turned his head to me. Blue eyes in a black head pierced right through me. Somehow the eyes seemed familiar to me. I shook the thought off. I've never seen the horse before. It must be from my morning-drowsiness.  
  
'Is there a problem, Lady Elena?' Aragorn asked as he walked into the stables after me.  
  
'I uhm... who's gonna ride the black one?' I asked bluntly.  
  
'I am' Aragorn answered casually. 'By the way, you left your pack in your room, one of the maids just brought it for you' he tossed me my (back)pack, and I managed to catch it.  
  
'Thanks. I kinda forgot that I have one now'  
  
'Maybe you should go back to your room and see if you didn't leave your brain behind as well' I turned around. There was Legging-las, sorry I mean Legolas, leaning against a side of the doorway. He was wearing brown leggings and a green tunic (gee, what a surprise), and, as usual, he had annoyingly perfect hair.  
  
'Yeah, good morning to you too, Elf-boy, and no I won't go back to my room because that would mean I'm stuck with you longer'  
  
'You know, I hate to admit it, I really do, but I agree with you on that part. The sooner I get rid of you, the better'  
  
'You guys scare me' Aragorn said. 'You've actually agreed on something. Maybe I should take you two to the Healers before we leave, just in case' he grinned.  
  
'Ha ha. Very funny Aragorn' Legolas replied with annoyance in his voice. *Someone* woke up at the wrong side of the bed this morning.  
  
'So how far are you coming with us, Lord Elessar?' I asked, hoping that Legolas's mood would get better if we'd just let him be for a while. I should've known better.  
  
'The entire first day, maybe the second day as well. After that I'll turn back and go home' he answered.  
  
'Why would you want to come with us, I mean, you're the king and surely you have duties and all...' I asked. He smiled understandingly.  
  
'Arwen wanted me to make sure you two won't kill each other right away'  
  
'Damn' I grinned. 'Now I have to wait at least two days before I get a chance of killing Legging-las' Legolas glared at me. Obviously not a morning person.  
  
'Well then maybe it's not such a good idea after all to give you this' Aragorn said as he handed me a dagger, 'but since Arwen'll kill me if I don't give it to you...'  
  
'You're letting her have a dagger- I mean... I CANNOT ALLOW HER TO KEEP A DAGGER!!!' Legolas shouted.  
  
'What's the matter Elf-boy?' I said. 'Afraid that I'll kill you with it?' Legolas glared at me again. 'Don't worry. I won't do that. Yet. You may, however, wake up one morning to find all your hair cut off' Legolas charged at me, but Aragorn held him back.  
  
'Let me go, I want to kill her!' Legolas shouted.  
  
'Calm down Legolas!' Aragorn said.  
  
'She started it, you saw it yourself! Now let me go!'  
  
'You know, Lord Elessar, if you'd hold him just a little longer I'll have a great chance at cutting some of his hair off' I grinned again. In hindsight that was a bad move. A very bad move. Legolas broke free at once and charged at me again, managing to pin me to the ground. As I fell I dropped the dagger. He brought his face really close to mine.  
  
'Don't ever mock me again' he hissed, 'Or else I'll-'  
  
'You'll *what*, Elf-boy? Annoy me to death?'  
  
'I hate to interrupt your little romantic moment over there' Aragorn suddenly said, 'but if we want to get somewhere today we really have to get going now' Legolas stood up, leaving me to get up by myself. And there I go thinking that all princes are well mannered. Not all of them, I guess. Aragorn held out his hand to me and helped me get up. Seems like some of royal blood do remember how to behave. As soon as I got to my feet Legolas started shouting at Aragorn.  
  
'ROMANTIC MOMENT?!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!!' he shouted. In the meantime I inconspicuously picked up the dagger.  
  
'Well it looked pretty romantic to me when you were lying on top of her' Aragorn replied dryly.  
  
'Oh please. I'd rather sleep with an orc than with *her*' he said scornfully. Excuse me? How dare he compare me to an orc?!  
  
'Well it wouldn't be much of a difference if I'd sleep with an orc in stead of you, now would it?' I replied dryly. Legolas hissed something through gritted teeth, then suddenly he leaped onto his horse and rode off. Aragorn followed him right away, and after some very clumsy moments I rode off to catch up with them. How are you supposed to mount a horse with a huge pack on your back?! I never thought Middle-earth would annoy me so much.  
  
~*~ Aragorn's POV ~*~  
  
The sun set to our left as we rode down the old North-South road. To our left, underneath the setting sun, were the eaves of the Grey Forest, and beyond that, the Drúadan Forest. Legolas and Elena would follow this road until they got passed the Gap of Rohan, and then they would go directly north from there on. If they don't kill each other before that time, that is. They hadn't said a single word directly to each other ever since this morning and the tension was getting worse by the second.  
  
'Lord Elessar, could you please tell Legging-las that he's a stuck-up jerk?' Elena asked.  
  
'Aragorn, could you please tell the peasant to shut up?' Legolas said in reply. They glared at each other. Again. Seriously, things have been like this all day and I've lost count of their death-glares somewhere this morning when they reached three hundred and something.  
  
'We should find a place for our camp, it will be dark very soon' I said, hoping to get their attention. It proved in vain, like all my other attempts today. I swear, if they don't kill each other soon, I'll be happy to lend a hand.  
  
'Aragorn, could you please tell-' Legolas started.  
  
'No I won't tell Lady Elena whatever it is that you have to say to her!' I snapped. 'If you want to let her know something then just say it yourself! Say something to each other, or kill each other for all I care if you hate each other so much, but for Eru's sake, DO SOMETHING!!!'  
  
'Oh' Legolas said, slightly taken aback. I don't think I ever got mad at him before. Not this mad at any rate. 'I'm sorry'  
  
'Funny, isn't it, that Elf-boy has no problem whatsoever apologizing to you but can't apologize to me' Elena said to me.  
  
'That's because Aragorn is the King of Gondor and a close friend of mine, and you are just a mere peasant, not to mention a prisoner' Legolas said to her. She glared at him. Well at least they've gotten back to direct hate again.  
  
'You know, in my world-' Elena started, but Legolas cut her off.  
  
'In my world...' he imitated her, but, surprisingly enough, she ignored him instead of sending him the usual death-glare.  
  
'In my world' she repeated, 'everybody has equal rights. Kings do not stand above peasants, and men do not rule over women'  
  
'That's why I like *my* world so much better' Legolas grinned. This time he didn't get Elena's usual death-glare either. She sent him a death-glare so vicious that *I* almost fell of my horse. It didn't go unnoticed.  
  
'Is something wrong Aragorn?' Legolas asked. If he was in any way affected by the glare Elena just sent him, he didn't show it.  
  
'Yes. I'm getting weary of your constant quarreling with Lady Elena and I'd like to get some rest now' I stated dryly. Both of their faces turned slightly red. I grinned. What?  
  
'I know a place not far from here where we could take a short rest' Legolas said.  
  
'And how far away would that be? Thirty miles?' Elena said. Okay, I definitely missed something here...  
  
'Five minutes from here' Legolas replied. They had another one of their deadliest death-glare contests. Will they ever learn?  
  
'That's what you said last time'  
  
'Well it would have taken five minutes if *you* hadn't ridden the wrong way'  
  
'If you'd just-' I interrupted Elena at this point.  
  
'Just... let Legolas lead us there, okay?' Legolas pulled a face of triumph as Elena started sulking. I sighed. Am I really the only one tired of their constant arguing?  
  
Legolas led his horse into the forest, apparently following some sort of path. If there was one. It was completely unknown to me. Hell, you could hardly call it a path, it's more like a uh... a uh... bunch of trees growing at random occasionally giving just enough way to lead your horse through? After several minutes we reached a clearing amidst the trees, water could be heard somewhere nearby.  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
'I told you so' the arrogance in his words as Legolas spoke them to me practically took visible form, I could almost *touch* them. God I hate that guy. I glared at him. Aragorn rolled his eyes and let out a sigh of annoyance. I glared at him too. Why? I just felt like it, that's why. I think today's the National Day of Death-glares or something like that.  
  
I dismounted. We hadn't taken a single break all day even though I had repeatedly asked for one, those saddles literally get a pain in the ass after a couple of hours. Of course Elf-boy refused to take a break, because "Elves don't need as much breaks as mortals". And Aragorn used to be a Ranger so he's probably used to conditions like these. Aragorn dismounted and started stretching his legs, arms, back... you get the idea. Ok, so I was wrong about Aragorn, so what? At least I don't have to admit it to Elf- boy.  
  
'Aragorn, you set up the camp. I'll go and collect firewood. Peasant... sit' Legolas commanded. Who the hell does he think he is anyway? The Prince of Mirkwood or something? Okay, never mind, forget I ever said that... anyway he can't just command me around like I'm a dog!  
  
'Who put you in charge?' I said.  
  
'I did' he stated dryly, sending me another one of those arrogant looks he's so good at. Stupid Elf-boy.  
  
'Well I'm not gonna stay here, I heard water nearby and I'd like a bath' I sent him a challenging look.  
  
'No you're not going to. You might just run off' Legolas replied. Evil Elf.  
  
'Well maybe *you* haven't heard of hygiene but *I* have and I'm not planning on waiting for a bath until we get to Rivendell'  
  
'You're not-'  
  
'Legolas, I'm here too, I can keep a watch on her' Aragorn interrupted. Go Estel, go Estel... I think. I stuck out my tongue to Legolas, Aragorn's obviously on my side. Legolas glared at me, then turned around and walked off into the forest. Ha! I win! I win! Neneneneneneh! I took a towel from my pack.  
  
'This way' Aragorn said. I followed him to a little stream not far from the camp. Aragorn turned around.  
  
'I thought you were supposed to keep a watch on me?'  
  
'It's very rude to do such a thing while a lady bathes'  
  
'Won't Legolas get mad at you for leaving me alone?'  
  
Aragorn grinned.  
  
'He didn't say from *where* I should keep a watch...' he walked away. I like him. Not in *that* way, but it's just that he treats me like an actual person, like I'm equal to him, a queen or something. Legolas could learn so much from him. But then again, Elf-boy's pretty much a lost case.  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
I picked up another fallen branch from the forest floor. I had collected quite a lot of wood already, even though I'd only been gone for about five minutes. I leaned down to pick up another branch, but the pile of wood in my arms had grown so big that it threatened to fall if I leaned down further. I decided to return to the camp first and see if there was anything else to do. As I walked back to the camp an alarming feeling started growing in the back of my head. I broke into a run.  
  
As I approached the clearing I saw Aragorn moving around the glade, setting up things for the camp. All was fine then. I slowed my pace to regular walking. I stepped onto the grass of the glade, dropping the firewood in my arms as I realized what was wrong. Elena was nowhere to be seen.  
  
'Aragorn, where is my prisoner?' I asked, picking up the wood again in the meantime.  
  
'She's-'  
  
'Don't tell me you let her get away'  
  
'Hey, I'm not the one that lets important prisoners escape'  
  
'If you're referring to the incident with Gollum, I was not with the guards at that time. Had I been there, it would never have happened'  
  
'Of course not' Aragorn replied in an agreeing tone, even though his face said something else.  
  
'I thought you were my friend Aragorn'  
  
'I am your friend!'  
  
'You don't act like it'  
  
'And why's that? Because I treat Lady Elena better than pleases you?' he said sharply. I didn't reply immediately, knowing he had said exactly what had been bothering me all along.  
  
'She's my prisoner Aragorn, and in no way that I can see a lady'  
  
'I just think you're overreacting in the whole situation, that's all. She's nowhere near as bad as you say she is, although I must admit that she can have a really bad temper'  
  
'So where is she now? You didn't set her free, did you?'  
  
'No I didn't. I suggest that you look at the horses. You may notice that all three of them are there' I looked in the direction of our horses. Aragorn was right, they were all there. 'Besides, a girl like her couldn't make it on her own in the wild, imagine what would happen if she'd encounter a band of orcs!'  
  
'Orcs? Oh I can imagine that alright! They'd flee in terror before her if she even gives the slightest indication of her temper' I replied. Aragorn tried to keep a straight face, then he chuckled and shortly after started laughing uncontrollably. It didn't take long before the both of us were practically rolling on the floor laughing.  
  
~*~  
  
About thirty minutes had passed since I'd gotten back to the camp, and in that time Aragorn and I had talked about the situation and he had managed to convince me that I should give Elena a chance. After that we had set up the rest of the camp together and made a nice fire. We were now sitting in front of it, roasting some bread and meat for dinner.  
  
Footsteps distracted us from the food. Elena walked into the camp, fully dressed, a towel wrapped around her hair. She walked to a tree, took the towel off and hung it over one of the branches. After that she walked towards the fire and sat down next to Aragorn.  
  
'Something smells good, what is it?' she asked. I smiled.  
  
'I'm making us dinner'  
  
'Well in that case... Aragorn, you can go first. He's probably poisoned it' she said. Aragorn grinned.  
  
'Oh no, ladies first' he said. I tried not to grin, but failed. She glared at us, but still accepted the bread and meat that Aragorn handed her. She thoughtfully looked at it.  
  
'You might want to eat it as well' I said.  
  
'How come you're not eating?!' she said angrily. Oh come on! She doesn't actually think that I'm trying to poison her, does she?  
  
'My food isn't ready yet' I answered. She sent me a suspecting look, then took a small bite of the bread. I made a gurgling sound, as if I'd been poisoned and was busy dying. She glared at me and silently stood up, then walked over to me.  
  
'Drop dead, asshole' she said as she crumbled the bread above my head.  
  
'You know, it's not that I mind doing that' I replied, 'but since I'm immortal, technically, I can't drop dead' I grinned. She let out a frustrated cry, then stamped over to the blankets and dragged one away to the other side of camp, while mumbling something that sounded very much like "We'll see how you don't drop dead with twenty arrows stuck in your chest". Yeah, whatever.  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I woke up because my back was killing me. I opened my eyes, remembering that because of Legolas's behavior I'd taken my blanket to the other side of the camp. That part consisted of a mainly rocky bottom. I didn't realize until later on, but when I found out about it I was too proud to drag my blanket back to Aragorn and Elf-boy. That my pride caused me an aching back and a practically sleepless night was just tough luck. I sat up straight, stretched myself out and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I looked around the camp. Aragorn was still asleep, but Legolas was... was he brushing his hair? I stood up, walked to him and sat down next to him.  
  
'Good morning Legolas' I said innocently. He looked at me in amazement, then replied.  
  
'Good morning'  
  
'So how're ya doin'?'  
  
'I'm fine'  
  
'You sure?'  
  
'Yes I am' he said, beginning to get annoyed. 'Why are you asking me these questions?'  
  
'Well, because it's polite to ask those things back home plus I was wondrin' if you're suffering from a bad hair day'  
  
'Of course I don't have a bad hair day! I'm an Elf and therefore I have perfect hair by nature!'  
  
'So why are you brushing your hair then?' I asked. Legolas pulled a long face. I grinned. Mission accomplished.  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
My eyes followed Aragorn as he rode away from us. It was late in the afternoon of the second day since we left Minas Tirith and it was time for him to return home and fulfill his duties there. For a moment I wished that he wasn't the king of Gondor but just my friend and that he could accompany me all the way to Rivendell, if only to be a support in my "war" against Elena. But alas, he was the king and had to return home. WHAT AM I THINKING?!!! I'm a bloody prince! I don't need Aragorn's support against some annoying peasant!  
  
I glanced sideways at Elena. She noticed it and glared at me, it was becoming her standard response to everything I did or said. I sighed, seventy days at least before we would reach Rivendell, and seeing how things were between us right now, and considering the possibility that it would only get worse, seventy days in the dungeons of Barad-dûr sounded like a nice holiday compared to my situation. Too bad they wrecked the place down.  
  
~*~  
  
'We should start searching for a place to make camp' I said that evening.  
  
'*We*? Are you sure? I mean, I'm only a stupid peasant anyway so I'm probably also too stupid to recognize a good spot when I see one' she replied sarcastically. I decided to ignore her and not to reply to her words even though she was making it so easy for me to mock her. I'm not gonna do it. Am not. Am not. Oh bloody hell, just this once...  
  
'At least you're not too stupid to admit that you're stupid' I said. Once again she glared at me. Aragorn was right, she did have something lady-like after all. I should give her a title. Lady Death-glare sounds fitting.  
  
'And Tolkien made him look like a hero' she mumbled. What is she talking about?  
  
'Tolkien? What's that?' I asked. She didn't answer. 'Well?'  
  
'TolkienisapersonandthatsallImgonnatell' she said at once. Come again?  
  
'Could you repeat that? I asked.  
  
'You forgot to say the magic word' a mischievous grin crept onto her face. I decided to play dumb.  
  
'What magic word?'  
  
'I don't know, you're the Elf, you tell me'  
  
'How come, if you don't know what the magic word is, that you do know it exists?'  
  
'Female intuition' she replied dryly.  
  
'Tell me!'  
  
'Did I hear something or are my ears deceiving me?' she said to no one in particular. *Add some very nasty and also very censored curses* Why doesn't she just say it?! She's doing it on purpose, I just know it, and I don't want to give in! But I *need* to know who or what this Tolkien is!  
  
'Tell me...' I said, 'please...' the last word was barely hearable, but I was sure she heard it.  
  
'Could you say that louder please, I don't think I heard it correctly' she answered, eyes twinkling. Why that little...  
  
'Please!' I said through gritted teeth, clenching my fists. 'Happy now?!'  
  
'Couldn't be better' she grinned.  
  
'So are you gonna tell me now?'  
  
'I don't think so, you didn't really ask very polite' her grin grew even wider. Okay, that's it! Now she's getting it! I leapt of Melda towards her, and pulled her off her horse. She let out a cry of astonishment, then quickly recovered and tried to hit me. After a very short struggle I managed to pin her to the ground. As if mortal women are any match for me.  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
Okay, so let me get this straight. I'm sitting on my horse, enjoying my victory, when suddenly Elf-boy decides to go *amazone* and pulls me off my horse. I tried to punch him, but he was faster and grabbed my wrist. Half a second later he'd gotten hold of my other wrist too and before I knew it I was pinned under him. Damn Elven agility.  
  
'You have five seconds to let go!' I hissed, failing to suppress my anger.  
  
'Or *what*? I don't think you're in the position to threaten anyone right now' he said, not even bothering to hide the amusement in his voice. I tried to break free, but he was too strong.  
  
'But then again, you don't think much at all, do you?' I replied in the easiest way I could think of. Anger flashed onto his face and didn't leave it. God, right now I wish that I that I was a Mary Sue like Buffy so I could seriously kick his ass. But noooooooo, I had to be one of those imperfect human beings. Somebody up there must really hate me. He brought his face annoyingly close to mine again.  
  
'Listen up and listen carefully, peasant' he hissed, 'you're gonna tell me everything right now or I'll forget that I'm noble for a moment and let you feel my anger!' the look in his eyes scared me, it really did. In an instant I knew what pure wrath looks like and trust me, it ain't pretty. And I don't like the whole *feel* thing either. I could take it in several ways and not a single one of them had nice consequences for me.  
  
'Feel this!' I said as I suddenly kicked up with my knee and hit him in the groin with all my strength. He made one of those nice "ugh"-sounds. I pushed him off of me and got up. Mortal or immortal, they all have the same weakness. Thank God for self-defense. Who knows what he could have done?  
  
As Legolas was busy being in great pain, I looked around. I was standing amidst a clearing in the forest, on the west side bordered by a small stream, and on the other sides by some kind of tall trees. The soil was exactly soft enough to sleep on, and it was covered with mostly grass and an occasional flower. Don't ask me the names of flowers, because I already have problems telling the differences between daisies and roses.  
  
Legolas finally managed to get up and walk over to me. The look on his face told me that he was pretty damn angry. And still in great pain.  
  
'You are going to pay for what you just did'  
  
'Am I? You can't say I didn't warn you. It was your own damn fault to start mocking me before I could finish my phrase' I replied dryly. He glared at me, then turned around to the horses, who were now drinking from the stream.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
E/N: Finally got the new chapter all done. Hope you enjoyed it. As usual, feedback appreciated, constructive criticism will be welcomed and flames will be sent to Denethor.  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
electric muffin: *does little silly happy dance* Yay! Another happy reader! I'm so happy that I'm not the only one enjoying this story. I'm getting addicted to writing it. Is that a bad thing? Well anyway, I hope you enjoyed this!  
  
ithinkineedanewname: Glad that you also like this story. I really enjoy writing it, and I'm glad that there's also others. (Even my two annoying siblings like it (read: they're gonna kill me if I don't update soon) and they usually start flaming me as soon as I say Lord of the Rings... wonder what would happen if I'd turn them into LotR fans). I'll bring another update ASAP. On how they're gonna survive... well, not without a hell of a lot pain (mainly on Legolas'' side, most likely) and a lot of verbal sparring. But that's a good thing right?  
  
Oasisrocker: Well, I kept writing, hope the suspense didn't kill you. If it did... okay, never mind I'm not gonna write down the stupid thing that just popped up into my head.  
  
?: |:o) Well, I kept going, hope you liked the new chappie.  
  
SeaCucumber: Cute, lol! Well, Elena isn't all that cute, and I can't imagine you find my impression of Legolas all that cute either... it could just be me though...  
  
Ellie Maxwell: Another one of you I'll-die-of-suspense-if-you-don't-update- soon people. Don't get me wrong; it's a good thing... I think. I figured it means you like the fic so let's just keep it at being a good thing. Glad you like the Legolas torture, and that you don't plan on killing me, unlike *someone*... *cough*Endomiel*cough*  
  
CocoBeans: *blushes* Good thing you think it's funny. It's supposed to be. Yeah, Eldarion's cute. But he sure has some strange ideas...  
  
Cattaria: *blushes again* Favorites list? That's so cool! Glad you're also one of the people who likes the Legolas torture. I've noticed almost everyone's cheering for Elena |:o) but why in God's name would you cheer for the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom(tm)? They're evil! They want me to write an essay on why Frodo and Sam are gay! They're not gay! It's mental cruelty I tell you! My Preciousss Frodo... *breaks into sobs*  
  
;): Glad that you can laugh from my story. Hope I didn't cause you any injuries (from falling off your chair for instance) because I do not take responsibility for that. Read at own risk, lol. Hope you like it. I know, silly response to nice review...  
  
adelaide e: Lol! Your review sent me to the floor laughing (and it sent Endomiel trying to track you down so she can kill you)! Stinky proud arse Legolas... lol. I think you misunderstood one thing though. I don't hate Eldarion. He's too cute to hate. I just suspect that he might be a PlotBunny in disguise, already trying to mess up my plot. Well I won't let it happen. Was this good enough revenge? Couldn't superglue Elf-boy to his saddle, Elena has nothing from her own world with her. I'll probably think of something worse and far too evil though. More verbal sparring's also on the way |:o) (can you guess I like weird clown smiley's?)  
  
CreativeButterflyWhichCan'tFLy: Don't die if I don't update soon enough! I'll have no readers left! What am I supposed to do then? Besides, if you die you'll never know how it ends... believe me if I say I'm doing the best I can!  
  
Black Pearl: So you pay more attention than just shallow reading, huh? That's a good thing. People who do that understand the story better and notice things that would go unnoticed otherwise (which can be a bad thing because those things are there for a reason). Compliments to you. Hope you enjoyed the new chapter!  
  
Seal: What am I to say? DIE LEGOLAS!!! DIE!!! DIE!!! Lol. Don't really want him to die. Just want him to be in great pain. Wait, I know! SUFFER LEGOLAS!!! SUFFER!!! That better? I hope so...  
  
Yavanna: Now now, don't go all over-complimenting me, you just might manage to get my ego to be even bigger than Legolas's... *gasps* That would be seriously bad, wouldn't it? And a hell of an accomplishment... geez, imagine that... another ego of such an ungodly size... what I'm saying is, please don't kill me if you found that you waited too long. I have a life too you know? *snickers* Well, sort of, anyway. TTFN!!!  
  
TRUE STORY!!! HOW ENDOMIEL AND I DISCOVERED MORIA IN OUR SCHOOL-BASEMENT!!!  
  
I was walking in school with Endy and we went to the basement (yes our school has a basement and yes we were not supposed to be there) and when we got there, it really really stank. As you may understand, we started searching for the body right away, hoping to find our mathematics-teacher dead (yes he is an @$$****). The school basement is really dark, dusty and... with pillars and everything (old building, you see). So anyway, we couldn't find the body (unfortunately the mathematics @$$**** is still alive) and I sat down in a chair to rest for a moment. I put my arm on the table... DOOM... the table does. We look at each other. I repeat it. DOOM... BOOM... DOOM... it sounded like the Balrog's drums. We look at the location, the darkness... we smell the awful stench of something rotting long forgotten... then we realize it. Moria is in the basement of our school!!!  
  
But the story doesn't end there... we took out our little map of the school, and held it next to the map of Middle-earth. We noticed that Moria was in the central basement of our school, and that it was in the center of the map of Middle-earth. Going southeast from Moria, you will find Mordor. Going southeast from the basement we found... *dramatic pause(can you guess I like dramatic pauses?)* the Staff Section (SS). And then it hit us. The teachers are Orcs! Our mathematics teacher is Sauron! He must be destroyed! We must fight him! We have already formed a Fellowship of brave and worthy girls. I will keep you informed in the dealings with Sauron. 


	4. Detour to Mirkwood

IOHITF - WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!  
  
E/N: Yes, I'm back. Be afraid, be very afraid... heheh. Sorry I took this long. Endomiel's been distracting me a lot lately. Ever since we discovered Moria in our school, she wants me to help her find the exact location of Mirkwood, or Thranduil's palace to be more precise... so terribly tiring. Personally I'd much rather look for the Shire, huge blue eyes, a Ringbearer, and as a bonus a Scottish accent. So I'm a pervy hobbit fancier, so what?! We've already discovered a Hobbit running through the school, and I've been trying to catch him so that I can force him to tell me where the Shire is. As a result I did not have much time to write left. Also there are our dealings with the Diabolical Mathematics Teacher of Doom aka Sauron. We are making plans for a paint bomb. But first, a new chapter. Enjoy.  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip,  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Orlando Bloom, because I feel sorry for him. Yes, sorry. Imagine finding a story on your character on the Web, and then finding out the author tortures him in terrible ways... well he probably hasn't read this, but if he has (which I greatly doubt) and is still (brave enough to be) reading the rest of the story: Mr. Bloom, my most sincere apologies for giving you a possible shock, mental damage and serious damage on your ego. I didn't mean to hurt you like this at all. It's supposed to hurt much, much more =P. Gee aren't I nice? o:)  
  
"With that he (A/N: Legolas) sprang forth nimbly, and then Frodo noticed as if for the first time, though he had long known it, that the Elf had no boots, but wore only light shoes, as he always did, and his feet made little imprint in the snow." (the Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 2 - chapter 3; The Ring Goes South)  
  
"A smaller and lighter horse, but restive and fiery, was brought to Legolas. Arod was his name. But Legolas asked them to take off the saddle and rein. 'I need them not,' he said, and leaped lightly up, and to their wonder Arod was tame and willing beneath him, moving here and there with but a spoken word: such was the elvish way with all good beasts." (the Two Towers, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 3 - chapter 2; The Riders of Rohan)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
Chapter 3 - Detour to Mirkwood  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
Hate. What a lame word for a feeling that can grow so strong. I hate Elena, I seriously hate her. I thought that what I felt before couldn't grow any stronger, but after what she did yesterday I keep suppressing my urge to kill her. If it wasn't for the fact that Elves don't just go and kill people because they're a peaceful people, and I'm a bloody Elven prince, she'd be pretty much dead right now.  
  
Also, I don't want to disappoint Aragorn and Arwen. Before we left Minas Tirith they had explicitly told me that they had good faith in me and trusted me not to kill the little bitch. They probably expected her, along the road, to do what she did, especially after what she'd done with the wine that night at dinner.  
  
Oh sure, I wasn't making it very easy for her either, certainly not after yesterday, I know that. But she deserves it. And she's going to pay dearly for what she did, I'll make sure of it. She didn't get anything to eat since yesterday morning, which must mean she's probably been starving all day. The look on her face as she sat watching me make my dinner confirmed that.  
  
I took a bite of my bread, pulling a face of ecstasy whilst eating it. She hungrily stared at the bread in my hand for a moment, then turned her gaze towards the small pool not far from where we sat. Suddenly she stood up and walked to the pool, without saying even a single word. She started washing her face with the water from the pool. I grinned. I didn't allow her to bathe anymore either. Okay, so I didn't allow her to do that anyway, it was a pretty good way to get back on her.  
  
'I'm bored' she suddenly said, breaking the silence between us.  
  
'Not my problem' I replied. As if I care about that.  
  
'There's nothing to do around here' she went on. I sighed. When was she finally gonna stop nagging?  
  
'Didn't you just cover that by stating that you're bored?'  
  
'Shut up! What I was saying, before you *rudely* interrupted me, is that there's no adventure here...'  
  
'What's that supposed to mean?'  
  
'There's no action, nothing happens, there are no orcs, no giant spiders... there's no DANGER...' she said with some sort of dreamy, absentminded look in her eyes. This once again proves that she's completely insane.  
  
'So? Would you want that then?'  
  
'Duh. Right now this is practically the same as a trip to my grandparents' she stated.  
  
'Fine' I said, suppressing my upcoming grin. 'We'll go through Mirkwood'  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
'Behold' Legolas said, 'the great river Onodló'  
  
'Do you really have to say it so melodramatic?' I asked, not bothering to hide my boredom. A river. Yay.  
  
'This happens to be the river Entwash' he said whilst glaring at me, 'and we are going to cross it'  
  
'Oh goody' I responded sarcastically. It had been seven days since the "incident", and in those seven days we'd hardly spoken to each other, and I have lived on a couple of slices of bread and a few liters of water in total. Legging-las is so generous...yeah right. I always thought that Wood- elves are nice to their prisoners? Tolkien's mistake, obviously... or Legolas is the exception that confirms the rule. Either way, basically it meant that I'd come to hate him even more than before, and I disliked all of his ideas, including this one, of course. Something will go wrong, I just know it.  
  
'Ladies first' he grinned. He's up to something. 1) Because he was grinning widely and 2) because he said 'ladies', a word he wouldn't use near me if he wasn't up to something. I replied in the easiest way I could think of.  
  
'What are you waiting for then?' I said. The grin on his face turned to an icy glare.  
  
'I was hoping a lady'd show up, but seeing as that's not likely to happen because Miss Scarecrow is with me, I'll just go first' Call me Miss Scarecrow, he'll regret that...  
  
'How selfless you are' I said, sarcasm dripping all over the place (causing a new river to form right there). He ignored me and gracefully leapt off his horse. So not fair! No matter how much of an asshole he is, his moves are so perfect... NOT FAIR!!!  
  
He took off the shoes he wore, then he rolled up his leggings to his knees. He waded into the water, and his horse willingly followed with just a single word. Carefully he waded into the water and even more careful he waded to the other bank, his horse following close behind him. For a moment the thought of a possible escape flashed through my mind, then I dropped the idea.  
  
I had no idea how to survive in the wild or how to reach the living world on my own. Besides, Elf-boy would turn around and shoot me before you could say "Fuck you, you fucking fuck!" I dismounted and did the same as Legolas had done a little earlier, tying my things securely to the saddle of my horse. You'd think that after all these days I'd know then name of my horse but nooooooooooo, Elf-boy hadn't told me. I doubt that he even knows the name himself.  
  
I waded into the water. I immediately felt the strong current of the river, almost causing me to lose my balance for a moment. Moreover, the water was seriously could. As in: I want an ice cream because it's nice and warm!!! I shivered, then carefully took a step as not to slip on the rocks. As I took more steps my horse willingly followed me and before I knew it I was halfway the river. I looked at the bank where Legolas stood. He was watching me with a pondering expression on his face. For a moment we made eye contact, then I looked away and resumed wading.  
  
When I came near to the other bank of the river the rocks on the bottom made place for mud. Slippery and slimy mud... ew... I let go the reins of my horse and let the stallion find the best way to the bank for me. Taking careful steps I followed him. When he reached the bank Legolas took the reins and led him out. As I took another step I felt the mud disappear from underneath my feet and I slipped, fell backwards into the water.  
  
The water was so cold that I felt as if I would instantly freeze. The cold pierced through my clothes, through my skin... it chilled me to the bone in less than a second. Cold as it was it also helped me recover quickly from my fall and, coughing up water, I sat up straight, only to notice the smirk on Elf-boy's arrogant face.  
  
'You did this, didn't you?' I said angrily as I stood up.  
  
'I have no idea what you're talking about' he replied innocently. Yeah right. And cheese is made of strawberries.  
  
'You did this with your Elven magic!' I accused him.  
  
'What Elven magic?' he went on as I started wading the last bit to the riverbank.  
  
'You know damn well what I'm talking about!' I shouted. Just like his people froze Thorin when he was captured. This is not even a fraction of that power.  
  
'Well you have been nagging for days that you wanted to take a bath' he grinned. I so wanted to charge at him and kick his ass right there, but I knew that if it came to fighting I was no match for him. Frustrating fact. Where's a bow and arrow when you need them?  
  
I walked to my horse and took my towel and spare clothes out of my bag. I started walking to the little grove I saw nearby to get changed.  
  
'And where do you think you're going?' Legolas's voice came from behind me.  
  
'To that grove over there' I replied without turning around.  
  
'No you're not. You might not return'  
  
'Oh come on! If I was plotting an escape I would've done that whilst you were busy crossing the river. Besides, you're making this journey to get rid of me anyway' I replied, now seriously pissed. I was cold and soaked, all I wanted was to put on some dry clothes. And then Elf-boy starts whining that I might just run away. Yeah sure, I'd really do that on foot when I'm wearing wet clothes. This once again proves that he must be a natural blonde. He fell silent after my words, probably realizing that he had absolutely no point.  
  
'My prisoners don't escape, they never do, and I intend to keep it that way. You won't go unless by my will' he said after a while.  
  
'How about the thirteen Dwarves? Or Bilbo Baggins? Or *Gollum*? Or was he just a guest?' I turned around, challenging look on my face. Legolas tried to glare me to death. He failed.  
  
'I wasn't with the guards at that time. If I wa-'  
  
'Yeah, yeah. bla bla...' I interrupted him.  
  
'Get on your horse, now!' he hissed through gritted teeth, his hand dangerously close to one of the Elven knives he carried with him. I decided this might be the right time not to mock him any further and walked back to my horse. I put the spare clothes back in my pack and wrapped the towel around me, swearing to all the known deities in Middle-earth that I'd get back on him for all the injustice he made me go through.  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
Elena sneezed and suddenly started coughing as if her lungs were coming out. After a while the coughing stopped and she gasped for air, inhaled deeply a couple of times and then started breathing normally again. Five days since she fell in the river and she still had a fever. I seriously don't understand how mortals can get ill so easily. She started coughing again, even louder this time, and longer. Her face had turned deep red and for a moment I thought she would choke. My hopes dissolved into nothing shortly after when the coughing stopped. A cool breeze blew through the forest of Sarn Gebir and made the leaves of the trees rustle for a moment, then it died down. Elena shivered.  
  
'Oh come on, you're not cold, are you?!' I exclaimed.  
  
'Yes I am. And if you'd-' she sneezed. 'If you'd know what being ill is like you'd understand'  
  
'But I don't know what it's like. Elves don't suffer from diseases'  
  
'They just forgot to mention that it doesn't include mental illness, right Legolas?' I decided not to respond to this and ignored her, enjoying the silence for as long as it lasted.  
  
But it was too silent. The wind had died down entirely, the rustling of the leaves had stopped and I couldn't hear a single bird singing in a range of miles. The only sound in this eerie silence was the soft thudding of our horses' hooves on the path. The silence was as a heavy cloak about me. Memories of evil things came back up. Something was drawing near.  
  
'We have to leave this forest as soon as possible, we have to hurry!' I said to Elena, surprised how loud my voice sounded in the almost death-like silence. She started coughing again, but nodded and we sped on our horses. She felt it too. Only seconds after that, I could hear faint thudding in the distance. I looked back. A band of orcs, but still some miles behind us. Even as I watched I could see them gaining in on us. We sped on our horses even more.  
  
Dodging low overhanging branches I looked back again, only to see that the orcs had come very close already. How could they be this fast? I shot the fastest orcs, but it didn't stop the other orcs as I had hoped. I turned my head back just in time to see several very low branches right in front of me. I managed to dodge them quite well, but couldn't help getting several scratches on my face.  
  
I pushed Melda to the brink of exhaustion, we had to stay ahead of the orcs. Small flakes of foam flew from his mouth, Melda wouldn't be able to keep up this speed forever and was already getting exhausted. Elena shouted something at me, she was falling behind. I turned and shot back another arrow at the orcs. Suddenly Elena screamed again, in fear this time, and I turned back to see what was wrong. Out of the bushes next to the path ahead of us jumped another band of orcs.  
  
Elena's horse pranced, threw her off and flew before the orcs. Before any of the orcs could move towards her I'd already shot five of them, and she'd managed to grab the dagger Aragorn had given her. The orcs shrieked and moved to attack just as I leaped off my horse and drew the knives I carried with me. Immediately I started fighting the orcs, slaying them as fast as I could. We were severely outnumbered and we'd lost one horse. I spun to see how Elena was faring but the only thing I saw was that the orcs behind us had caught up. I slashed at them, tried to prevent myself from being surrounded.  
  
Luckily there weren't as many orcs as I had first seen in that flash of a second, and sooner than I expected I had slain all of my attackers. I sought for Elena. She wasn't in direct eyesight. I ran towards where I could hear sounds of battle. I may hate her, but I went through a whole lot of trouble, got this far on the road, I will not just have her killed by orcs. It would show me weak, unable to defend myself and a prisoner against a couple of miserable orcs. She will not leave, nor die, unless by my will and my will alone.  
  
There was Elena, surrounded by six huge orcs and several orc corpses, stained red and black with orc blood and her own. She was panting heavily, and disarmed. Even as I ran to her aid and threw one of my knives straight in the throat of one of the orcs, the largest orc stabbed her in the side. She gasped and sank to the ground, clutching her side. Her eyes met mine, filled with fear of dying.  
  
I let out an angry cry. Nobody has the right to kill my prisoner. Nobody but me. And nobody should die at the hands of an orc, not even Elena. I attacked the remaining orcs.  
  
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E/N: Wieeeeeeeee!!! I have a new cellphone!!! With Ringwraiths cover!!! And three LotR ringtones!!! And a LotR screensaver on it too!!! And yes, my phone bill went skyrocketing ever since I got the new cellphone. So? I have a really cool cellphone =P. Why I'm telling this? Are you jealous yet? Good, there's your answer. Blabla yaddayaddayadda... reviews yaddayadda... constructive criticism welcome too... flames for Denethor... blabla... you guessed correctly, I'm utterly bored.  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
Post Scriptum: (sorry for annoying you with my Latin. I just wanted to show off that I know Latin for once =P) I put my Moria-school basement story up as a fic. Which means that you can see the convo's we had whilst discovering, and know more about our plans, if you're interested. You can also join our Fellowship, if you want. JOIN THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE CALCULATOR!!! Anyway, go read it! I'm gonna make a manga of the story too, and post it on the web. Blabbering too long already, so bye. For real this time. Or not.  
  
Post Post Scriptum: SORRY FOR THE CLIFFIE!!! STORY DOES NOT END HERE!!! SORRY FOR THE SHORTNESS OF THIS CHAPTER!!!  
  
Post Post Post Scriptum: DON'T KILL ME FOR LETTING LEGOLAS HAVE SOME VENGEANCE!!!  
  
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Me: Thanks for the compliment/review. I hope you liked this chapter.  
  
Isis: Well, here's the new chapter. Sorry for the delay. I hope you enjoyed this chapter too. And yes, commanding me to write does help. When readers command, I can only obey...  
  
Lady Aurian: Here's your update! Hope you liked! But I don't think you knew of this part though. I re-wrote it.  
  
lil' odd me: Patience is a virtue they say. I hope that, despite the delay. You still think this is good (enough). Working on High school, Elvea's POV as well. Prepare for a long chapter.  
  
Belladonna Bloom: Don't waste your time reviewing every chapter I write. Just review when you feel like it. Glad you think it's funny.  
  
Frodo-Lover: Well, here's the first chapter of the next couple. It's gonna get better again after this, I swear. Elena's mission of annoying Legolas to mental damage is far from over. Prepare for poetry, songs, PMS and more. Well, Moria is really in my school basement, so I'm gonna try to find the secret passageway to Middle-earth. Obviously my school and Middle-earth are parallel. Oh and yes, I still have Pippin Hobbit napped.  
  
Yavanna: Brilliant! I love that word! They say Elijah uses it a lot! Can you guess I'm an Elijah/Frodo fan? Need to think of a way to get him in here somehow... hmmm... You're welcome btw, for thanking me writing this. You should also thank my kid sister though, for forcing me to write during class and every free hour I have. She hates LotR, and is thus addicted to this story, you see. I simply get bored of Legomances, so no problem writing this. Beware of the Diabolical Plot Bunnies of Doom (tm), they might just show up anywhere.  
  
Black Pearl: Okay, that's cool! I created someone's hero! Feel so special now... *cough*Legolas's Big Ego Syndrome*cough* I promise next update will be sooner, seeing as my test week is now officially over. Thank the Valar for that. If you burn down my school and help me defeat the Evil Mathematics Teacher of Hell I might even be faster with an update... *hinthint*  
  
Oasisrocker: Hey, me again! Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long. I'm so happy that people agree with me and what I said in the prologue. I feared I would only get flames for this. In stead I got lovely reviewers. Thanks for saying that my story's well written, nobody really said that yet. Makes me feel good (I needed that after a double hour of mathematics from Sauron). I promise things will get funnier again, and once again, don't die. I'm not writing stories to kill people. For stories like that you should read Endomiel's. She's the Goddess of Evil you see. TTFN!  
  
Hoku Bloom Greenleaf: |:o) so happy you love it. I don't think Elena is you though, even if she looks like you in certain ways. I made her up (duh). Do you think the kicking was enough vengeance, or should she get more? I have had requests for that. Need more opinions, seeing as I have loads of ideas for the next chapters.  
  
Sandman: *blushes* Thanks for the compliments, they were really sweet. Gosh, you said... unique. About your thoughts on Legolas stories... you are probably right. Most girls Mary Sue him. He's either a Mary Sue, or he marries one *belch*. The whole reason why I wrote this story. I'm glad the idea succeeded instead of getting me flamed to hell. (Flame my mathematics teacher! He BELONGS in hell!)  
  
ola: Like I said before, I can't deny my readers anything. It's (one of my) weak point(s). Sorry it wasn't all that soon. They will get more frequent, I promise.  
  
ElvenPickle: That came out really blunt, do you realize that? Still funny though, I haven't had a single reviewer yet who literally called him an asshole. Heard things in that direction though. I agree with you on the Mary Sue part. DEATH TO THE MARY SUE AND MARY SUE-LIKE LEGOLAS'S!!! I've had enough of those. They made Legolas' ego what it is like in my story. WAY too big. So now he must suffer... heheh... oh what the hell... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Naseera: Don't worry, I caught the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom and safely locked them away. They won't bother me with dangerous plot twists and Deus-Ex-Machina's for the time being. May have to release them when I run out of ideas though (don't worry, that won't happen, I have the plot all figured, and loads of ideas). Getting sick of Legomances too. Opinion question: should Elena get more vengeance? 


	5. Pissy Maiden Syndrome

IOHITF - WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!  
  
E/N: Okay, I know, this took me ages. I'm sorry. I meant to update sooner, but *someone* (glares at Endomiel and several other people, of which some are random) made me update other fics first. Seeing as I had to fill about 35 pages, that took a while. Therefore I'm gonna write an extra long chapter this time, as long as you don't shoot me. (Shoot my mathematics teacher! He's perfect for target practice! Really!) Well, I'll just get to writing then...  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip,  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to all the lovely readers and reviewers I currently have on this story. Thank you all so much for reading this story, and for not flaming me to hell simply because of the idea for the story alone, which is basically what I'd expected to happen. Thank you for making it turn out so different. I hope you'll all enjoy this.  
  
"But the king (A/N: Thranduil), when he received the prayers of Bard, had pity, for he was the lord of a good and kindly people..." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 14; Fire and Water)  
  
"Legolas turned and set an arrow to the string, though it was a long shot for his small bow. He drew, but his hand fell, and the arrow slipped to the ground. He gave a cry of dismay and fear (A/N: MOMMY!!!). Two great trolls appeared (...). But it was not the trolls that had filled the Elf with terror. The ranks of orcs had opened, and they crowded away, as if they themselves were afraid. Something was coming up behind them. What it was could not be seen: it was like a great shadow, in the middle of which was a dark form, of man-shape maybe, yet greater; and a power and terror seemed to be in it and to go before it. (...) in its left hand it held a whip of many thongs.  
  
'Ai! Ai!' wailed Legolas. 'A Balrog! A Balrog is come!' " (the Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 2 - chapter 5; The Bridge of Khazad- Dûm)  
  
"In the waybread of the Elves he (A/N: Legolas) found all the sustenance that he needed, and he could sleep, if sleep it could be called by Men, resting his mind in the strange paths of elvish dreams, even as he walked open-eyed in the light of this world." (the Two Towers, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 3 - chapter 2; The Riders of Rohan)  
  
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Chapter 4 - Pissy Maiden Syndrome  
  
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~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I gasped as I felt the orc's dagger sink deep into my side. I'M GOING TO DIE!!! The cry rang through my mind as I sank to the ground. Just before I was overtaken by the darkness, I could see Legolas letting out a fierce cry and he attacked the remainder of orcs, then everything turned black.  
  
Was I dead? I didn't know. All I knew was the darkness around me, and the deathlike silence that accompanied it. Death-like. What a stupid term to use when you're not even sure if you're still alive or not. There seemed to be no end to the darkness. Just when I realized that I had to be dead, I could hear faint whispers in the distance.  
  
'Hello?! Is anyone there?!' I called out into the darkness. It was of no avail. Even as the words left my mouth, they died down again. Died down. Death. Dead. But am I dead?  
  
I heard more whispers in the distance. I tried to run towards the source of the sound, but I found myself unable to move. I looked down. More darkness, not even the slightest indication of where I could be. Heaven? Hell? Well, then it sure is annoying. And I didn't seem to have a body anymore. More whispers in the distance. I tried to focus on the sound. Whispers in a language I didn't know. Wait a minute... if you can hear, that means that you have to have a body of some kind, right? Or do ghosts have a normal hearing-ability too?  
  
So what does this mean? That I'm not dead, but in a coma or something? Or does it mean that this is some kind of afterlife?  
  
The whispers became louder, and after a while a clear voice was speaking to me, but even though the voice sounded familiar, I couldn't quite place it, nor did I understand the words.  
  
A bright light -oh how cliché- appeared in the far distance, growing as it approached. Drawing nearer to me I could make out a human shape in the light. Was an angel come to take me to heaven?  
  
'Elena, lasto beth nin. Tolo dan nan aurë' the voice came again, and it seemed to come from the angel. The words seemed familiar, I had heard them somewhere else, but my memory was blurred and I just couldn't figure it out.  
  
'Elena, listen to my voice. Return to the light of day' the angel said in words I could understand.  
  
'How?' I asked.  
  
'Tolo dan nan galad. Return to the light' the angel said. Now that's a great help. Return to the light. Easy for him to say, he *is* the light... I AM SUCH A MORON!!! It's so obvious! Return to the light. The angel is the light.  
  
I stepped forward -why is it that I *can* move now, but couldn't move half a minute ago?!- and took the angel's hand.  
  
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~  
  
I closed my eyes for a moment when Elena reached out and took my hand. After I had slain the remaining orcs I had ran over to her and had found her alive, but barely breathing. All that time, words spoken not long ago ran through my mind.  
  
"Hmmm... this might not even be such a bad idea after all. With a little luck I'll lose her on the way, or she'll freeze to death, or maybe she'll get eaten by wargs, or slain by orcs...'  
  
'Well I'm sure that won't happen Master Elf, because she has a very respectable, wise, noble, mighty and invincible prince with her to protect her from danger until she gets home..."  
  
Invincible and wise... but only when I didn't let my personal feelings get in the way of a person's life. Only if nobody died I would be truly invincible. Now I understood what Aragorn had meant.  
  
I had laid Elena down and had removed the dagger carefully. Then I had quickly investigated the wound. It was deep, but far on the side of her body -she must have turned herself aside in a reflex- and had not hit any vital organs thanks to that. Then I had tended the wound to stop the bleed, and when that was done I tried to reach her in the darkness of her mind, and had tried to get her out of it. That's when she grabbed my hand, a sign that she was regaining conscience, despite the amount of blood she had lost.  
  
She opened her eyes. They grew wide when she noticed how close my face was to hers, even wider when she noticed her lack of tunic and that I was leaning over her.  
  
'GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY ELF!!!' she screamed with an amazingly strong voice, and then pushed me away with a strength you also wouldn't expect from someone as badly injured as she was. I got up.  
  
'Elena, listen...' I said, 'this is not what it looks like, I-'  
  
'So you're saying that I should just lay here half-naked finding your face half an inch away from mine, and believe you when you say that it's not what it looks like?!' she shouted furiously as she jumped up. She winced in pain and grabbed for her side. I walked to her to help her, but she hit my stretched-out arm away in anger.  
  
'Yes! I mean, no! I mean-'  
  
'This is disgusting do you realize that?! I nearly get killed by orcs and you decide that it's fun-time for you! You-'  
  
'Like I'd want *you*' I replied angrily. How dare she accuse me of such a thing?! She glared at me, then kicked my shin hard. She winced in pain again and sank to the ground, clutching her side.  
  
'Asshole' she hissed.  
  
'Stop doing those things! You were bleeding to death and I tended your wound, but if you keep moving like that it's gonna start bleeding again!'  
  
'Why did you help me if you hate me so much anyway?! Wasn't it exactly what you wanted, me getting killed?!'  
  
'The only one with the right to kill you, is me! If you die on this journey, it will only be BY MY HANDS!!! Besides, I could never show my face to Aragorn and Arwen again if I can't even protect a prisoner from a small band of orcs'  
  
'But when you were done you thought "hey, might as well have a little fun to relax from all the worries!" so you decided to rape me' she replied icily, sending me a cold glance from where she sat. The cold of her glance made me shudder for a moment. 'You disgust me so much. I'm so glad the angel came to rescue me before you could do anything!'  
  
'What angel?!'  
  
'The creature of light, you idiot!'  
  
'That's what I'm trying to tell you! It was me! I brought you back!'  
  
'What?!'  
  
'It was me!'  
  
'Liar! Explain why my tunic is missing!'  
  
'Well it's kind of hard to take care of a wound in the chest if I don't take the thing off, don't you think?! If you want it, it's right over there!' I pointed at the tunic that was lying pretty much right next to her. She glared at me, then put it on as fast as she could without her wound causing her too much pain. 'You cold at least thank me for saving your life!' I said.  
  
'WHY DON'T YOU JUST WALK TO MORDOR?!!!' she shouted.  
  
'Been there, done that...' I replied softly and truthfully, but she had heard it. (A/N: Legolas went as far as the Black Gate, but that still counts as Mordor) She let out a furious cry and kicked a tree-trunk to get rid of her anger.  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I cried in pain as I kicked the tree, I felt pain with every move I made all thanks to that stupid orc. Stupid Legolas, he can't even heal me properly. Really, he's such a pain! Literally! And how could I have been so stupid?! An angel, yeah right. An Elf. And then the words I didn't understand right away... simple Elvish. Hello! I speak all Elvish known on Earth fluently! I've read every book about Middle-earth at least 10 times just to learn the Elvish! And this was literally in the movie too! God I feel like such an idiot.  
  
I kicked the tree again and grasped at my side right away as the pain shot through my entire body. I sank to the ground, breathing heavily.  
  
'I told you, if you keep doing that, your wound will start bleeding again' Legolas said.  
  
'Like you care'  
  
'Fine! Bleed to death! See if I care!'  
  
'Fine!'  
  
'Fine!'  
  
~*~  
  
It was now ten days since the attack of the orcs, and six days since we crossed the Anduin at the South Undeep. We were now riding through the Brown Lands, as Elf-boy had told me. As if I didn't know that. I know my topography of Middle-earth perfectly, including Beleriand and Númenor. Hell, I knew even a part of the map of Valinor. Okay, so they're the only maps I can read, at least I can be sure not to get lost in this stupid world. Except maybe when I'm in the middle of Mirkwood on my own, or get kidnapped and blindfolded, or when I'm taken so far south that it's not on the map anymore... anyway, I know where we are.  
  
The name of these lands made perfect sense if you only looked around. The landscape consisted of wide stretched out plains, scattered all over the slopes these lands contained. The plains were full of dehydrated plants, or simply remainders of other things, as if a great fire had gone all over the lands not long ago. By my knowledge of the books, though, that fire was here thousands of years ago, caused by Sauron in his first wars on Middle- earth. The look of these lands, and the knowledge that Sauron had caused this made me think of Mordor all the more; a barren wasteland.  
  
Every once in a while there was a small grove, but all the trees were dead, ghastly remainders of what had once been beautiful trees. In all these lands water was scarce, and drinkable water even harder to find. Also, there were no paths at all, it seemed that not a single human being (or Elven, or Dwarfish or Hobbit or whatever) had travelled through these parts for centuries. Great, now we're also playing explorer. In all the days that we had ridden through these parts I hadn't seen a single living creature except for Elf-boy and our horses.  
  
I am glad to say that we found my horse back after the attack of the orcs, which means that I don't have to sit right behind Elf-boy on his horse. There is a God! Woohoo! The idiot naming himself Legolas had in the meantime decided to allow me to take baths in nearby streams and pools. Apparently he finds it amusing to allow me such things when there's hardly any water to find. Trust me, you will NOT like Middle-earth if ever you get there, and I'm *still* waiting for that nurse with my medication.  
  
Legolas gestured for me to halt and we stopped our horses for a short break. As I dismounted I felt the pain going through me again, that damn wound refused to heal faster. And if you thought things couldn't get worse, you were wrong. I also had a major pain in the stomach and was in a particularly bad mood because I had discovered half an hour ago that certain laws of nature had decided to also work in this stupid world, which resulted in me PMS-ing at the worst possible time.  
  
And I'm not even going to bother to ask Legolas for tampons or anything, because he probably hasn't heard of that anyway. Nor did I ask for any aspirin, and I certainly didn't ask for chocolate, because the most sacred invention ever has not been invented here in Middle-earth. Somebody is soooooo going to die! I swear, Middle-earth is hell. Makes you wonder if Sauron secretly took over the world anyway.  
  
I grabbed my pack to get my water skin out. My eyes fell on the pieces of cloth Arwen had given me before I left Minas Tirith. So that's what they're for... bless Arwen and her foreseeing eye. Maybe she'd put in some painkilling herbs or something in here as well, I mean, she's an Elf, she knows all about those things... I hope. It took me half a minute to find out I was wrong. No herbs. Crap.  
  
'We'll be leaving in a minute' Legolas said. Hey... Elf-boy could fetch me some herbs... okay, this asks for a subtle approach.  
  
'Legolas' I said in a voice so sweet that you'd spontaneously get holes in your teeth had you heard it, 'fetch me some herbs or I'll kill you'  
  
'No. I don't have time for useless things like that'  
  
'I want my painkilling herbs!'  
  
'No'  
  
'Get me herbs. Now!'  
  
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~  
  
Before I knew what was happening, Elena jumped me, causing me to fall backwards and land underneath her. She started choking me. Now this is what I call scary; a severely wounded mortal girl, managing to catch me off guard and pinning me to the ground! Moreover, she was busy killing me, or trying to do so anyway. The look in her eyes told me it was serious. She looked so angry that it made an angry Balrog look like a cute pet. Getting a pet Balrog might not even be a bad idea when all this is done. I mean, I had to suppress the urge to scream in terror, I was not going to make a fool out of myself like I'd done years ago in Moria.  
  
'Okay! I'll get you your precious herbs!' I forced the words out of my throat. She let go immediately and calmly sat down next to me. I gasped for air. She started humming some tune, looking very pleased, and not at all with her mind in this world. Give her some flowers and she'll make a garland with them. I can almost see the daisies in her hair already.  
  
I left her behind to get her the bloody herbs she wanted, hoping that I would be able to find anything at all in these lands. I was lucky. After a couple of minutes a faint scent of something like chamomile entered my nose. I ran towards the nearly dehydrated plant, thanking Eru and the Valar for saving my life. I looked at the plant. It wasn't chamomile. It was similar, looked almost the same, but had a side effect normal chamomile didn't have: it puts you to sleep if you boil and drink it. I thanked all deities I knew again for this pleasant surprise. I put the leaves of the plant in a bag that I had brought as fast as I could, then I headed back to Lady Death-glare.  
  
'What took you so long?!' she asked when I returned.  
  
'Well it's not like it's easy to find any living plant at all in a place like this' I replied, letting my annoyance through in my voice. I handed her the bag of "chamomile". She practically snatched it from my hands.  
  
'They're not poisonous, are they?' she asked in a distrusting way. I grinned.  
  
'They're just as poisonous as the bread and meat I prepared for you when Aragorn was still with us' instead of glaring at me she slowly stuck up her middle finger. Does that mean that there's improvement in the situation? She opened the bag to see what was inside.  
  
'You bloody idiot!' she shouted. 'This is chamomile! I can't use this if I don't have any water to boil it with!' I shrugged.  
  
'Not my problem'  
  
~*~  
  
I sat down in front of the fire I'd just made, at a safe distance from Miss I-make-even-Balrogs-look-nice. It was now the end of the day, and Elena was still mad at me for not getting her some water along with the herbs. I looked at her. She was sitting at the other side of the fire, happily humming some annoying tune, occasionally taking a bite of her bread. Suddenly she looked up and glared at me.  
  
'What are you staring at?!'  
  
'I uh... well, uhm... why should I justify my deeds to you?! You're my prisoner!'  
  
'That doesn't give you the right to stare at me without a reason!'  
  
'I have a reason!'  
  
'OH YEAH?!!!'  
  
'YEAH!!!'  
  
'Then what is it?'  
  
'I was wondering how in Manwë's name it's possible that you're too stupid to figure out that you could also use the water in your water skin to boil the chamomile' she glared at me.  
  
'You're such an ass'  
  
'Look who's talking' I fired back. She stood up and walked over to me. She raised her hand to slap me, but I was faster. I caught her wrist and glared at her. 'Don't even think about it' I hissed. She smiled sweetly, which meant that I had to be on my guard.  
  
'Okay, you win. I give up. I won't slap you. Scout's honour'  
  
'Swear it to something. Swear it to... swear it to your right to bathe!' Anger flashed onto her face.  
  
'Fine' she hissed. 'I swear' I let go of her wrist. I should've known better. With an immense speed and force her foot crashed onto mine. I held back a scream and the urge to slap her myself. If it wasn't for the fact that I don't hit women... she grinned triumphantly. 'You said nothing about the use of my feet' she turned and walked to the horses. She started searching her pack, then took out her water skin, a small cup, the bag of chamomile and a small kettle to boil it in. Where did she get the cup and the kettle? Then she sat down in front of the fire again.  
  
I decided to sit down as well, and sat down at the other side of the fire, at the safest distance from Elena. Safe's a relative term, certainly with Elena. MOST certainly with a PMS-ing Elena. PMS. Pissy Maiden Syndrome. With a (PMS-ing) Elena, a hundred miles probably wouldn't even be a safe distance. I must've seriously pissed off the Valar to deserve this...  
  
After a while she was done making her tea. I observed her as she took a sip. She spat it out, pulling a face as if she'd just swallowed a piece of cheese covered in fungus (and several previously undiscovered species of bugs along with it).  
  
'Oh my God!' This is just too gross! TOO GROSS!!!' she screamed. I snickered. She glared at me. 'You knew this would taste terrible, didn't you?'  
  
'You never asked what it tastes like'  
  
'You could've warned me!'  
  
'Could've...'  
  
'This tastes even worse that the chamomile-tea at home!' she shuddered at some distant memory. 'What kind of chamomile is this anyway?!'  
  
'Chamomile from the Brown Lands' I replied dryly.  
  
'Which means?' she asked. I didn't answer. She was PMS-ing and even more dangerous than usual. She'd kill me if I told her. 'Well?'  
  
'It won't kill you. It just tastes horrible, that's all. It does make the pain go away' I answered, avoiding the rest of the truth. She carefully took another sip. She pulled a disgusted face, but took some more sips anyway. She let out a sigh of relief and lay down in the grass, stretching herself out. Good, if the chamomile kicks in now I won't have to worry about her for the next two days. Finally I'll get some peace. For ten minutes she didn't move, then she stirred and sat up straight. She looked at me and licked her lips. Uh-oh...  
  
'Hey Legolas' she said, 'have I ever told you how extremely appealing and sexy you look in that tunic and legging of yours?' Father once told me never to trust a PMS-ing woman. I have the nasty feeling I'm about to find out why...  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I sat up and looked around, feeling a bit light in the head. My eye fell on Legolas. He sure looked good... I licked my lips.  
  
'Hey Legolas. have I ever told you how extremely appealing and sexy you look in that tunic and legging of yours?' I asked him. He looked at me as if he suspected me of being the devil himself.  
  
'No. Why?' he asked, still looking at me as if I was the incarnation of the devil (or Morgoth, or Sauron for that matter). I stood up and walked to him.  
  
'Because I realized the truth should be said out loud for a change' I said as I sat down next to him. I looked into his eyes. He seemed... afraid...  
  
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~  
  
'Don't be scared' she said whilst looking into my eyes. 'I won't hurt you' Yeah right. She ran her finger down my chest. This is not good. This is so not good. I tried to crawl backwards, but she caught my wrist. 'Stay. Handsome princes don't flee from damsels in distress'  
  
'Is this damsel in distress then?' I asked, somewhere deep down knowing better.  
  
'Yes, very much. And she needs a strong, handsome, intelligent, brave, noble, wise, admirable prince to rescue her... she needs someone like...' she paused for a moment. '...you' on second thought I can see advantages in the situation.  
  
'Are there any other good qualities in the prince?' I asked.  
  
'So many... he's gentle, caring, loving - and everybody loves him...'  
  
'Go on...'  
  
'Furthermore he has perfect table manners' -how would she know?!- 'he's very mighty, he has style, great sense of dressing, a voice like music, soft hands even when angry, but most of all he's...'  
  
'He's...?' I asked. She leaned forward towards me.  
  
'...extremely good at...' if this is going where I think it's going... uh- oh... she pushed me backwards and leaned over me. Yes it's going where I thought it to be going... help! She bent her head down. Get her off! Get her off! GET HER OFF!!! Her head lowered further. Her breath brushed over my lips. Her eyes were fixed on them, filled with... okay, now I know what pure lust looks like... suddenly the look in her eyes changed entirely. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse...  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I lowered my head to kiss him. My mind was fixed on doing it, on finding out what he tastes like. I couldn't recall a single moment of my life that I had wanted him more than right now. My whole body wanted him, completely. And the desire gave me an incredible amount of strength. He was pinned under me, at my mercy. Well he doesn't have to worry. I won't hurt him much. With every millimetre that my lips came closer to his my heart started beating faster, and I wanted him even more than the brief moments before. The desire was maddening, I wanted him, NOW! I had hinted it, he had responded in his own way... just a few more millimetres...  
  
OH MY FRIGGIN' GOD!!! What am I thinking?! What have I said?! WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL AM I BLOODY DOING?!!!  
  
I pulled my head back as fast as I could when my common sense returned. I jumped up, ignoring the pain in my side for the moment. How did I...? What in the world had made me...? How could I possibly have wanted *him*?! Legolas, of all people!!! I BLOODY HATE HIM!!! Then what...? The chamomile!  
  
'You liar! You disgusting animal! You filthy little orc!' I shouted. 'You perv-'  
  
'Pardon?' he interrupted. 'A perverted person, me? It was YOU who bloody jumped me!'  
  
'I didn't jump you!'  
  
'Yes you did!'  
  
'I did not! Besides, you gave me the chamomile!'  
  
'Huh?'  
  
'Don't play innocent on me! You knew perfectly well that the bloody herb would infect my behaviour like this!'  
  
'By Telperion and Laurelin! If I had known it would've had this effect on you, I would've burned them! I would never have given them to you! It was only supposed to put you to sleep!'  
  
'SO YOU KNEW IT WASN'T ORDINARY CHAMOMILE?!!!'  
  
'I uh... well, uhm... maybe... maybe a little bit...' he stepped backwards in fright. The bloody @$$****!!!  
  
'You know what you can do with that bloody chamomile of yours?!' I said as I picked up the still very full kettle of chamomile-tea from the fire. I cursed when I burned my hand on the thing. Still hot. Legolas snickered. 'You'll be sorry you did that, you freak!' I threw the kettle at Legolas. He jumped aside to avoid being hit, but seeing as the contents of the kettle came out during the flight, he couldn't prevent getting a good amount of hot tea all over him, including his *sensitive area*. He yelped in pain and sank to the ground. I hope he has some third degree burns. The jerk.  
  
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~  
  
Let orcs torment me for countless hours, let Sauron have his Ring back, let Morgoth take over Middle-earth for all I care... anything but this! The hot water singed my skin everywhere, and Elena's cruelties just kept getting worse.  
  
'You said quite different things a couple of minutes ago' I wailed.  
  
'I take back everything I said at that moment. I did not listen to my common sense at the time, or did not have it at all for the moment. Had it been there, I wouldn't have told you those horrible lies'  
  
'Well it sounded pretty complimenting...'  
  
'You just proved my point'  
  
~*~  
  
I'm seriously beginning to think that somebody wants me dead. Some unknown foe, or maybe simply Elena, or maybe she was sent by clever orcs... no, ridiculous. Orcs like to torture people, but they prefer to do it themselves. Or maybe she's Morgoth in disguise... I know! I did something to piss off the Valar and now I'm being punished! That's gotta be it. Or maybe they just don't want me to have children. That would certainly explain why I've been hit down there twice already.  
  
Note to self: bring Valar countless sacrifices and apologize to them a billion times to make the pain stop.  
  
I hadn't rested all night. Not because I was in so much pain, in fact I felt little pain at all. Being an Elf does have advantages at times... like when you need to heal fast. The thing is, I hadn't rested because I didn't trust Elena at all anymore, not even when she was asleep. And although I can rest with open eyes and am still aware of this world, I felt better being entirely awake.  
  
From the corner on my eye I could see Elena waking up. I pretended to be resting, folding my hands neatly over my chest before she saw me. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and stretched herself out. She looked around till her eyes fell on me. They rested there for a moment, then she looked at something else and stood up.  
  
Making as little noise as she could with her noisy human feet she walked towards my pack, which stood not far from me. Careful as not to make any sounds she opened it and, softly humming that annoying tune again, she started searching through its contents. Okay, that's enough. I want to know what she's doing. I feigned to be waking up.  
  
'What are you doing?' I asked her, getting up.  
  
'Oh, I just wanted to know what kind of shampoo you use!' she squealed in delight.  
  
'Shampoo?'  
  
'The stuff you use to wash your hair with, remember?!'  
  
'What do you mean?'  
  
'Like I said it! What shampoo do you use to wash your hair with? Is it because you're worth it? Or do you simply have the urge to herbal? Or do you want kissable hair? Or maybe you just like it when it dances...'  
  
'Come again?'  
  
'Don't be such a bitch Elf-boy! Fess up! What do you use?!'  
  
'Why would you want to know?!'  
  
'Not for myself, but for the sake of millions of fan girls back home!'  
  
'Fan-girls? What are they?'  
  
'Your worst nightmare'  
  
'So that would mean... millions of you...' I grinned. She glared at me.  
  
'I should take you home and sell you off E-Bay. I'd make quite a lot of money on someone who's actually this worthless' she replied airily. I glared back at her. I have no idea whatsoever this E-Bay is, but whatever it is, coming from Elena's mouth it can only be an insult. 'So are you still gonna tell me what you use?'  
  
'Why would I?'  
  
'Because I'm asking you'  
  
'You forgot to say the magic word' finally a chance to make *her* beg.  
  
'You could also not be a selfish jerk and simply tell'  
  
'How come it matters so much to you anyway?'  
  
'Not to me, to others! Half my world is dying to know what you use! There are huge debates going on whether it's Herbal Essences or Head and Shoulders!'  
  
'Well let them die. I'm not telling you'  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
'You're such an insensitive bastard!' I shouted at the lame excuse for an Elven being. How is it that he can't see the importance of this matter? Every Legolas-fan girl in the world wishes to know! 'Too bloody selfish to even tell me which shampoo you use! No matter, I'll find out eventually, even if you don't tell me' I turned away from him and walked back to my sleeping spot. 'Oh and Legging-las' I said whilst walking, ' I hope all your hair falls out and never returns'  
  
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~  
  
I sighed. Personally, I was getting tired of the constant quarrel, but knowing Elena, making up or even trying to be nice would be of no avail. She'd still want to kill me. Besides, making up would mean apologizing and there's no way that I'm gonna apologize to *her*. Also, I hate her. That means that there's no point in making up. She simply isn't worth it. Well, I still need something to get rid of all this energy I gained out of frustration. Maybe some sort of prank... I sighed again. I couldn't come up with anything for the moment, and in these forsaken lands I could get no material at all to pull a prank on her anyway. And I sure as hell ain't gonna use no more herbs. She only took a couple of sips last night, so the effect didn't last long. But imagine if she'd drunk all of it... it's too horrible to even think about... I let out a third sigh.  
  
'What's the matter Legolas?' Elena asked worriedly. Elena? Worried? What's the catch?  
  
'Nothing'  
  
'You sighed three times'  
  
'So?'  
  
'Something's the matter. You can always turn to me if you have a problem...' she stood up, walked to me, sat down next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. 'Come on, throw it all out. You'll feel so much better!' Okay, I don't know which is scarier: Elena being the total bitch she usually is; or Elena being nice...  
  
'I doubt it'  
  
'Oh you self-centred imbecile!' she exclaimed, 'I'm trying to be nice! Forget it, you're not worth it! Not worth anything at all!' she jumped up, rubbing her arm as if she'd just touched something extremely filthy. She cooled down a bit. 'Okay. Forget about L'Oreal. If you're not worth it, you don't use it...' Huh?  
  
~*~  
  
It had been nearly noon before we rode off again. Thanks to that block- headed mortal, of course. Elena just continued nagging about everything; that she wanted to take a bath, that she was hungry, that I was the most annoying person in the world, that she wanted me to die... the usual. Fortunately I hadn't gotten any physical damage inflicted by her today, so all in all it wasn't even such a bad day. I've figured out one thing though. She's evil as can be. It's like this:  
  
Elena = woman  
  
Woman = time x money  
  
Time = money, so...  
  
Woman = money2  
  
Money = root of evil, so...  
  
Woman = (root of evil)2, which means that  
  
Woman = evil, and because Elena is a woman, she is evil. This does mean that all women are evil though. In that case Elena is obviously the leader of them all. It's a conspiracy against me. The women want me to die because I look too good. That's it. Well, I'll just have to be on my guard then, and strike before she does. I grinned as a plan started taking shape in my head. Suddenly Elena started crying.  
  
'Daro' I whispered to my horse. Melda slowed down, then he stopped. Elena followed my lead. 'What's wrong, Elena?' I asked demandingly, not at all appreciating the new delay. At this speed, it'll take us years to get to Rivendell.  
  
'I miss my guinea pig!' she sniffed.  
  
'Guinea pig?' What the hell is that?  
  
'Well it's not like I have one, but I miss it anyway!' she went on crying. I sighed. What do you mean, mood swings? Even worse than anything else I've seen before.  
  
'I'm sure he'll great you happily when you get back' I said in an effort to comfort in some way so she would stop crying and we could continue the journey again.  
  
'OH YOU BRAIN-DEAD MORON!!! GUINEA PIGS CAN'T TALK!!! YOU ARE SUCH AN ASS!!!' she shouted at me. Well at least she stopped crying.  
  
'Very nice. Now if you're done making your scene, we can continue our journey' I replied, resulting in her sending me yet another glare.  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
Eight days since PMS started, and thank God it had stopped again. PMS-ing without anything to make the pain stop is not exactly nice. I looked at the dark line I saw at the horizon. The southern eaves of Mirwood, and we would reach them somewhere tomorrow morning. I had no idea what to expect of it, and to be honest, the thought of entering the forest somewhat scares me. After the orc-attack I've had just about enough adventure I could stand, enough to last me a lifetime.  
  
Having read both the Hobbit and the trilogy about forty times in total I knew all too well that the forest was full of orcs, giant spiders and other creatures I don't even want to know of. Not to mention Legolas... also, the thought of having to come in a range of one hundred miles from Dol Guldur wasn't exactly very comforting either, not even now when Sauron and the Nazgûl had been driven out for years. Why oh why did I ask for adventure? Me and my big mouth...  
  
'We'll set up our camp here' Legolas announced.  
  
'Why here? Why not some other place?'  
  
'In these lands it doesn't matter where we make our camp, this spot is just as dehydrated as any other'  
  
'But I wanna bathe!'  
  
'Tough luck, there's no water here. Besides, you wanted the detour yourself'  
  
'I hate you so much'  
  
'Yeah, same to you too'  
  
'I'm glad that we're going into the forest tomorrow, there it'll be too dark to see your arrogant face'  
  
'Sorry? We're not going into the forest tomorrow. There's no good road for our horses here. We'll have to go up to the Old Forest Road before there'll be any proper paths. That's a thirteen days ride from here' Legolas replied. What?! We have to go *around* the bloody forest for two weeks before we enter it?! Two more weeks without much water in these dreaded lands?! Tell me it's not real... where's the nurse when you need her?  
  
'AND YOU TELL ME THIS NOW?!!!' I shouted. 'WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO SOONER?!!!' he shrugged.  
  
'You didn't ask'  
  
'Oh! You... you... you stupid, stupid... ELF-BOY!!!' I yelled, at a total loss of other insults.  
  
'Filthy human' he replied. Okay, that's it. I've had it with the jerk. First he won't let me bathe, then he allows me to bathe but there isn't enough water. AND NOW HE HAS THE NERVES TO CALL ME A FILTHY HUMAN?!!!  
  
'Go manicure your nails!' I shouted as I threw my dagger at him. He dodged it.  
  
'Missed me' he said arrogantly. Exactly at that moment my pack hit him in the face and he fell off his horse.  
  
'Did I?'  
  
~*~ Legolas' POV ~*~  
  
I waited till Elena was sleeping soundly, then I quietly got up. After she'd thrown her dagger at me today, she hadn't gotten it back, but it was time to put the first part of my plan to action. With Mirkwood only a few miles away it should be fairly easy. I mounted Melda and rode towards the forest, knowing that Elena would be safe where she was. Not a single living creature was stupid enough to go into the Brown Lands, so unless she got a heart attack she would still be alive when I get back.  
  
As a Wood-elf I have quite some knowledge of plants, so this should be easy. Once I reached the forest I dismounted, and with my Elven eyes it wasn't hard to find what I was looking for, not even in total darkness. I picked all the berries I could find, along with some other essential plants, and then I quickly rode back. Elena was still asleep. Good.  
  
I mixed the ingredients I had brought until I had the right result. Careful as not to wake her, I spread the substance over her hair, making sure that I didn't miss a single spot. Then I put back every single item that could make her suspicious and went back to my 'bed'. It was only a matter of time now before she would wake up and found that her hair had gone from chestnut to a colourful ensemble. Permanently.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
E/N: Well, this was nearly three times as long as the previous chapter, so I hope you enjoyed it. I'm gonna go to bed now, seeing as it is after midnight and I have school tomorrow. Am hoping for pretty reviews or constructive criticism, flames will be given to my dear Mini-Balrog Boromir, or to Denethor.  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
PS: I want to start a diary at livejournal.com, but I don't know anyone that can give me a code. If you know where to get me one, please let me know. Thanks! Oh, also, I'm bored. Feel free to talk to me over MSN. Ciao!  
  
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Oasisrocker: Glad you liked Legolas' response (and of course his pride). Well, this chapter sure was a whole lot longer, so I guess I hope you find it worth waiting for all that time. (You'd think that if you're ill for two weeks you'll update sooner but no, had other updates to do first). Did you like Legolas' lines in this chapter? I hope you did. I may seem a bit proud of this story, but I can't help it, I have LBES (Legolas' Big Ego Syndrome). It's contagious. Well anyway, see you, love, Elvea.  
  
Arwen Greenleaf: |:o) Thanks for the compliment! I hope you didn't hurt yourself when you fell out of your chair, that'd make me feel so lousy. Just wait for Elena's revenge in the next chapter, I already started on it and I'm sure it'll make you laugh even more than when she attacked him. Well, see you!  
  
ElvenPickle: Don't worry about being blunt. I'm the queen of bluntness so I shouldn't comment. Oh well. They also say I'm queen of bitches (you have to be bitchy to write a story like this). I find it a compliment. Thanks for the compliment on my knowledge, I always found myself knowing rather little. I have a photographic memory and have only read the books twice, but I don't have much faith in my memory seeing as I'm also queen of chaotic people. Hope you liked the chapter. I visited eviloverlord.com. Great website, really funny! Do you have more funny links? I'll be glad to hear! BTW I passed the list on to Endomiel as well, seeing as she is the Goddess of Evil. (I'm the Goddess of all Good, just in case you didn't know or forgot. Ah well). And you are right. Evil laughter does help against stress! Bye!  
  
lil' odd me: Well, I update both fics now, so I hope it makes you happy. And yes you will stay in Highschool, you're a part of my plot now. Happy? Good. *yawns* I'm so tired (and still ill), also, I'm frikkin' hungry. Still can't eat. How are you? Hope your tests went well and all. Passing on to the next reviewer now, so the usual hugs and stuff. -xxx- Elvea.  
  
Lady Eowyn: Thanks for your nice review! I really enjoyed it! I must have read it ten times already because I find it so funny. I'm glad that you seem to enjoy this story so much. Unfortunately I couldn't put berry juice in Legolas' shampoo because he was already going to do it to her, but her revenge will be even better. The idea of Legolas with purple hair made me laugh for fifteen minutes straight though, so thanks. Don't worry about leaving long reviews, those are the best! Also, Bormir says hi to you and Fred. I like your poems! Oh and let me know when you upload your new story! What's it about? Sorry, am very curious person. Love, Elvea.  
  
?: Heh. Nice review, even though very short. For all I know you could be Orlando himself, seeing the word you use, but according to Endomiel he hates computers so it isn't very likely. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!  
  
ithinkineedanewname: Did I leave you in suspense long? I hope I didn't. what am I saying, I know damn well that this update took way too long. Shame on me. Well, I did my best to make this chapter long and funny, so I hope I succeeded in getting laughs out of you. *yawns again* I shouldn't be doing this at three in the morning. Hugs and all, Elvea.  
  
Black Pearl: True, dynamite is better for school destruction, but harder to get. Also it is a very nice building so it would be such a pity if it were destroyed. Killing my mathematics teacher instead will help making me feel better though ;). Elena did hurt Legolas in the groin again, but not by kicking. She is so gonna take revenge on him for everything he did, don't worry. See you, Elvea.  
  
LBFREAK: Another really funny review!!! Legolas with a perm, the idea alone is too much. Fell off my chair laughing when I got that image. But I don't see him killing himself very soon. Sooner he'd kill Elena. Oh well, he'll suffer more than enough before I'm done with this story. Or maybe not, we are talking Legolas here... hmmm... love, Elvea.  
  
melinzie: You're tortured with Latin too? Poor you. Quoque sum insanius et amo Frodo Elijahque. Hope you can translate that. I'm in my fourth year first level so I sometimes expect too much of other people who know Latin. But this should be easy. Glad you like my story. Love, peace, hugs and a pile of paperclips (very handy items, those paperclips), Elvea.  
  
Yavanna: I thanked my kid sister. She said "you're welcome" so now you should be in mortal fear seeing as my sister is the most annoying person in the world, but she does have some nice ideas sometimes. It's so good to hear people say that they enjoy the Legolas-mocking even when he is a favorite, and I'm glad you like the way you wrote him. Gotta go now, kisses and hugs and such, Elvea.  
  
Jazz: Sorry about the cliffhanger. I felt like having one, and also I felt that I had to update again. Cool to hear you've followed it all along and still enjoy it. I'm also glad to hear that you like the quotes, I sometimes doubted if people even read them. I hope you like the fragment from Moria, it's one of my favorite passages (guess why). Who needs me to mock Legolas when he already makes an idiot of himself? I mean, chasing the sun and thinking that Hobbits can grow wings isn't exactly what I call "brilliant". I'm surprised to hear that you like my version of Legolas though, the average response I got on him was "asshole" until your review. Everyone likes Elena though. There is no attraction between them, not that I know of anyway. I killed the PlotBunnies just to be safe. The whole idea was to make them hate each other for all eternity. Well, I kept writing, thanks for your nice review! Lots of love, peace and paperclips, Elvea.  
  
WinterRose: Thanks for reviewing, here's your chapter. Hope you don't hate me for taking so long. Ugh. I'm tired. I know, doesn't have anything to do with this at all, but no matter, I say it anyway =P. well, I really have to cut it off now, my test week starts tomorrow and I can't afford to fuck up geology. I hope you still enjoy this. Goodnight with greets, hugs and other such things from me. 


	6. Legolas's Ordeal

IOHITF - WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!  
  
E/N: Okay, finally decided to update again, considering the fact that my email got bombed with threats and such, and since my evil mastermind came up with several evil plans to make Legolas suffer some more. But first, an IMPORTANT NOTE: I've had requests for Legolas-Elena romance. I'd like to remind you that the whole idea was not to make them fall in love. I have, however, considered it and spoken to my beta about it. The problem is, I have already figured the plot out, and I don't know how to make Legomance with Elena fit in. My beta and I agree that there should be romance in some way, but whether that will be Legolas or not is still very uncertain. I ask your patience and understanding for this, and I do hope that you won't kill me for my final decision. Thanks for listening (or actually, reading),  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip (very useful items, those paperclips),  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
PS: To clear up some confusion... Elena is not me, I am not her. She's simply an OC.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Michael, because he got me the idea of Legolas's "formula" on why Elena is evil. The formula was his idea, and he kindly allowed me to borrow it for my story. So a big thank you to Michael, along with the honor of being named and recognized by my readers. He deserves applause!!! Also dedicated to Suzi, who helped me with the idea of Elena's vengeance.  
  
WARNING: This chapter contains some rather violent use of language!  
  
" 'Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum- ishi krimpatul.'  
  
The change in the wizard's voice was astounding. Suddenly it became menacing, powerful, harsh as stone. A shadow seemed to pass over the high sun, and the porch for a moment grew dark. All trembled, and the Elves stopped their ears." (the Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 2 - chapter 2; The Council of Elrond)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
Chapter 5 - Legolas's ordeal  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
I watched Anor rise in the East. Within an hour or so She would rise high enough to warm the world and illuminate it fully. That also meant that Elena would wake up somewhere about an hour from now. I glanced sideways at her. Hadn't I known better I'd say she was dead, but she's just a tight sleeper, which was certainly an advantage for me, seeing as it helped me get my vengeance.  
  
I got up from where I lay and walked to Melda. He was also still asleep, and from experience I knew that it wasn't safe to wake him up, unless you have a death wish. I'd been living of lembas the last two weeks, and to be honest the waybread was starting to get stuck in my throat. In other words: I was getting sick and tired of it. But no longer, for the forest was near, which meant that I could go hunting for food again. After Melda wakes up, that is. I got my pack and sat down, searching through its contents. It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for: my hairbrush and mirror. I put the items on top of the other things and closed my pack again.  
  
The next hour I spent thinking about my plan, and the longer I thought about it, the more it seemed to be a bad idea. With Elena you could never be sure how she would respond, and a thing like this just might be enough reason for her to make sure that you have no longer a good reason to call yourself a member of male society. I was in serious trouble, but there was no way back now. The best thing to do was simply to go through with my plan.  
  
A yawn behind me notified me that Elena was waking up. I took a deep breath. Showtime. As I turned to face my doom also known as Elena, she started her morning ritual. Stretching her limbs, yawning, glaring at me, laying back down, rolling over, glaring at me again, yawning again... nothing special. Then she sat up.  
  
'What, Elf?' she said.  
  
'Nothing... I was just thinking-'  
  
'And of course you seldom do that so you thought you'd warn me...' I suppressed my urge to glare. Instead I turned around and sat down. 'Hey Legolas...'  
  
'What?'  
  
'Do you think I have weird hair?' she asked. I swallowed, but didn't turn my head. Had she seen her hair yet? Was she plotting against me somehow? For the love of Eärendil! Listen to that! I am no coward! In fact, I don't think she's seen it. I didn't hear a deafening scream yet. This actually comes in really handy...  
  
'No, of course not. But if you want to borrow my hairbrush and mirror...'  
  
'You brought a mirror too?' she asked disbelievingly.  
  
'Uh, yeah...'  
  
'Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt...' she answered. I am so dead. Why oh why did I ever even consider this... this... SUICIDE!!! 'Hello? Middle- earth to Elfie... are you still going to give me that prissy mirror thing of yours?' I could hear she was impatient. I'd probably be best off giving her the items now, before her mood got worse. Because if it was already very bad, she would be even more painfully lethal than she'd be anyway. Seeing as I don't want to suffer too much, this is the only option. It's a good thing that Elves return from death or I'd be in serious trouble... still... I got the mirror and the brush, then handed them to her, making sure she didn't see herself right away.  
  
'Here you go'  
  
'Thanks... sort of... I guess...' she took the items from me. Inconspicuously I backed a bit away, wanting to be at a safe distance from her, but on the other hand also wanting to see the look on her face when she discovered what had happened to her hair.  
  
She brought the brush to her hair -so silly, everybody knows that you shouldn't brush your hair when you've got curls; it ruins them! Humans... - and held up the mirror. Her face turned pale and her mouth slowly opened. Her eyes nearly bulged out of her head. She blinked a couple of times, hoping, of course, that it wasn't real. I tried not to grin, but it was quite hard not to do so. That's when realization struck her.  
  
'YOU JERK! YOU UNBELIEVABLY EVIL BASTARD! YOU COMPLETELY INCOMPOTENT SON OF A BITCH!!!' she flung the mirror at me, but I ducked. 'YOU LAMEST OF LAME EXCUSES FOR AN ELF! YOU SADISTIC ASSHOLE...'  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
Somebody is going to die. Somebody who has millions of fan girls at home (a clear piece of evidence that love is blind). Somebody that acts so gay-like that it makes Jack from Will and Grace look positively masculine. Somebody with such an annoyingly arrogant face. Somebody who happens to be a prince with frustratingly perfect hair and who has fucked up mine until the colors have grown out, IF they even grow out. That somebody goes by the name of Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
I had been living seven days with this obscenely ridiculous excuse for hair, or rather its color. Colors. Damned Elf. We'd ridden northward in that time, just outside of the forest. All that time I hadn't exchanged a single word with him. No, not a single word at all. Instead, I had been plotting his demise. He would pay, and dearly. Screw Gandhi, Legolas will not get away with this. The problem was, I had no idea how to get him back. Sure, in the fanfic it's easy. The chic simply cuts his hair off in vengeance. Yeah right, like that's ever gonna happen in real life. No, that only happens in the fanfic. I mean, be real. He is way too strong for me, so I can't hold him at daytime and do it. Then there's the fact that he sleeps with his eyes open and knows about all that goes on. No way you could achieve such a thing, unless you're some all-powerful wizard or witch, neither of which applies to me. In other words: life sucks.  
  
I looked around. The late afternoon sun sent its last rays of light over the tops of the trees, causing them to cast long shadows eastward, and making the forest seem even darker. A ray of light reflected on the bowl of water in front of me, it broke into little specters showing little rainbows on the sides of the bowl, surrounding the seemingly orange surface of the water. The colors annoyed me. They reminded me of my hair, especially the violet of the specters. I grabbed the bowl and cast it away in frustration. Those specters weren't even supposed to be there! Water in a bowl doesn't break light like that! Legolas snickered. Of course, the stupid Elf with his stupid magic, who else? Even more annoying than the Elf himself was the sunlight coming from behind him. The light made his golden hair shine as if it was a waterfall of gold, and, seeing as he had the pale skin, ironically enough he looked like a bloody saint.  
  
'Scheveningen' I said.  
  
'What did you say?'  
  
'You heard me Scheveningen'  
  
'You're flaming me in your own language, aren't you?'  
  
'Maybe I am, maybe I'm not... you'll never find out...' all he did was shrug, then he got up and took off his tunic, leaving that silly silver- like prissy shirt thing on. So it was that time again. He would bathe somewhere in a forest stream nearby and leave me with that aggressive horse of his. Yeah, you heard me, aggressive. I'd tried to run away a couple of days ago in a flash of insanity when Legolas was also away. Never again! My butt still hurts.  
  
Legolas got a small bag from his pack, the mysterious bag he always took with him, and then he left. Well, maybe not all that mysterious... but you know, it's not like they have toothbrushes in Middle-earth. right? Or do they? I sighed. That Elf had the tendency to stay away for ages, leaving me to collect firewood from nearby places, in the meantime guarded by his evil killer horse of hell. Typically him to make me do all the work. All he did was shoot harmless little bunny rabbits and such. Stupid Elf.  
  
I got up and started throwing some branches on a heap, in the meantime it was getting darker. I had to hurry, or I wouldn't be able to see what I was setting on fire. As the sun sank a little lower, something caught my eye. A small plant was taking its final dose of sunlight for the day, all alone and not far from me; barely outside the forest. A ray of light forced its way through the treetops of the forest, making it seem as if the plant was a light source of its own... almost as if it was a gift of heaven. Halleluiah. I walked to the plant, and grinned. It really was a gift. It was one of those bur-plants, with those irritating burs that get stuck in your hair and never come out without you losing hair.  
  
A grin crept up my face again, wider than the previous and probably evil as could be. The link was easily made. Legolas. Proud. Vengeance. His hair. This plant... bye-bye annoyingly perfect hair of Legolas... but it would only work if I played it smart. Now how could I get these things in his hair... it would be fun if he did the damage himself somehow... a brilliant plan practically floated into my mind. I picked as much burs as I could, careful so as not to get them stuck on my clothes or in my own hair. When I really couldn't carry any more burs, I went back as fast as I could and walked to his tunic. He felt safe, he felt secure enough to think it was safe to leave his tunic here instead of keeping it on till he got to wherever he went, supposing that I didn't form any threat, that I couldn't use his tunic as a weapon anyway. But I could. Hell yeah, I could.  
  
A movement from the forest startled me. I spun around to see what it was. A small creature was sitting in the shadow of the forest, a squirrel of some kind, pitch-black, but with almost radiant blue eyes. A chill went down my spine, those eyes went right through me, I almost believed that the creature knew everything about me. I blinked, it was gone. I turned back to the task at hand; it had to be done before Legolas returned. I knelt down and lay the burs down beside me. Carefully I started putting them inside his tunic, in various places so that when he pulled it over his head, they'd get all over his hair. I knew from experience that this would work, a little too well even. Cross as I had been with him for doing it to me, I'm gonna thank Jason if I ever get home.  
  
When I had put all the burs in the tunic it was already dark. I tried to make a fire, but it didn't really go very well. I was still trying to get the fire burning when Legolas returned. He put the MSB (Mysterious Small Bag) back in his pack, then absentmindedly picked up his tunic and pulled it over his head. He let out a rather girly yelp as he felt the burs attacking his hair (and, possibly, his face). I nearly fell backwards when his head came out of the tunic, but managed to hold back my laughter. He had this look of pure rage in his eyes, his upper lip was trembling with anger, his face was red of fury, but the best part was the state of his hair, or should I say, what was left of it.  
  
The burs were stuck in his hair, causing huge tangles. By pulling the tunic over his head and back, Legolas had only made it worse, which meant that there wasn't a single hair not attached to a bur. One of the burs was hanging somewhat in his ear, but he was too angry to even notice. It looked ridiculous. In blind rage Legolas tried to pull the burs out of his hair, but it was useless. Instead of getting out of his hair, the burs only attached more. When Legolas finally gave up, his hair had transformed from -once- tangle free, long and straight to frizzy with burs decorated afro- style. This did it; I lost control and started laughing. Legolas looking Afro was just too much.  
  
'So you think this is funny' poison dripped from Legolas's words.  
  
'An eye for an eye Elf-boy... or actually... a hair for a hair!' I laughed. I was rolling on the floor now, unable to stop, tears running down my face. Even without looking at him, I knew he was glaring at me, stretching and bending his fingers as if to get ready for a fight. I still continued laughing.  
  
'This isn't over yet' Legolas said after a while. I sat back up and wiped some tears away, gasping for air. I haven't laughed this hard since Jason and I- never mind, maybe some other time. I watched Legolas as he drew one of his knives, not even once glancing in my direction. He looked at the knife in his hands, turned it around a couple of times, as if thinking about something. He almost put it back, but changed his mind. He took a deep breath and raised the knife a bit. His hand stopped, but then doubtingly went up higher. His other hand grabbed for his hair, forcefully pulling it down a bit. He brought the knife to his hair, stopped, and took another deep breath. He swallowed, then determinedly started cutting it off.  
  
~*~  
  
'Is that the Old Forest Road?' I looked at, what once had been, a broad road made of some kind of strange-looking bricks, almost completely overgrown with trees and plants of which scientists at home probably have never even heard of. Two days ago we'd run into the River Running (or Celduin, as Elf-boy calls it) and since then I had enjoyed the pleasure of taking daily baths with Legolas nowhere near me. That his evil killer horse from hell guarded me couldn't spoil the fun.  
  
'What's left of it' Legolas said with a sneer. I looked at him. It was now six days since he had cut off his hair, which meant that he had had short hair for six days now. Short hair, or actually, spikes. Yes, spikes. Even though the thought alone still seemed ridiculous to me, Legolas had made gel from plants and used it for his hair. I recalled something my history- teacher once told me, about the Scottish people having some kind of gel too all the way back when the Roman Empire was at its glory-days. Their gel was so tough in fact, that they could spear an apple on their spikes. But still, the thought of gel in Middle-earth was slightly distressing.  
  
This wasn't my worst problem though. Not even getting home somehow, or staying alive until we reached Rivendell was a big problem anymore. No, the problem was that I was beginning to find Legolas with spikes disturbingly attractive. Physically, that is. And being physically attracted to your arch-nemesis is not a good thing, AT ALL! Thank God he didn't know, that would mean only more suffering. I slept badly because of this problem. Thoughts haunted me about that evening when I was PMS-ing. What if I'd drunk more of that tea? What if the effect had been stronger? What if it wasn't really the tea that had made me do it? OH NO!!! DEAR ERU, NO!!! I'm sticking to my theory: somebody up there seriously hates me.  
  
'So are we going to enter the bloody forest now?' I asked.  
  
'No'  
  
'What?! Why not?'  
  
'For starters, this road is almost impossible. Even if we were to take it, it'd prove a lot of trouble because this road is not protected by magic, and that means that we're taking the chance of getting attacked by spiders' Legolas made a nice little summary. I mock-mouthed his words as he was speaking. The stupid Elf was continuously thinking of more detours. Bloody sadist.  
  
'So where are we going then?'  
  
'The Long Lake, and from there on to the halls of my father. I haven't seen him or my other relatives in years, and I'd like to have some decent company for a change' I ignored his insult and sighed.  
  
'How long will that take?'  
  
'From here to my father? Roughly six days, if we aren't delayed somehow' he glanced at me. I glared at him.  
  
'Like I'd deliberately make this journey with you even longer! I wish this whole thing could've been done in two days instead of two months. I'd rather spend this time being tormented by orcs than to be stuck with you'  
  
'Then at least at one point we agree'  
  
~*~  
  
It was still the same day, but now evening, and we'd made camp a couple of miles north of the Old Forest Road, in the forest. We were forced to go through it to get to the Long Lake, unless we were willing to take another detour of a week or so. Luckily this part of the forest wasn't all that dark (though still darker than anything I could recall from home), and the trees were at an acceptable distance from each other. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Celduin flowed through this part of the forest. Neh.  
  
I looked around. The small fire Legolas had made illuminated only those things in a range of roughly ten meters; out of that circle the darkness of the forest consumed all light. A chill ran down my spine, it was so silent... even the fire didn't seem to make no sounds. The trees ominously loomed up around me like tall, dark creatures of shadow. Huorns... no, not in Mirkwood. Silly bint. A twig snapped somewhere behind me. I screamed and jumped up, nearly falling over as I spun around.  
  
Legolas was standing at the edge of light and darkness, and in the faint light I couldn't be sure whether or not he was smirking. He probably was. He caused the sudden noise, Elves usually don't make a sound. Their stupid sensitive ears probably couldn't bear the noise otherwise or something similarly silly. Just like at the Council of Elrond, they went all prissy about their moronic pointy ears simply because Gandalf uttered a bit of Black Speech. Honestly.  
  
I got another idea of getting even with Legolas for the prank he'd pulled this time.  
  
'I'm glad you're back' I smiled sweetly. 'I just thought of a poem I want you to hear...'  
  
He sighed, then glared at me. 'I hope for your sake that it doesn't involve the word "hair"...'  
  
'Oh, don't worry, I promise it doesn't have anything to do with hair in any way'  
  
'But then again, a promise coming from you isn't very trustworthy'  
  
'I always keep my word. I just manage to find the back door every time' I grinned.  
  
'Get the bloody poem over with' Legolas took a step in my direction, as if to warn me.  
  
'Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum- ishi krimpatul' I whispered. I don't know how, but as if by magic my voice turned abominable, threatening, harsh... every word I said came out as a menacing hiss. Horrified by the words I spoke, as I spoke them, Legolas sank to the forest floor, covering his ears and squirming in pain, closing his eyes. When I stopped speaking, he let out a sigh of relief and opened his eyes, then removed his hands from his ears. He furiously looked at me -a look of pure hate- and opened his mouth to speak. I was faster.  
  
'That wasn't nice of you at all' I pouted my lip in mockery. 'You didn't even hear what I said... now I have to say it again...' his eyes widened. 'Ash nazg durbatulûk...' I started. Legolas cried in pain and covered his ears again. I walked to him, grabbed his hands and pulled them away. 'You're not being polite Legsie... just listen... ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg-' suddenly Legolas leaped up, causing me to lose balance. In that one lousy second, things had turned one hundred and eighty degrees. It was me on the floor now and him holding my wrists tightly. He looked at me loathingly.  
  
'You've just proven what I suspected all along, you disgrace to the race of Men! You are no more than a disgusting little orc, a vile creature, barely even worthy of being slain, simply a nuisance nobody should waste their time on' he said in disdain. I glared at him.  
  
'Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!' I screamed, finishing my phrase. Legolas cried out and let go of my wrists to cover his ears. I took advantage of the moment and jumped up, then took a safe distance from him and sat down again, whistling softly to myself. 'I'm not an orc Legging- las, I just speak some foreign languages. I'd be careful with what you say if I were you. I understand more than you think' he didn't reply.  
  
'A tiro nin, Fanuilos' he whispered to himself instead.  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
Why me? It was the only thing I could come up with. Why oh why did I, of all people in this world, have to get stuck with Elena? And this new name for me... Legsie... horrible! Just when you think you are safe she pulls a new surprise from her sleeve. So she speaks Black Speech... but that's impossible! How can she know a language from this world if she isn't from this world?! There's just something not right about her... a lot of things, actually. But what was she hiding, and, more important; what was she up to now? Maybe she thought I didn't notice in the darkness of the forest, but I had noticed her glancing at me an amount of times that was far from healthy. She'd continuously done this ever since we entered the forest two days ago. Maybe she was doing it on purpose, hoping that I'd notice and go crazy wondering what she was up to, just like I was doing right now. That's probably what she's up to. Yeah, that's gotta be it. Good thing we're nearing the end of the forest, then she'll probably stop it. I only have to keep my sanity for an hour. How hard can it be?  
  
~*~  
  
I will never ask such a question again. It's asking for trouble. I think she can read my mind, or guess my thoughts at any rate. Almost directly after I asked myself that one question, she'd sent me another one of *those* glances. It had been slightly longer than usual, and it had seemed to be lusty, even thought I couldn't be sure in the dimness of the forest. Anyway, I had leaped up a bit from Melda, and as if the Valar were playing along with Elena's game, there was a branch right above my head. Needless to say I fell off Melda. Ever since then I had been plotting vengeance. It didn't take long for me, genius as I am, to think of something.  
  
We'll get to the edge of the forest in a couple of minutes, and then it won't be long before we get to the Long Lake. Not more than a day anyway. East of it, around the Forest River, as you may or may not know, is quite swampy and nearly impossible to gallop through; resulting in having to go steady the first couple of miles unless you wished to fall off. The best way to ride through the region is to ride near the bank of the river, where no swamp-plants grow and your horse can't get stuck. Could circumstances be more perfect?  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I shuddered. We had left the forest yesterday and were now at the Long Lake, near the old Lake Town. It was as if a shadow hung over the lake, or at least a part of it. A feeling of dread crept into my veins and spread itself out. I knew what had happened here once, nearly a century ago. Smaug. My horse felt it too; it was as if he shuddered with every step he took, knowing that the spot was cursed. A chill wind made the grass rustle, then it died down and all was silent again, not even the horses' hooves could be heard. I had the strangest feeling of déjà-vu. This place was drenched with evil, and the fear in me grew with every breath I took.  
  
I looked at the lake. The water seemed to be pitch-black here, and fog seemed to cover part of the town. The shallows of the town still remained, and so did the bridge that led to the town, but only partly; for the shore- side of the bridge had been ruined. Of the town itself was practically nothing left. Here and there I could see parts of it, now and then stood half a wall of one of the houses, nothing more. Slowly the fog lifted, and the sunlight that now came through reflected on countless jewels that lay scattered about the town. I stopped my horse, as if hypnotized I had to watch. The fog lifted further, and slowly a shape amongst the ruins became visible. It was the shape of a huge creature, lying twisted on its back, but it did not move. The stench of the dragon-carcass lying rotting on the town entered my nose, a sickening scent that pierced everything. Still I kept looking; the jewels on the carcass glimmering in the late afternoon sun were breath-takingly beautiful. Not that I wanted to breathe, the air was terrible here. I held my breath as the last bit of fog cleared up and everything was revealed before me. The ruins of the town, the jewels falling from Smaug's dreaded bones... and Smaug himself, or rather; his remainders. He seemed too big to fit in one image. Smaug the Magnificent. My eyes traced up from the huge tail, to the belly, the chest, the neck and finally the skull. I screamed.  
  
Smaug's head lay turned in my direction, his dead eyes looking at me; a devilish grin was or seemed to be spread out over his jaws. As I looked at him, the head lifted, the carcass stirred and Smaug rolled his gigantic body around. He stood up, spread out his wings with a roar and rose from the ruins. As a vision from a nightmare he came flying towards me, setting all the land about me on fire. His jaws parted once again and in a dive he reached me, his jaws closed with a snap around me.  
  
'Elena, are you alright?' I gasped and turned to Legolas, blinking.  
  
'Uh, yeah, I- I'm fine...' I stuttered. I looked back at the lake. Smaug was still in his place, not having moved even a single inch. I didn't dare to look at his skull.  
  
'You looked at his head, didn't you?'  
  
'Maybe...'  
  
'Fool! Never look a creature of Morgoth in the eyes, not even when dead. Not all of their malice dies with them, and the spot where they die is forever accursed! We will leave at once, let this be a lesson for you'  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
Elena was riding close behind me, not knowing the way. She was visibly uncomfortable; the look on her face was clearly readable. She was still thinking about the incident with the dragon yesterday. I didn't know what she'd seen, but it must've been frightening, for she hadn't spoken a single word since then. We were now nearing the end of the marshland and the edge of the forest, the border of my father's realm. Ever so often she'd let out a frustrated cry when another mosquito bit her, and then she would glare at me. Anything better than *those* glances. After the umpteenth glare I put my plan to action. I only had to whisper a single word and Elena's horse started galloping. Not counting on this sudden change the girl screamed, but couldn't keep her balance long and only moments after I'd whispered the word she lay in one of the swamp's many, many pools. I called her horse back and stopped Melda right beside her. I looked down on her.  
  
'I heard that mud baths are good for your skin'  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~  
  
E/N: Well, that's all folks! I hope you enjoyed this, let me know what you think of it! Oh and everybody, read my essay on Glorfindel! Yeah, I'm going now,  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip,  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
PS: Bormir the mini-Balrog is insulted that he's not in my story... sigh...  
  
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mwpp-lover: You reviewed just in time to make it into this chapter! Congrats! I hope you enjoyed the fast update (for you that is, the others had to wait ages *sigh*). Well, Legolas wasn't really angry in this chapter, but I'm sure that his ways of taking bengeance were enough for now. Next chapter will be quite long, because they're staying in Mirkwood for a while. I'm sure Elena will have plenty occasions to get Legsie-dear pissed. Well, got to go, still have to upload! Buh-bye!  
  
ola: |:o) you like the bickering! I hope you enjoyed Elena's vengeance. It was kinda hard to write, the images sometimes really got to me. That's why it took so long *sigh*. I need to get these updates more frequent. Damn school.  
  
Kittenwithclaws: Well, she didn't castrate him, but it got close. Imagine Elena flaming Legolas for hours, non-stop. *shudders* I'm glad I wasn't there. I think, personally, I'd rather have Smaug. Less dangerous. Besides, Smaug won't ruin my precious hair. Or maybe he will, by burning it... hmmm... that needs some considering. Bormir waves hi. He's giving you some hugs too. I'm giving you ointments against the burn.  
  
Summer Rose: Hate-love thing? More like a hate-hate thing. Your review scared me. I wrote this with the intention to keep them away from romance. And what do you ask for? Yes, that's right! Shame, shame... shame on you. Nah, just kidding. You'll have to wait for my final decision though, and because you and most of my readers are mortal I'll try to hurry with the next chap. (Can't promise anything, it seems school interferes every time that I make a promise)  
  
ElvenPickle: Thanks for the link! I love the site (especially the "what guys and broken skate boards have in common" thing. Brilliant! ), got more of those links for me? Keep them coming, they're inspiring. If you find a site with a list "100 ways to be a bitch" or something similar, tell me too. You never know if it comes in handy. Glad you think I'm doing good work. It's seriously stimulating (and a MAJOR boost for my ego, lol), although I wish it'd help me update faster. Maybe if I got 100 reviews on one chapter or something... yeah, like that's ever gonna happen. Well, like I said before, I'll try to update more frequently.  
  
Lady Eowyn: tsk, tsk... making noise in the Hall of Reviews... you're obviously not an Elf or a Hobbit... oh and be careful with the falling objects! They fall every time Elena or Legolas says something mean to each other. That's right, something always falls. Sigh... the Hall isn't what it used to be... the shampoo Leggy uses? No idea. Something Middle-earthish, most likely. MY hair isn't permanently colored, but that of Elena is. We are not the same, but no matter. About her hair: all will become clear next chapter. Blue hair is cool! A friend of mine had blue hair not long ago *coughEndomielcough* and my parents allowed me to dye it as well, but I haven't done so yet. I say: if you wanna dye it, just do it! (Nike) I'm sorry I didn't update sooner. I meant to but then there was school blabla same old same old. I started on your new story, but didn't finish reading yet, shame on me. Oh well, I guess that I'll just leave an extra long review then, not like you mind. BTW is your finger okay again? And what's up with the boy-scout thing? Never mind. Legolas is indeed evil. But not as evil as Endy, mind you. *Bormir roars* Oh and Bormir, of course. Oh, come to think of it, I said 'hi' to him. He roared, but that's just his standard. Anyway, I'm moving on to the next reviewer, stay out of accidents!  
  
PS: I wanted to let you lend Bormir from me, but I need him for the story. Feel free to borrow the Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom(tm) though.  
  
LBFREAK: the Elf has a lot more up his sleeves. He's nearly home and that means more trouble for Elena. Possibly also for Legolas, when the PlotBunnies (or Bormir) bless me with a brilliant idea. Sorry the update wasn't faster. But then again, define "soon". For an Elf a month waiting is still "soon". Ah crap! I'll try not to take too long. Why oh why do I have to write multiple fics at a time?  
  
Lossie Alqua: well, that was a clear review. You like my story! *does silly little happy dance* Yeah, I'm hyperactive. Bite me. Or are you a vampire? I hope not. Oh well, you can't bite a disembodied force of good anyway. Never mind me, it's evening: sugar high ahoy!  
  
Oasisrocker: heheh. The chapter was probably kinda evil. But then again, Legolas + Elena = trouble + evil lurking about. I'm so glad that I'm safe at home, away from those two and my evil mathematics teacher of hell. You sure have an interesting way of defining your mathematics-teacher's species... but I liked it! And don't worry about long reviews, those are my favs!  
  
Kat: I'm really happy about your review. Legolas-fans telling me that they like it when he gets mocked... that's just cool, you know? Makes me feel good. (I thought you people were gonna flame me to Angband, hence the very first E/N at chapter one) I'm also glad that you think I succeeded in not making this a story with the average Mary-Sue plotline. I'd shoot myself if the story ended up like that... unfortunately not much of the verbal thing in this chapter, but that'll get better again. This was the practical-joke chappie, those don't require much conversation. I hope you still liked it though, please tell me if you'd want to see another practical joke chapter (I have ideas, I just need opinions). *giggles* those thoughts of Legolas were so much fun to write... I think that was the hardest scene of the whole story, so I'm glad you enjoyed it. (I'm glad about a lot of things, aren't I?) Thank God you're not suggesting a love-relationship between Legolas and Elena, I have enough of those. Your opinion probably comes closest to the original idea. But I'm not sure if mutual annoyance is strong enough though. I'll just wait and see what happens. Oh and do you think I took too long with the update? Please be honest about it, I'll try to be faster if you think I took too long.  
  
The Dishwasher: thank Michael for the Elena = evil thing. He was the mastermind behind it. But I guess you also like the rest of the story so that's okay with me. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
flutterby: *blushes* you really think that much of this story? Thanks! But those two things... they're called open spaces (yeah, I pay attention during literature). Sometimes the author fills them in, sometimes the author doesn't. Filling in an open space may even take the entire story (for example a detective: someone got murdered, who did it?). You don't have to wait that long though. #1 this is part of the main plot line, you'll find out, just be patient. #2 Please don't tell me you think Legolas is in love with Elena too! *starts ripping hair out* Help! Ugh, I'm torn between reviewers. I'll think of something. In the meantime, be patient! Thanks for the review!  
  
Jazz: creepy, that thing with those friends of yours! You're welcome with the comment, I like doing this. It's my favorite part of the chapter most of the times (don't mind me, my ego went skyrocketing ever since I posted this story). I hope you liked the new quote, if you have a suggestion for a quote, you're always welcome. I'll see if I can work it in somehow. Legolas and Elena have indeed been bad little kiddies. But spanking? When I think of spanking and those two I get all the wrong images... *shrugs off disturbing mental images* Glad you liked the PMS, my beta was partly to blame, she wanted me to make PMS extra bad. *winks at Eva* You'll be seeing more PMS, they're nowhere near Rivendell. Sigh... yeah, he wants attention. Again. Michael is so proud of himself now; he made it into a story with his logic. Yeah, he really thinks like that. Scary, isn't it? And thank you for saying that talent-thing, it was so sweet! *leaves to find medicines against Legolas's Big Ego Syndrome*  
  
Yavanna: well, Leggy's still alive, but that doesn't have to last long... *laughs evilly* Yeah, I'm having one of my insane days again. You're welcome, I enjoy writing this, so don't worry about me stopping any time soon. Unless you think that's a bad thing... hmmm... nah.  
  
Black Pearl: No hair dye, but lots of burs... did you like it? *visualizes Afro-Legolas and falls of her chair laughing* Ouch... I really shouldn't do that... oh well.  
  
Phoenix Flight: crazy story by a crazy author... I think you're right... they probably will be unrecognizable when they get to Rivendell... I wonder if Legolas with blue hair looks funny... *considers the idea* I just don't know how to work it in yet. Oh well. Did you like the new "hair-episode"?  
  
WinterRose: I did well on my test, if you're interested. Unfortunately I took ages to update. Ugh. Hope you still found it worth waiting for; I'm glad you love it so far. Bormir gives you a hug. Did he burn you badly? I hope not. And please don't sue me for possible third degree burns, ok? I'm busy enough as it is... (Writing, school, sports... the whole nine yards)  
  
zurizip: Cute? Do you mean the characters, or the story, or the jokes, or something else? Or maybe everything? I suppose it's a compliment, so thanks. Interesting review...  
  
tiagreystorm: threatening my PlotBunnies doesn't really help. They're more of a nuisance anyway. Shooting them may still help though, that way they can't bother me with silly ideas. Happy that you love the story.  
  
ithinkineedanewname: don't feel sorry for Legolas, he is one hell of a bad boy (and that's a good thing, right?). Besides, after next chapter you'll probably hate him. If I write it the way I want it, that is. Did you like Elena's vengeance? *evil laughter* The spikes were Endy's idea. *glares at Endy* did you know she went on for ages on how cool it would look? Oh well, I guess in the end it was a good thing. Sigh.  
  
lil' odd me: I finally updated. I'll keep you informed about your role in Highschool, but you'll have to be patient. Endy has to update first and as we know from experience she can take ages. I'll try to update this one as much as possible though. 


	7. Wood elves and Wine

IOHITF - WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!  
  
E/N: Yes, I'm back. Sorry, again, for taking so long. My computer hates me, I swear it does. I had about half the chapter done when my file disappeared. Whether I have a virus, accidentally deleted it or one of my siblings deleted it I don't know, but I had to start all over. Frustrating when you try to keep a promise and then the world around you doesn't co- operate... anyway, I got to writing and have now finished the chapter so I hope it was worth waiting for. And yes, I did solve the problem concerning the whole romance-thing. No Legomance. I already have a plot and I'm gonna stick to it. Sorry to those who would've liked it.  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip,  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to my two sisters, for stimulating me to write and helping me to a couple of ideas. I have discovered the use of siblings now... I knew they had to be good for something...  
  
Random insanity of the authoress: Never say "never say never", for by saying "never say never" one is already saying "never" twice in one sentence.  
  
"He followed the two elves, until they entered a small cellar and sat down at a table on which two large flagons were set. Soon they began to drink and laugh merrily. (...) It must be a potent wine to make a wood-elf drowsy; but this wine, it would seem, was the heady vintage of the great gardens of Dorwinion, not meant for his soldiers or his servants, but for the king's feasts only, and for smaller bowls not for the butler's great flagons." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 9 - Barrels Out Of Bond)  
  
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Chapter 6 - Wood-elves and Wine  
  
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~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
I hate Elves. Every single one of them. Mud bath, my ass. Puddle of icky- gooey stuff, more like. Filthy swamp water. I'm gonna kill him. I was covered in dirt and had no more spare clothes. Also, my fall had caused extra damage to my wound, which would've been healed for a day or so if it wasn't for that fucking sadist Legolas. I glared at him. Okay, so I didn't have an actual reason, so what? I mean, do you even need a reason to glare if you really hate a person? Isn't the hate in itself reason enough to glare?  
  
It had been a day's ride from the lake to the forest, meaning that we were about to enter it. Thank God it wasn't that dark on this side. I was still looking up to it though. This might sound stupid, but I get claustrophobic in total darkness. And it's not like I can tell Elf-boy. He'll just laugh at me because he's so bloody perfect and I'm not. He's all like "I'm the great almighty fearless Elf-prince, dread me". Fearless, yeah right. He has to be afraid of something... I bet it's something really silly. Like arachnophobia or something similarly stupid. Heh... spiders, that'd be cool.  
  
'Daro!' A movement on the road ahead of me drew my attention back to this world. At the edge of the forest stood a group of Elves, arrows notched to their bowstrings and ready to shoot us. Great. Just great. A group of hostile killer Elves from Mirkwood. Just what this day needed. Knowing Legolas, he'd probably get them to shoot me too. Yes please! At least I'll be rid of the Elf.  
  
I shuddered. The kind of shudder you get hen you feel someone staring intensely at you. I looked at the Elves again. It wasn't hard for me to find him. All of the Elves had blond hair, except for Mr. Stare. He was almost a clone of Legolas, but then with long, dark hair and brighter blue eyes. Geez, radio-active... I tried to look him in the eyes for a moment, but couldn't stand his piercing gaze and looked away.  
  
'Man ná elyë?' a tall, golden-haired Elf demanded as he stepped forward. Apparently he was the leader. He let his bow down, but kept the arrow to the string. His green eyes fell on me. I shifted uncomfortably.  
  
'Im Legolas, ernil Eryn Lasgalen a ion e Thranduil' Legolas answered. The Elves started laughing.  
  
'Legolas Thranduilion? Úquétima!' the leader decided.  
  
'Im Legolas Thranduilion!' Legolas exclaimed, 'Hîr lín!'  
  
'A im Eru Ilúvatar' one of the Elves replied. The Elves started laughing again. Legolas was losing his patience now, I could tell from experience. And Angry Legolas is not pretty. Sexy, but not pretty. Did I say sexy? This is getting so bad... nu-uh, not good at all. Come on! I just said that my arch-nemesis is sexy. How bad can things get?  
  
'Hin ná beth nín vedui len' Legolas said dangerously calm. 'Im Legolas Beleg Thranduilion, ernil Eryn Lasgalen a im daritha an úner' the sound of his voice was impressive to say the least. The Elves looked at him in shock, looked closer and apparently recognized him because they bowed low and made way.  
  
'Mae govannen, ernil Legolas' the leader said. 'Man ná híril?' he nodded in my direction.  
  
'Ú ná híril. Ná 'rach.' Legolas answered. Call me a curse, he'll regret that.  
  
' 'Rach?' the leader asked.  
  
' 'Rach a del' Legolas stated. The leader grinned and turned to me.  
  
'Mae govannen' he said.  
  
'Ú mae govannen, edhel nibin' I replied. Legolas looked at me in amazement.  
  
'You speak Sindarin?' he asked disbelievingly.  
  
'Yes. I do.'  
  
'A tiro men, Fanuilos' one of the Elves whispered.  
  
~*~  
  
We were now riding alongside the river, accompanied by the Elves. Legolas was continuously talking to them in Sindarin and I was only able to understand flashes of their conversation. None of them paid attention to me. I sighed. Could things get more boring?  
  
At least the trees don't grow too close to each other in this part of the forest. I can actually see the sky through the treetops, and even better above the river. The silvery light of the stars mirrored in the water and left a magical impression, the forest almost seemed nice to me.  
  
Without me noticing, we rode into a small village. I didn't even see the houses until we halted our horses. They weren't very big and almost hidden between the trees, you didn't see them unless you knew they were there; and even then you had to look closely. It was pure coincidence that I discovered them; and Elf happened to come walking through some kind of door when I looked in that general direction.  
  
'We will rest here tonight. Tomorrow we will ride on to the halls of my father' Legolas said. I shrugged.  
  
'Fine, whatever'  
  
There's not much to tell about the night we spent in the village. It turned out to be an elven village under the rule of Thranduil, and the empty barrels of wine he used to send to Lake Town came through this village; which reminded me of the Hobbit. All there is to tell is that the Elves made a big banquet for their prince and I got a good share. Then they locked me in on of the houses and God (or Eru, or the Valar; whatever) knows how they've been partying through the night. Do you have any idea how much noise can come from an elven party? No. And trust me, you don't want to know either. Damn Elves.  
  
The next morning we set out early, in the company of a large group of Elves. Most of them didn't pay attention to me, and of those who did; I wished they didn't. They glanced quickly at my hair, giggled, glanced quickly again, snickered and then laughed until they nearly fell off their horses. After three cases the other Elves didn't even look up to see what was going on anymore. Why don't they just shoot me now and spare me the humiliation? Oh wait, I forgot. This is Middle-earth; designed for tormenting me.  
  
~*~ Thranduil's POV ~*~  
  
News had come to me late last night of the unexpected arrival of my son. Although it came as a complete surprise I was as happy as any father could be; after years of short letters my son was finally coming back home! I had made sure his quarters were in perfect state and was now eagerly and, dare I admit it, impatiently waiting for him to come home. Any moment now he could be here.  
  
Trumpets announced his arrival. Moments later Galion entered the room, put down a tray with wine and glasses on a side-table and left again. Then a herald entered, but impatient as I was I dismissed him and looked at the door expectantly. What entered the room utterly shocked me and my mouth fell wide open in amazement; for the most... colorful couple just entered the guestroom. The first of the two was, no doubt, my son. I could see it by the look in his eyes, the contours of his face, by the way he walked... everything. Except that his hair was missing. The second person, no less in stature than Legolas, was a mortal girl and still very young. However, she was clad in things fit for an Elf; the clothes now more than usual stained from a long journey. She had an intelligent yet somewhat hostile look in her eyes, which, apart from the hostility, could've been taken from a deer. But her hair... by the Light of the Trees, never had I seen such hair before! Curly, to her shoulders and in multiple colors from green to pink and from purple to blue and red. I blinked as the couple entered, speechless. Legolas placed his hand on his chest and bowed.  
  
'Mae govannen ada' he said.  
  
'Mae govannen, ion nin' I responded as I bowed to him. I looked at the girl and moved to bow, but Legolas stopped me.  
  
'She's but a prisoner' he said, loud enough for her to hear. She glared at him. I frowned.  
  
'Esserya?' I asked. Legolas snorted before answering.  
  
'Elena'  
  
Elena. The maiden of the stars. Apart from her hair and continuous death- stare towards my son she looked innocent and sweet enough. I wonder who gave her that name... Despite Legolas's protests I bowed to her.  
  
'Mae govannen, wendë elena' my son glared at me, the girl grinned amusedly.  
  
'What's wrong, Legging-las? Can't have it that someone treats me with actual respect?' she said. He shot her a hateful look.  
  
'Doesn't my son treat you with respect then?' I asked.  
  
'Would I be walking around with fin-ninniach if he did?' she countered. I raised an eyebrow, but didn't respond to that.  
  
'Tell me all about your journey' I gestured for them to sit down and poured wine into the glasses. There were three. Galion had known of the girl, then. She carefully took a sip, as did Legolas, only less careful.  
  
'Dorwinion wine' he stated approvingly.  
  
'Thank you, Captain Obvious' wendë-elena replied as she rolled her eyes.  
  
'You be silent, wendë en fin-ninniach' Legolas glared at her. I sighed. This could be a long night. I'd better tell Galion to bring more wine if I don't want the hostile behavior to get worse...  
  
~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~  
  
I glared at Elena. Trust her to take away all the joy of drinking Dorwinion wine. She doesn't even deserve it; she couldn't possibly enjoy it. She took a second sip, then emptied her glass all at once. She pouted as she now had nothing left. See? I told you she doesn't know how to enjoy a good wine!  
  
Galion walked into the room, exchanged a few words with father and then left. A silence fell. Elena shifted in her chair. I studied father's face as he looked at her. Curiosity, wondering... bemused in his own way. I could see the questions in his eyes; where did she come from? What was her crime? And: what in Manwë's name happened to her hair?  
  
'Well, wendë elena, I'm interested in your story' father said. What about *me*? Elena shot me a triumphant look, just before Galion re-entered with more wine. He refilled her cup and retired in a corner to wait until one of our cups was empty. Elena took a sip of wine and started telling of our journey, answering father's questions when he asked them. Occasionally I interrupted when she forgot things or when things became too embarrassing for me. Whenever I did that, she took a couple of sips of her wine.  
  
When she was finished telling, father asked me some questions. Elena stood up and walked to the door. I wanted to call her back, but father stopped me. With a simple hand-gesture he dismissed Galion, and in a split-second the both of them were gone.  
  
'I wish for a private word with you, ion nin'  
  
'But father! What about Elena?! She's-'  
  
'Not as dangerous as you say she is, and a bit wronged, in my opinion. I think you should give her a chance'  
  
'By the Valar! Not another one! Father, you sound like Aragorn!'  
  
'Of course. Both of us are kings. We think beyond our feelings alone'  
  
'She's a threat to this kingdom. She must be locked in the deepest, darkest dungeon and be fed only dry bred and water!'  
  
'Have I taught you nothing?! Treat your prisoners good, all of them! Only the foulest of foul creatures should get that treatment, or be slain if need forces to'  
  
'She should be slain, then?'  
  
'She will get the best rooms in the guest wing'  
  
'Rooms? Plural? The GUEST wing?'  
  
'Nothing wrong with your ears...' After hearing Elena do Black Speech? I doubt it. 'There is a feast tomorrow, and she will get proper clothes for the occasion and the rest of her stay. After all, she is an honored guest...'  
  
'But father-'  
  
'Furthermore, she will get instructions in battle-skills, for the wood is perilous and you were unable to defend her well on your last encounter with orcs'  
  
'Father!'  
  
'Back to tomorrows feast. I suppose you will be her companion for the evening?'  
  
Kill me now, Morgoth, and make it swift.  
  
~*~ Thranduil's POV ~*~  
  
I had him cornered now. He deserved a mild punishment for his unjust behavior. Treating wendë elena as a guest would help, but wasn't enough of a punishment.  
  
'Oh no. No way. Absolutely not. I will not accompany her. Not *her*. Elena, of all people!'  
  
'She doesn't know anyone else here in Mirkwood, except for you. You brought her here, you accompany her. I do not wish to be disappointed in you.'  
  
'You win, father. I will accompany her'  
  
'Which reminds me; how long will you be staying?'  
  
'Three days'  
  
'Three days? You must stay longer. At least a month'  
  
'That will be too much of a delay'  
  
'I haven't seen you in years. I need at least two weeks to hear and tell of all events'  
  
'Fine. Two weeks from now. But not a day longer'  
  
~*~ Galion's POV ~*~  
  
I followed the girl as she left the king and the prince. The look on my liege's face had been enough to tell me to keep an eye on her. Which made good sense seeing as she had drunk five glasses of the heady Dorwinion wine. She wandered through the hallways, obviously without a clue where she was headed and that she was being followed. Suddenly she stopped. I his behind a pillar, carefully watching her. She looked around; lost. It made perfect sense, the royal wing was a maze to strangers. It was a miracle that she found it in the first place. She said some things in a language I don't understand nor do I wish to; it sounded rather nasty. She didn't seem to know what she was doing there either. Obviously drunk.  
  
'Can I help you?' the girl turned around and looked at the prince.  
  
'Yes' she answered. Silence fell.  
  
'With what can I help you?' the prince asked.  
  
'I think I'm lost' she looked as if she was about to faint.  
  
'Where do you want to go? Where is your room?'  
  
'I don't know. I... don't... think I have a room...'  
  
'Are you alright?'  
  
'Yes, yes, I'm fine. I think.' She fell forward, but the prince caught her.  
  
'Are you sure?' he looked down at the girl that was now in his arms. She focused her eyes on him, as if she couldn't see clearly.  
  
'I think that...' the girl whispered.  
  
'Yes?' the prince lowered his head as if to hear her better, even though it wasn't necessary.  
  
'I think that maybe I'm going to kiss you' she said. The prince grinned amusedly; he didn't seem too sober either, though more conscious of what he was doing.  
  
'Oh really?'  
  
'I think so'  
  
'Maybe you should get some sleep'  
  
'No'  
  
'I think you should'  
  
'Will you tuck me in?'  
  
'Sure'  
  
'And I want a kiss goodnight' she said triumphantly. The prince smiled.  
  
'Any other wishes?' he joked. The girl nodded, then suddenly pulled the prince's head down and kissed him. I blinked. That was fast... I blinked again. The prince was kissing her back. He was kissing a girl with fin- ninniach... well I guess there's no arguing about taste...  
  
Hey, where'd they go?  
  
~*~ Elena's POV ~*~  
  
Imagine waking up without opening your eyes, feeling better than ever. Imagine your head and hand lying on a muscular chest. Imagine the entire body being well in shape, and yourself lying against it. Imagine one of his hands on your waist, the other going slowly through your hair. Imagine knowing that neither of you is wearing anything. Imagine his lips meeting yours and kissing him blindly, not once opening your eyes but simply enjoying the situation. Imagine drawing back, opening your eyes and screaming in terror. That's right; you're looking in the face of Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
In a split second I sat up straight and wrapped the sheets around me, clutching to them as if it was my dear life. I looked at him and his amused grin, then blinked. He was still there. Butt-naked. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. Literally. Shut up, bitch. Yeah, whatever. Confused now...  
  
Just then the door went open and Legolas walked in. I looked at him and blinked. Was this some kind of hangover side effect? Then I blinked again. He didn't disappear. That's when it dawned me.  
  
'Holy shit! There's two of you!' I exclaimed. The Legolas in the doorway stared at us (his eyes almost bulging out) with wide-open mouth.  
  
'YOU!' he pointed his finger at me in accusation, his eyes still open wide. 'YOU!' he now pointed his finger at -who the hell was he anyway?- Legolas #2 on the bed, even more accusing than he had done before. It was clear that he was confused. Join the club, boy. Suddenly he turned around and left the room, closing the door behind him. I blinked. Okay... I turned to Legolas #2, and realized that he couldn't be Legolas. He still had hair. Suddenly he stuck out his hand.  
  
'Tinwë, pleasure to meet you' he said. Confusedly I took it and we shook hands.  
  
'Uh, yeah... pleasure to meet you too... I guess...' Tinwë grinned a damn sexy grin that made his eyes twinkle. 'Listen, uhm, Tinwë. Can I ask you a question?'  
  
'Sure, go ahead'  
  
'Who the hell are you?'  
  
He grinned again. Must be the reason why I gave in to him and/or jumped him last night. Can't seem to remember which.  
  
'I'm my father's second son'  
  
'Very funny, Elf. Then who is your father?'  
  
'King Thranduil, of course'  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Beat.  
  
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E/N: Sooooooo... how'd you guys like Legolas's reaction to finding Elena with Tinwë? Well, I hope you liked it. Sort of a cliffhanger, but the next chapter is almost done, so it's not all that evil. Next chapter will be, though. *insert evil laughter here* Uh, yeah... whatever. Oh yeah, I forgot: I WAS BORN ON THE SAME DAY AS ELIJAH WOOD AND HE'S A CUTIE!!! Sorry. Had to get it out of my system.  
  
Love, peace and a paperclip,  
  
-xxx- Elvea  
  
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Elvea's Elvish Helpdesk. Sort of.  
  
Please note that these phrases took ages to get right. Hard work's been put into them, forgive me if a mistake is made in one or two places.  
  
Daro! - Stop!  
  
Man ná elyë? - Who are you?  
  
Im Legolas, ernil Eryn Lasgalen a ion e Thranduil - I am Legolas, prince of Mirkwood and son of Thranduil.  
  
Legolas Thranduilion? Úquétima! - Legolas son of Thranduil? Impossible!  
  
Im Legolas Thranduilion! Hîr lín! - I am Legolas son of Thranduil! Your lord!  
  
A im Eru Ilúvatar - And I'm Eru Ilúvatar  
  
Hin ná beth nín vedui len. Im Legolas Beleg Thranduilion, ernil Eryn Lasgalen a im daritha an úner - These are my last words for you. I'm Legolas Beleg son of Thranduil and I stop for no man (freely: no one)  
  
Mae govannen, ernil Legolas. Man ná híril? - Well met, prince Legolas. Who is the lady?  
  
Ú ná híril. Ná 'rach. - She's not a lady. She's a curse.  
  
'Rach? - A curse?  
  
'Rach a del - A curse and a horror  
  
Mae govannen - Well met  
  
Ú mae govannen, edhel nibin - Not well met, petty Elf  
  
A tiro men, Fanuilos - Watch over us, Elbereth  
  
Mae govannen ada - Well met, father  
  
Mae govannen, ion nin - Well met, my son  
  
Esserya? - Her name?  
  
wendë elena - maiden of the stars  
  
fin-ninniach - rainbow(colored)-hair  
  
wendë en fin-ninniach - maiden with rainbow-colored hair  
  
ion nin - my son  
  
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SOME PEOPLE REVIEWED TWICE ON ONE CHAPTER! THEY DID GET TWO REPLIES!!! (Yes, I'm sick. Sue me.)  
  
anonomous: Thank you! Always good to get a compliment, I suppose.  
  
Gizmo: Sure I'll keep you informed! (But you already knew that, right?) Hope I didn't scare you with this chapter. Freaked out some friends who beta-ed for me, so hope you're alright. If not... I'll get back on you for that one. No really, I will. I know the phone number of the mental institution near my house (don't ask), so if you need help... THE ELVES IN WHITE COATS ARE COMING FOR YOU!!! Right. Never mind that.  
  
ola: Tsk, tsk... forgot to review, huh? Nah, don't sweat it. It's optional, not like you have to do it. (Although I do enjoy reading reviews. Good for my Leggy's Big Ego Syndrome. Bad for me, though.) And you don't have to beg for more of the story (but I won't stop you either. Makes me feel almighty. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Yeah, whatever.), I enjoy writing this too much to quit. Not going too fast though. Oh well, gotta live with that. No one's perfect. (My name's No one sometimes... =P stuff it.)  
  
ElvenPickle: Dying? That's not to good, eh? How about I give you some really sexy Legolas-mental images as a remedy until I update? Sound like a plan? Or do you prefer someone else? Like Frodo? *droolz* Need to replace keyboard. Wrecked it again. Sigh. Want to thank you for my 100th review, was really nice of you. Never thought I'd make it that far. The soon didn't really work out, unfortunately. Don't get on your knees just yet. Not like I'm pointing an arrow at your face (yet). Mweh, am in an evil mood. Don't know what is wrong, really. Am supposed to be the Goddess of all Good. Oh well, daddy Eru can stuff it. *gets her butt zapped* That happens all the time. Gets annoying. It's not easy having an almighty god as your father, you know... you should be feeling sorry for me now, by the way. Cool links help! Really, they do!  
  
Karone: You're actually counting the days? Okaaaaaaay... obsessive... not that it's a bad thing, though. I think. (I'm actually thinking? Freaking self out. V. bad habit.) No need to get desperate either. There's lots of good stories out there! Like... like... I'll tell you when I find one. Oh! I know! Like OFUM part 1 and 2! And the VSD's! Have you read the new ones yet? Concerning "Scheveningen": you'd like to know, wouldn't you? It is, up to a certain level, part of the plot. Not a big role, but it will be explained later on. You'll have to be patient, like everyone else. Sorry. "A tiro nin, Fanuilos" means "watch over me, Elbereth"; it comes from the books. And don't worry about sucking at Elvish. It's similar to Latin, and if you don't know Latin it can get tough at times. And you can write in Tengwar too? Cool! My friends and I are spreading messages in Tengwar around our school, great fun, heheh. Mani'oio.  
  
ElvenPickle: Two reviews? Well, it's really nice that you bothered to do so, I guess. But a Mary Sue? *gasps* You scared me there! Seriously! I mean, exactly how desperate are you? Don't answer that. And really, what's with the begging?  
  
Karone: And another one who reviewed twice... thank you, I really appreciate it! but how could you forget about my story? Tsk. Nah, just kidding. But don't go on your knees. Makes you seem so dependant. And you can live without some silly fic of an insane girl, right? RIGHT?!!!  
  
Oasisrocker: fan-bloody-tastic? Nice term. Don't think I've heard it before. I actually like the sound. Maybe I should use it in school et cetera. *rubs chin thoughtfully* Yes Precious, that woulds be very good idea, Preciousss... ignore that last bit. Have Gollum-Syndrome. Glad that you like the killer horse from hell bit, it's one of my personal favorites. And you actually feel sorry for Elena being PHYSICALLY attracted to Legsie- dearest? Interesting. Although a little late: Happy New Year to you too.  
  
Sandman: |:o) I'm glad that you think it's still coming along nicely. The Leggy-torture, I mean. Personally I feared that it was getting a little less with every chapter I wrote. (This will change next chapter, the evillest chapter yet. Is evillest even a word?) And have you gotten over the writer's block? I hope so. It's the most terrible thing that could possibly happen, and I always hope it goes away quickly. Only better. Although sometimes it's necessary to have a period without inspiration to continue brilliantly. This is me being wise and philosophical. Feel free to be scared.  
  
*~*FoXy_LaDy*~*: I'm glad you enjoyed chapter one so much that it made you cry. I hope you liked the other chapters just as much; I'm trying to get it right. Takes me a while, though. Am such a silly bint sometimes.  
  
Phoenix Flight: My friends and I laughed our asses off at your idea of "The Hair Wars", it's fan-bloody-tastic! Picked up that term from Oasisrocker (see above). Love it. As for Elena having the disadvantage when it comes to pranks... hoo boy, next chapter things will change... *dundundun* Chapter Seven: The Evil Chapter. Sugar high. Don't ask. Heheh, yeah, I liked the cutting hair as well. Was hard to think of a way to make him do it though. Thank daddy Eru I had some help.  
  
Griffinkhan: :) Thank you! Nice to know that you like them. (Although I don't see how anyone can like Legolas. He's an annoying Captain Obvious. Movie-Legolas, mind you, not the book-one.) You should be happy to know that they won't fall in love. About Lake Town: we're both right. Lake Town was indeed rebuilt, but not in the same spot. If you read the book carefully, you'll notice Tolkien telling about it being built farther north along the lake, away from Smaug's cursed corps. Made it clear now?  
  
Ril-Gania: He did that, you know. Wasn't that bad. Had a nice laugh together. But then again, he's Bertram. Always laughing when with him. Of course, you know that better than anyone else, don't you ;) ? Do you really want to know how I come up with this stuff? I doubt it. Oh and Orli dun hate me for writing it. He wiser than that. Sooo... tell him I said hi. Need to tease him againon Legsie some day. Dunno why, just feel evil.  
  
ElvenPickle: Third review in a row. You like keeping me busy, don't you? Love the bitchy website. Agree we should have a bumper sticker. No, even better, loads of them to terrorize the world with. *insert evil laughter* Legolas, worth a broken skateboard? Not up to me to judge. Ask Elena.  
  
Karone: is this some sort of conspiracy? Three reviews at a time? Oh well, I suppose it's flattering... well, don't really know what to say anymore... oh yeah! Did your friends like the story?  
  
Lossie Alqua: Yet another leaving two reviews... *shakes head* Honestly, you people... btw, the vampire-thing was not an insult. And a berry? Riiiiiiiight... Hope you didn't hurt yourself running into that lamp... thanks for the cappucino, am an addict. Well, as I said, no Legomance. But remember, Elena's not me. I made her up.  
  
WinterRose: Yeah, yeah... but I just like to hear it, you know... *grin* Ah yes, Legolas's huge ego really is contagious... shoot me if it gets too bad, please. No wait, don't. I wanna kick Endy's ass again at Magic first. Mweheh, said she was invincible. Psht. Don't mind me, I'm in a very good mood. Meaning I feel like kicking something. Shut up Estel. Have you met Estel yet? I hope not. He's my evil twin brother, living inside of my head. Very annoying bloke. Yeah, whatever. I thought I told you to shut up?  
  
Jazz: Leggo with spikes is sexy!!! DUH!!! Picture it! *drool* Hell, I'm drooling, and I'm not even a Legolas fan! Not really, anyway. Besides, know what Orli looks like with spikes? Myum... don't mind that. Eline (NOT Elena, am not her, she not me) taking over again. Silly bint. MPD so irritating. So getting you into trouble at times... *sigh* But anyway, the girls won't run away from him. Maybe they'll see it as a pleasant change. And even if they don't, he's still the crown prince of Mirkwood. Besides, it'll grow back... eventually... maybe not when Elena gets to be around him longer... plotting conspiracy now... certainly with the Black Speech... I actually frightened the shit out of my Geography teacher with it... never mind, long story. Lotta fun, though. Am thinking about using the quotes more actively in the story, that should please you. Sorry to keep you waiting btw, didn't mean to. Really, I didn't! Shut up Mandy. She annoying. Hey!  
  
LBFREAK: You actually enjoy Legolas in great pain? That is just SICK! Wait, I wrote it... I am worse... okay, forget I said that. I salute you back, for I will not have a Legomance. I realized it would make the story turn into a Mary Sue-y cliché, and that was everything I didn't want. Mweh. As for the dream-elf... well she met an Elf in Mirkwood, and she did some dreaming next to him... that count? No? Ugh. Fine. Whatever. Bite me. On second thought, don't. This implies I had first thoughts. Shut up, Eline. Here's a tip: never listen to disembodied voices. It's only what the voices in MY head say though. Stuck to plot. Go me! 4 weeks didn't work out, did it? I wanna make it though. Hmmm... maybe I could make my sis promise to gimme cookies if I make it... just might work. Yeah, I could try that... I give up. Am a total disaster.  
  
Gollumsess: Death to Leggie's hair? Uh, yeah... whatever, dude. You dn't really sound like a fan of our Legsie-dearest, or are you? That would require some explanation then... hmmm... take your time... oh yeah, it's not why she hates Jason. You'll find out, it's a major of the plot. Just have to wait a while. All I can say is that her hate has a much deeper reason.  
  
Kat: I'm glad you like the pranks as well. Now that they're on a short break of their journey, there'll be much more time for those kinda things, and much more supplies as well. Hell yeah, I have some *very* creative ideas. *evil laughter inserted here* Yay! I created a classic! Sorta. Oh, whatever. Bite me. No, don't. yes, do. NO!!! Ignore Estel. He's an annoying voice in my head. Flirts with anything, really anything, that breathes. Very disturbing. Need to do something about the speed I write with... so bad... honestly. Thank daddy Eru I didn't get too many reviews requesting romance, but was still enough to get me doubting for a moment. Decided to stick to plot. Was best solution.  
  
Risu-chan: Kewl! I'm getting Leggy-fans to laugh at him. Heheh, I just might be able to pull them all over to... *dundundun* the Dark Side. MUHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Feeling Diabolical Master Plan coming up. Or actually, the Éomer fanclub. Not much of a difference, really. Éomer's a cutie. Stuff it. ??? Didn't follow self there. Kept writing, happy?  
  
Black Pearl: I terrified you with afro Legolas? Sorry... next time I'll make it purple-haired afro Legolas with yellow ribbons. That scare you? Good. Seeing as I'm the author of this fic, and know how I want to end it; I do know if they'll call a truce or not. What I think doesn't matter. But what do you think?  
  
Lady Eowyn: *rubs temples to get rid of headache she got from ~someone~ making noise in the Hall of Reviews* Still nice to see people that enthusiastic though. Don't feel offended! Question is now... what will Elena, Legolas and Tinwë do? And how about Thrandy? Heheh, have evil ideas... oh yeah... more fighting on the way. Oh yes. More evilness as well, although not just from Legsie-dearest. And making Elena seem psycho? Uh, perhaps... oh yeah. I dyed my hear ruby-red. Just thought I'd mention.  
  
Yavanna: :) Meep! Am back. *re-reads phrase* Meep? Ignore that. Took me bloody long, didn't it? I'll be damned if I take this long for next chapter! Ugh. But... no Legomance, just like I said at start of the story. Have a much better idea. More evil, better for the plot, and probably a lot funnier as well. Yeah, whatever. Anyway, feel like being evil. Don't go anywhere near Holland for the coming month, okay? At your own risk...  
  
lil' odd me: You're welcome! You deserved the honor. After all, it was you idea... but don't get to proud of it. I just might get daddy Eru to zap your sorry butt to Angband. Never mind. Well, Endy's working on the new chapter of Highschool... not going too fast though. I threatened to send you after her if she doesn't hurry. For some reason or other she's scared of you... care to explain why?  
  
Self Proclaimed Legolas Fangirl: |:o) Brilliant is my favorite word. Really, it is! I like the sound. Might have something to do with Elijah's favorite words, tho. Oh well. I imagine feeling sorry for Elena, but why Legolas? He's an asshole. (One of the reviewers said so, it's not my words!) But I'm glad you like Leggy with spikes. I know what it looks like and trust me... *drool* Forget I did that. Am a Frodo fan girl. No really, I am!  
  
Meggie-S: Your review was actually a bit disturbing. In the good way, though. Haven't had that many reviews of people wanting to adopt me, you see. Certainly not of people that aren't even 18. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it took me damn long enough!  
  
Special thanks goes to SHANNON, who was kind enough to send me an email to tell me what she thinks of my story, in stead of being lazy and pressing the review button. (Not that I don't appreciate that...) Shannon, thanks for your email. It's really nice to get a message like that. I hope you liked the new chapter.  
  
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E/N: *insert usual plea for review here* Too lazy to type it out. 


	8. Killing with Kindness

IOHITF – WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!

E/N: Moof. I did it! Even after losing the file twice, I finished within a month! Yay me! It's a miracle! Am so proud of self... mweh, never mind. Oh yeah, everybody, go read my poem about the One Ring, it's nice! Really! Anyway... I'll shut up now.

Love, peace and a paperclip,

-xxx- Elvea

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there! I do not own the song used in the chapter either, it belongs to Birgit. I just altered it to fit my mood. Bite me.

This chapter is dedicated to Gizmo LittleWing, simply for being a great chatterbox online, really a very nice contact. As for what she added to the story: she kindly allowed me to use the name Lell'ias, which I personally find very cute. _I recommend her story** 'When We Were 1000'**; it's really worth the time reading._ Now skedaddle and get to reading the rest of the nonsense I decided to post this time.

Random insanity of the author: Bite me, I'm Indonesian. I'm pleasantly insane. Pleasant for me, insane for you. (Thanks Mae!)

WARNING: Chapter contains scarcely (and not) dressed sibling of Legolas. Just so you're prepared. No sexual nudity, so rating does not go up, unless you think it's necessary.

__

"The Eldar wedded once only in life, and for love or at the least by free will upon either part. (...) In due time the betrothal was announced at a meeting of the two houses concerned, and the betrothed gave silver rings one to another. (...) ...ceremonies were not rites necessary to marriage; they were only a gracious mode by which the love of the parents was manifested, and the union was recognized which would join not only the betrothed but their two houses together. It was the act of bodily union that achieved marriage, and after which the indissoluble bond was complete." (Morgoth's Ring, edited by Christopher Tolkien, Part 3 – Laws and Customs among the Eldar)

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Chapter 7 – Killing with Kindness

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~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

Yeah, try to handle that. 

So there I was, sitting naked on the bed of one of Mirkwood's princes, having no clue whatsoever how I ended up there. I didn't remember anything from last night, nothing at all. I knew that whatever happened must've been good, yes indeed very nice, but I didn't remember a thing. Damn. Why do those things always happen to me? Tinwë, in the meantime, had gone into his private bathroom to take a bath (that was about an hour ago) and hadn't returned yet. During that hour I'd done some thinking, only to continuously end back up with that one crucial question: now what?

Tinwë finally came out of the bathroom and walked to a large wooden closet that stood against a wall near –what I guessed to be- the main door of his room. I looked at him as he was picking clothes. He sure has a nice ass... WHAT? Haven't you ever heard of hormones? The silence that accompanied everything he did was driving me crazy.

'Now what?' I mused out loud.

'The bathroom's free' he replied dryly.

'No! I mean you and- free?'

He nodded. Bathroom! Bath! Bathing without being guarded by Legolas's evil killer horse from hell! In my rush to get to the bathroom I jumped up and leaped off the bed, dropping the sheets I had previously been holding so carefully. In an instant I wished I hadn't done so. No sheets, no clothes... oopsy?

'Towel?' Tinwë grinned as he held a large, forest green towel out to me. I glared at him and snatched the item from his hands, then quickly wrapped it around me. Stupid Elf.

~*~

I dried myself, wrapped the towel around me and walked back into the bedroom. I looked around. Tinwë was gone and... Where the hell were my clothes? I sat down on the bed. What else was there to do? Walk around an underground palace/maze dressed in naught but a towel in search of my clothes and/or food? I don't think so. Hopefully Tinwë will return soon; I wasn't planning on waiting in this bloody room all day, although now I was being forced to do so. I had no clothes, nor did I know my way around the palace. He'd better be back soon; I'm bloody starving!

A knock on a door interrupted my annoyed train of thoughts. I looked around the room again. Great, just great. The room only had _eleven_ doors... Middle-earth sucks. Now where is that bloody nurse with the medication when you need her? Another knock followed. Why did the room have so many doors anyway? And why was it so bloody big? I stood up, holding the towel tightly and walked to the nearest door. I opened it and found out that it was a camouflaged closet filled with lots of elven equivalents of PJ's, I suppose. Next door. Oh right, the bathroom. I should've remembered that. Yeah whatever. Bite me.

And what's behind door number three? Another bedroom apparently. Why would Prince Legolas the Second need two bedrooms anyway? Split personalities? Behind the fourth door was some kind of mini-bar, although not really mini. I walked across the room to the fifth door and opened it. Eureka! A maid rushed in and closed the door behind her.

'_Aranel_ Elena! Good that I found you! Oh! Look at you! I can't take you to your husband looking like that! Oh! And the king! What would he think? Goodness! Here, sit down... let's do something bout those colours!'

Confusedly I sat down in the chair the maid held out for me. 'Husband?'

'You're married. Remember? Prince Tinwë? You do remember your spouse, don't you? Oh, prince Tinwë is such a chaotic person. He really needs to learn something about responsibility. After all, the two of you are married now...'

Come again?

~*~ Tinwë's POV ~*~

I watched father as he restlessly paced around the room, a frustrated look on his face. He started his umpteenth lecture of the day on how I could have been so irresponsible as to get in bed with the first female I ran into, without considering the consequences. I knew that the act of body meant marriage by our laws, right? So why had I done it? All these questions he kept asking me without waiting for an answer. Now Legolas for instance. Take a look at him! A much more responsible son than me, and not rushing into action like me. That's why I ended up being married to a girl of whom I didn't even know the name and Legolas was still the most wanted Elf of Mirkwood, despite his lack of hair.

Legolas, Legolas, Legolas... how I hated my older brother. Mister Perfect. Father never really said it with words, but Legolas was his favourite son. Legolas the better warrior, Legolas the wiser one, Legolas the witty one, Legolas the brave, Legolas of the Fellowship... Take a look at Legolas, Tinwë. He knows how to _fill in what he's better at this time_. It makes me sick. No matter what I did, it was never good enough to father. Legolas had always been the one who really made him proud. I accepted that fact long ago, though at some times it would still sting. Father fell silent.

'What do you expect me to say, _ada_?'

'What have you got to say to this all?'

'I will deal with the consequences. There's nothing else I can do. I can't turn back time. I can't undo what has been done'

'And the girl?'

'What about her? She can stay here with me in the palace, right? With title of princess and all?'

'What if she doesn't want that?'

'What do you mean ada? Why wouldn't she want to?'

'She's not from here. Your brother took her prisoner and was on his way to Rivendell with her'

'Rivendell?'

'Let me finish. She wishes to go home, and Legolas wishes to be rid of her, I believe'

'Prisoner?' father nodded. 'And she's from Rivendell?'

'No, but Lord Elrond knows how to get her home. It's quite complicated. She's not from _Ambar-endya_'

'Then where does she come from?'

'She says she's from Doregon or something that sounded similar'

'But... she will leave me then? And I will remain here, alone, but married, for the rest of eternity'

'I fear it will be so'

It was now that I was beginning to understand it all. She wanted to go home, I caused her trouble, not to mention the trouble she caused me and the trouble I had brought upon myself. No wonder father was so angry with me. He already thought me to be nothing but trouble, and now I had proven myself to be that exactly.

'How long will she stay here, before Legolas takes her to Rivendell?' I asked.

'Two weeks, she leaves eleven* days from now'

'My lords, may I interrupt your conversation for a moment?' a maid asked as she entered the room.

'Is everything taken care of?' father asked.

'Yes, my lord. She has been taken to the healers; her wound has been tended. Her hair has also been taken care of and she has been dressed in appropriate clothing.'

'Very good, let me see her.'

The maid bowed and left the room, only to return moments later. 'My lords, I present to you Aranel Elena.' So that was her name... Elena...

I watched her as she entered the room, taking small and careful steps. The colour of her hair was no longer _ninniach_ but chestnut, matching with her eyes. She had been dressed in a pine-coloured gown embroidered with leaf-patterns of fine silver silk. She looked beautiful in it; the maid had done an excellent job. Elena seemed quite insecure and uncomfortable wearing the dress though, and although she seemed to have some trouble moving in it, she walk up straight, proud and quite dignified. She tripped on the skirt of her dress. Father managed to catch her and helped her back on her feet.

'I'm sorry' she said. Father smiled encouragingly at her. She stood there for a moment, confused, then something dawned her and she bowed to father. She turned and bowed to me as well, a bit stiffly.

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

Damn protocol. Damn elvish laws. Damn Middle-earth. Tinwë and Thranduil had explained the whole situation to me and it turned out that to Elves sex was marriage -I'm sure that I read that somewhere and should've remembered it sooner, but having a gorgeous naked Elf next to you in bed really _can_ blur the mind- and that meant that I was now married to Tinwë. Also, Elves are monogamous and don't have divorces. Their marriages last forever, even in death. How about that?

So now I wouldn't be given a room in the guest wing, but that room next to Tinwë's. I would also get my own maids and a whole new wardrobe. (Probably consisting of lots of dresses – all impossible to move around in, of course.) Plus I had been given the title _princess_. Princess Elena. It does have a certain ring to it, doesn't it? Maybe this whole marriage thing wasn't too bad after all...

The downside was that I had to learn a whole lot of things. I had to learn the protocol, everything about the ways of Elves, I needed to learn how to dance (the real thing, not the disco kind), which fork to use at dinner et cetera. Daddy Thranduil (I'm sure he'll kill me if I say that out loud) had also decided that I should get some training in sword fighting and such because he didn't want me to be a damsel in distress if ever I would come across orcs or other icky types of creatures again. Honestly, for an accidental father-in-law he really ain't half bad...

Wait a minute... this means that...

LEGOLAS IS MY BROTHER-IN-LAW!!!

I hate this world.

'About the feast tonight...' Thranduil said.

'Yes?' I asked.

'The original plan was for Legolas to accompany you, but that, of course, isn't possible now that the two of you are married. So my proposal is that you, Tinwë, are her companion for the evening and that you teach her some things about our ways before tonight.'

Tinwë nodded. I looked at him. My husband. My _husband_. I was married, how realistic is _that_? Elves + sex = marriage. Judging the way I felt this morning, that must have been one hell of a wedding. Only I didn't remember a thing. Blasted wine, I want a retry! Tinwë sure is a damn sexy Elf. Hey, he's my husband now, so I'm sure I'll be fine. This is actually the first time that luck's on my side since I ended up in this world.

The only thing that kept bothering me was whether or not I should stay here in Mirkwood with Tinwë, or go home. I still wanted to go home, but having a husband here gave some complications. I can't just leave him. But I can't take him home either. Imagine what would happen if I took my very own pointy-eared bow-twanger / Legolas look-a-like / Tinwë out in modern-day earth... He'd be stampeded by hordes of hormone-driven, screaming fan girls. I couldn't possibly do that to him. Plus, there were my parents and Jason. What was I supposed to say? Hi mom, I went to Middle-earth, wedded Legolas's identical twin brother –were they even twins? I'm not sure- and took him home? Mental institution, here I come...

'Well, are you coming?'

'Hmmm? I'm sorry, did you say something?' I asked. Tinwë sighed.

'You could stay here all day and stare at me, but I assume that you are hungry, so would you accompany me for a late breakfast?' he asked.

'I'd be delighted.' I answered. Tinwë grinned.

'Of course,' he replied, 'because you're with me.'

I grinned, and couldn't help noticing Thranduil's sudden fit of coughs. Pride must run in the family. But I like Tinwë, and I like Thranduil, so apparently Legolas is the only family member I can't stand. Oh well, there's a bad egg in every family I suppose.

~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~

Elena and Tinwë. You gotta be kidding me. This is a nightmare. I never walked in on them. It never happened. Not real. Nu-uh. That would make Elena Tinwë's wife and thus my sister-in-law. Oh no, absolutely not. Tinwë is bad enough on his own, and Elena is bad enough on her own. Those two put together... dear Elbereth, tell me it's not true...

I took a bite of my bread with honey and stared into my half-empty glass of wine. One moment your father tells you to wake up your brother so he can be introduced to the new, honoured guest; -_prisoner_, thank you- the next moment you find them together in his bed. Any blind man could see what had happened last night. But how in the world had they met? And how in the world could Tinwë have been stupid enough to end up with Elena? Elena, of all people! Wait, scrap that last question. Tinwë never was the wise one of the family.

Speaking of evil, they just entered the room together. So it's true... Both of them were clad in dark green, the maids had probably seen to that. They were a lovely couple though; two fools in matching clothes. Tinwë laughed at something Elena said, looked at me and laughed even louder. I glared at the girl. Elena smiled at me and the couple came sitting next to me.

'So I guess we're related now, Legsie' Elena beamed. Legsie! For that alone I should make her die a gruesome death. Tinwë was grinning. And he should die along with her. Call me Legsie and be amused... But it's still better than "Legging-las" I suppose...

'Uh, yes. Marvellous.' I poured my wine down my throat all at once. Elena smiled again.

'I'm so happy that you're taking the new so well! I- _We_ feared you'd be upset.'

'No, no... of course not...' I replied. Tinwë motioned for a servant to come and asked for a small two-person breakfast. I ordered more wine.

'So, can I call you "brother", then?' Elena asked. She smiled sweetly. What's with all the smiles...?

'Yes, of course' I said curtly. Did I just say yes? I just said yes! I meant no! By the beauty of Lúthien Tinúviel, what is wrong with me?

'Great! We're gonna be such good friends!' she said enthusiastically. Gilthoniel, what have I done wrong to deserve this? Wait, don't answer that. The servant returned with my wine.

'Yes. Well, I'll see you two at the feast tonight, so have a nice day.'

Elena pouted. 'But you haven't finished your wine yet, _Lell'ias_!' –who told her about that name? Tinwë!- 'You _must_ stay with us for breakfast.'

'Yes, my dear brother, we would be greatly pleased.' Tinwë agreed. Stuff the politeness. Why oh why did I ever decide to take Elena to Mirkwood? How will I ever be able to put up with this couple for two weeks?

'Very well then,' I suppressed a sigh, 'I'll stay. But not long, I need to see father. There are some important things to discuss.' I glanced shortly at Tinwë. He nodded. Good, he knew what about. I wondered what Elena would do; would she still try to go home by seeking Lord Elrond's counsel? Or would she stay here with Tinwë? And when she did decide to leave for Rivendell, who would escort her there; Tinwë, or I?

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

New strategy. Killing Legolas, or _Legsie-dearest_, with kindness. So far it was coming along quite nicely, and this was only the beginning. Before the end of the evening _Legsie_ would be wishing for bitchiness. I grinned.

'May I ask what is so amusing?' the seamstress asked as she continued her work, using me as a living tailor's dummy.

'Prince Legolas' I responded.

'Right arm up please... yes, thank you. Prince Legolas? How so?'

'He's changed since we arrived here in Mirkwood-'

'_Eryn Lasgalen_' she corrected me.

'Eryn Lasgalen. Whatever.'

'I don't see what's so amusing'

'During our journey he was continuously the _ohtar-edhel_, not to be argued with. Since we arrived here he's been doing everything the king tells him to, and he's much less annoying. He has nothing to say here and he obviously doesn't like it.'

The Elf-girl laughed. 'He's always been like that, ever since he was but a princeling –arm down, stretch the left one- he's a proud one to deal with.'

'A hard nut to crack... I've been putting up with him for one and a half months now, I think. I'm not sure how much time has gone by, really'

'You did not count the days? I always thought that Men kept close account of such things...'

'Well, I did keep some account... but only periods of fifteen days at the longest.'

'Do you remember the date you left? –arm down, turn around'

'No, not by your reckoning at any rate'

'I see... so you and the crown prince do not get along well'

'Not at all'

'How so?'

'Because he consists for 99% of pride'

The seamstress snickered. 'Done.'

I stepped down from the stool and turned around to face the large mirror that hung on one of my new closets in my brand new room in Mirkwood. I looked at my reflection. The seamstress had clothed me in an indigo dress, the fabric felt silky but didn't look like it. It looked much, much nicer. It had a tight bodice, but the skirt widened a little until it reached the ground. The dress was set with very small, white gems; all in all it could've been taken right out of a fairytale. Great. How am I going to survive the feast tonight _without_ ruining the dress or tripping over it a gazillion times? Why haven't they ever made a _Mission:Impossible_ on this sort of thing anyway? Because that actually would come in handy...

'Well, do you like it?' the seamstress asked.

'It's beautiful'

'I'm glad you like it'

'Just one thing...'

'Which is...?'

'How do you walk in it?'

The seamstress chuckled. What?

~*~

My first elven party. What to say about it? A lot. A lot of elvish alcohol, to be precise. Elvish liquor, elvish wine, elvish brandy, elvish something-or-other... note there was no Bailey's. How can one survive without Bailey's? It's soooo essential for any party. Maybe not in Middle-earth though.

And the food... wow... I thought that the banquet in Minas Tirith was terrific, but this... all kinds of meats, fruits, vegetables... various kinds of breads from sweet to salty, cakes, pies... the richest kinds of things you would ever see stood right in front of you, served with the sweetest meads, rich of flavour, any type of drink with or without alcohol. Drinking ordinary water was suddenly a feast on its own.

Elves like singing and dancing as well. They _love_ it. They sometimes dance so fast that simply watching them makes you dizzy. Let alone trying to dance _with_ them. Not for me... I'll be wallflower tonight. And their music... so beautiful. In one word: enchanting. It's so perfect, it sounds so good that it gives you goose bumps. Elves have fair voices, and have talent for playing instruments. I'm not sure, but violin and harp were among those played. One second of listening to elvish music and your taste of music changes for good; whether you previously only listened to heavy metal or hip hop, nothing measures up to it.

Another thing Elves enjoy doing at parties is story-telling and listening to stories. They wanted to know all about the journey Legolas and I had made; not a single detail would they let us skip in telling. Thus it came to pass that before long pretty much every Elf in Mirkwood knew all about the journey and what had happened along the road. Of course Tinwë wasn't left alone either, they wanted to know everything concerning the wedding. Why his brother's prisoner and why the sudden decision? Tinwë didn't tell them a single thing though (a very wise decision, if I may say so myself). I decided to shut up about the ridiculous situation as well and the subject was soon dropped. Unfortunately this ended in a thing far worse than telling about the wedding: the Elves wanted me to sing for them. Problem: I suck at singing. How do I get myself out of this mess?

'Why won't you sing, Elena? Do you realize that it's an insult to the people if you don't? Not a very wise thing to do on your first day as a princess...' Legolas grinned devilishly. Evil Elf. He knows how much it will humiliate me. If only I could get back on him somehow... an evil plan started taking shape in my mind.

'Oh, I will. I'm just thinking about which song I shall sing, dear brother,' I replied sweetly. An approving mumbling rose from the crowd.

'Let me guess, a song from that stupid world of yours.'

'I don't know any songs from here.'

'But you do know the inscription of the One Ring in its original form?'

I ignored that comment. 'You'll love the song.' I turned to Thranduil; he was sitting on my right side next to Tinwë. On Thranduil's other side sat an Elf-maiden that looked vaguely like Legolas and Tinwë, but we hadn't been introduced. Maybe later. 'I wish to dedicate my song to Prince Legolas' I told Thranduil. He smiled approvingly.

'That sounds like an excellent idea. But, if I may ask, why Legolas and not your spouse Tinwë?'

'Because Legolas is the reason that I'm here.' I explained. From the corner of my eye I could see the little bit of colour that Legolas usually has on his face disappeared entirely. Prepare for total humiliation boy.

'What's the song called?' Tinwë asked, glancing shortly at his brother.

'It's called "I know".' I answered. Thranduil rose and announced that I would sing my song now, to the people of Mirkwood present tonight and Legolas in particular, I dedicated it to him. He named the title of the song and sat back down. I rose from my seat on the dais and smiled. Applause rose and died down again.

'Thank you,' I said, 'There's no need for further introduction, and so I'd like to sing my song for Prince Legolas and for all of you now.' I held my breath for a moment, here goes nothing...

"This wine, your eyes,

Matching so sublime

And I'm sure I poor define, boy

Yes with grace

I'll throw it in your face

And make 'em laugh

In a very public place" Laughs towards Legolas from the crowd.

"If you won't listen to what I say, boy

Just be sure to slink away

My knee, your crotch

You will only feel the pain

Of a girl unrestrained" More laughs.

"It was cruel, I know

I know I love it

It was crass, I know

I know I had to

And I think you know

You know you needed it bad" By now Elves were rolling on the floor laughing (the tipsy ones, anyway) and Legolas looked as if he was ready to use me for target practice. Thranduil and Tinwë were trying to hold back laughter, tears stood in their twinkling eyes.

"Ain't it time to read the signs, boy

Can't you see I draw the line, boy

Don't you feel I just had enough

And I'm about

I'm about to play it rough

It was cruel, I know

I know I love it

It was crass, I know

I know I had to

And I think you know

You know you needed it bad

And I'm no saint

I will not be contained, no way

No way, no way I'll be tamed, no way" Tinwë and Thranduil lost their fight and started laughing uncontrollably. 

"Yes I'm cruel, I know

I know I love it

I'm crass, I know

I know I have to

I'm cruel, I know

I know I love it

And I think you know

You know you need it

I know, I know I love it

I'm crass, I know

I know I have to

And I think you know

You know you needed it bad

And I'm no saint

I will not be contained, no way

No way, no way I'll be tamed, no way

I won't be tamed."

~*~ Tinwë's POV ~*~

Loud cheers and applause followed after the ending of Elena's song, and many an Elf wanted to hear more. She may not be a good singer, but she has a brilliant way of disguising it. With the story of her and Legolas fresh in the mind this was a fantastic addition to the feast, and a very clever move. In those few minutes she had made every Elf present love her. Except for Legolas, of course. Even his friends here were laughing; but it could have something to do with the amount of wine they had drunk.

'That was the most brilliant thing I ever heard.' I complimented Elena. She beamed, Legolas glared at me. I grinned at him; I'd finally found someone who couldn't stand his pride either. I looked back at Elena. She looked beautiful when she beamed like that. She may not be an Elf and she may not be the most stunning maiden that ever walked this world, but she sure didn't look bad. No, not bad at all.

She doesn't like Legolas either; she knows how to handle him and how to get to him. From her story I knew she liked to pull pranks, and she had just proven that, even though she was poorly skilled in arts of war, she was not a damsel in distress. At first this marriage had seemed like nothing but trouble, but now it didn't seem so bad anymore. A girl that dislikes my brother... For that alone I could love her. In an impulse I jumped up, pulled her face towards mine and kissed her. I couldn't help myself. Cheers and whistles rose from the tipsy crowd. Elena drew back quite fast though, and stumbled backwards as she pulled herself from my embrace. I grinned. So obvious that I'd surprised her utterly...

In her clumsiness of stumbling backwards she hit several objects with her arm, causing them to fall over. One of those was Legolas's glass and he got (another) wine-shower from Elena. He jumped up.

'Look what you've done! You spilled my wine!'

'Would you like me to refill your glass, then?' Elena asked, smiling politely. I could hear father snicker.

'Yes! No! Huh?' Legolas looked at her in confusion, not having expected this kind of reply from her. He was not sure how to respond. He wanted to yell at her some more, but she had not directly insulted him. He was cornered.

'It's a simple yes or no question, _toronya._' I said, wanting to have a share in the fun.

'It's a conspiracy.' Legolas muttered, then he left the feast in fury. Drama Queen stomping off.

'Yet another brilliant reply.' I said to the girl. She blushed.

'Thanks, I guess...'

'Would you like to dance?'

'No! I mean, uh... maybe I... this is... I don't think it would be smart.'

'Why not?'

'I can't dance.'

'Of course you can!'

'Trust me, I can't.'

'Not even a little?'

'No.'

'Then I'll teach you.' She sighed. 

'Elves...' she muttered. 'Alright then.' I took her hand and led her to the dance floor.

~*~

Legolas and I must have something in common. Stubbornness: to be precise. I knew that teaching Elena how to dance wasn't a good idea, but I pressed on anyway. My poor feet... She did make some progress though; after a while she didn't stand on my feet as often as before.

Legolas did not return to the feast in his honour, he was probably off somewhere in the forest, sulking. Serves him right. Mr. Perfect. For once in my life he didn't make me feel like a total failure. For once father wasn't so wordy in praising him. For once I felt as though I had an actual chance to win.

I looked at Elena. She was sleeping soundly and peacefully in her own bed; eyes closed. For a couple of hours she wouldn't be in this world, and I wondered what she dreamt of. I sat down on the bed and leaned over her to kiss her goodnight. She shifted slightly and I feared that I might wake her up. I got up and went back into my own bedroom next to hers.

Tomorrow would be her second full day here and a lot would have to be discussed. Would she stay here with me; or leave to find her way home? Who would accompany her if she decided to leave? What would be done about Legolas's claim on her as his prisoner? What about the formal wedding? Dozens of questions popped into my head. They could wait a few hours, and I could use some rest. Having Legolas around is usually a very tiresome business.

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

By the time I woke up it was nearly noon. My room was quiet and only very little light came from the candles someone had lit on the walls. There were no windows. Of course not, this place is underground, you silly bint. I yawned and stretched myself out. What to do? Maybe there was a "what to do in case of fire" note around somewhere, on which I could see the structure of the palace and it's numerous hallways. Oh please.

I got out of bed and walked around my room. My very large room. My abnormally large room, in the underground palace of Mirkwood, Middle-earth. Again: have I lost my mind? Just like yesterday, I started opening doors at random to see where they led. With the third I realized that it wasn't too clever. It's probably not very appropriate for a princess –bloody hell- to walk into a hallway wearing only a thin nightgown...

'Aranel Elena! What are you doing? I'm glad I found you! Oh, look at you! You're not even dressed yet! And we only have an hour and a half left! Linwen, come and help me! We need to get her ready!' a maid exclaimed. Within seconds she'd worked me back into my room, and the two maids started pulling all kinds of items out of various closets. They put a couple of chairs and stools in the centre of the room. What the-?

An hour and a half later I had bathed, my hair had been washed and put up, my face had met the elvish equivalents of make up, I had been sprinkled in sweet-scented oil, dressed in a long, white gown (yet another impossible thing to walk in) and I was wearing a bloody gorgeous necklace which the maids defined as bridal gift. Right...

'Here, take this,' the first maid handed me a silver ring, in scripted in Tengwar. I tried to read what it said but couldn't figure it out. It seemed to be a dialect of Sindarin origin. I moved to put it on my finger. 'No! You must give it to ernil Tinwë when he comes!'

'It's your engagement ring.' the second maid explained. 'After a year of engagement, at the shortest, the wedding follows. The ring is then replaced for a gold one at the wedding ceremony, but the silver one is still treasured and kept close.'

'The prince and you didn't seem to have a formal engagement, but the king finds it important that you do have a ring.' the first maid went on. A short, soft knock on one of the doors. 'That should be the prince. Well, go on, hurry! Everyone's waiting for you and the prince. Weddings are held in high regard!' she said as she shoved me through the door.

'Uh...' I turned around to get back in and get some more explanations. The door was closed and refused to open. Am I really that stupid or is Middle-earth just confusing? Don't answer that.

'Are you ready?' I turned around slowly, afraid that I might trip over my gown. Tinwë was standing in front of me, dressed in a deep blue tunic and silvery tights, his golden hair was allowed to freely fall onto his shoulders; except of course for his _findi ohtar_. On his brow he wore an elegant silver circlet with a bright white gem set in it. Beat me senseless and call me happy! _Someone_'s looking drop-dead gorgeous. 'I... I've got something for you...' he said. 

He turned around to a servant behind him –oh look, more people in the hallway- and fidgeted with something in a small box. He turned around again and took my right hand. Carefully he slid a small silver ring around my third finger; it fitted perfectly. Oh right, that thing! Now where'd I put his?

I reached to get it out of my pocket, then I realized that I didn't have any pockets. But if it's not in my pocket, then where is it? I looked around. There it was, lying on the floor not far from me. I'll fall if I bend to pick it up. Yup, Eru hates me all right. Or not. Anyway, a servant was so kind as to pick it up for me and handed it to me. I thanked him and turned my attention back to Tinwë. He smiled encouragingly at me. I took his hand in mine and, trying to relax, I put the ring on his finger. The other Elves softly started singing, so beautiful that it caused me to shiver for a moment. They started walking into the direction of something I wasn't sure. Tinwë took my hand in his and we followed the others, slowly. As we walked, Tinwë gently stroked my hand with his thumb.

~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~

I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't get it through my thick skull that Elena was getting the big ceremony. But then again, I wasn't over the shock of finding her and Tinwë together either. I looked as they kneeled before me; usually father wedded couples, but he was involved in the ceremony now as father of the bridegroom, thus I, the eldest son, was to take his place. Tinwë bent his head down and Elena followed his lead. I put a hand on each of their heads.

'Indis...' I looked at Elena, '...a' ender.' I looked at Tinwë. 

I looked at Elena again. Her hair had been put up, on either side of her face a small lock of curly hair was left to hang free. She was wearing a long, white gown set with tiny crystals. It was tight at the top, showing a nice posture; and it was cut low, showing off the silver necklace she was wearing. Whether it was the light or something else I didn't know, but she seemed to have a faint white glow about her. In her hands she held a bouquet of _alfirin _flowers. She looked like a Maia just having come out of Valinor, purity itself. Seriously, what _does_ Tinwë see in her?

'Tinwë Thranduilion, will you step forth in confidence, having the knowledge that the oath you will pledge is of utmost gravity, and thenceforth impart your oath before your intended, your family, your king, the Lords of the West and Eru Allfather?' I asked my brother. No, no... I beg you to say no...

'I will so step forth.' Tinwë answered. Is there nobody to stop this? Father, if he refuses to acknowledge! Father, please!

'Who stands with Tinwë in this hour?' I asked.

'I do' came the answer from father. I closed my eyes for a moment. I'm doomed.

'Then step forth, Tinwë, and prepare to speak your oath.' I said. Tinwë rose and stepped forward nervously; not seeing the encouraging smile father sent him. Idiot. I turned to Elena. She could still say no. 'Elena, daughter of Roderick,' –what kind of name is _that_?- 'Will you step forth in confidence, having the knowledge that the oath you will pledge is of utmost gravity, and thenceforth impart your oath before your intended, your family, your king, the Lords of the West and Eru Allfather?'

'I will so step forth.' Elena answered. I can feel Morgoth coming for me already.

'Who stands with Elena in this hour?'

'I do.' Gilwen answered. In normal cases the mother of the bride would answer, but Elena had no family here. Which was why she had agreed –before the ceremony started- to let Gilwen take her mother's place. Blasted kid sister. Why does she have to turn against me in my hour of despair?

'Then step forth, Elena, and prepare to speak your oath.' Elena, like Tinwë had done, rose and stepped forward from where she had been kneeling. The couple was now standing right in front of me, very close.

'Tinwë Thranduilion, speak your pledge, and know that your words fall upon the ears of witnesses both _hroä_ and _fëa_.' I let out a soft sigh, not hearable to any but Tinwë.

'I, Tinwë Thranduilion, pledge my heart, my mind, my spirit, my body, and all that I possess to you, Elena Roderickiel. I will serve you, protect you, cherish you and honour you for the rest of our lives together. Your joys and sorrows will be as my own, and all that I am I will share in full with you. These things I do solemnly swear, in the name of Eru Allfather, in the names of Manwë Steward of Eru upon Arda and Varda his spouse, and in the sight of all witnesses _hroä_ and _fëa_.' A simple pledge, no cherished memories worked into it. Of course not, they had none. Typically Tinwë. Fool... how can he be my brother?

'Elena Roderickiel, speak your pledge, and know that your words fall upon the ears of witnesses both _hroä_ and _fëa_.' I repeated myself to Elena.

'I, Elena Roderickiel, pledge my heart, my mind, my spirit, my body, and all that I possess to you, Tinwë Thranduilion. I will serve you, protect you, cherish you and honour you for the rest of our lives together. Your joys and sorrows shall be as my own, and all that I am I will share in full with you. These things I do solemnly swear, in the name of Eru Allfather, in the names of Manwë Steward of Eru upon Arda and Varda his spouse, and in the sight of all witnesses _hroä_ and _fëa_.' Elena had more trouble speaking her pledge, simply because she was too stupid to remember what to say. Tinwë helped her out several times, but he didn't seem to mind.

Tinwë took off the silver ring he was wearing and put it on a silver chain, handed to him by a servant. The same servant took the flowers from Elena and gave them to one of Elena's new handmaidens. When did she get those? Tinwë handed the chain with the ring to Elena, and she, standing before him, fastened it around his neck with insecure hands. Now Elena took off her ring, her hand was shaking slightly. She put it, like Tinwë had done, on a silver chain. Independence; free to do what she wishes to do. She gave the chain to Tinwë. Loyalty; sharing her freedom with him. He fastened it around her neck. Bondage; he accepted her.

The ceremony, or at least the public part of it, was nearly over now. After this part the festivities would resume and the couple would withdraw into a room prepared for them, to complete the wedding. Don't see why they're getting it, they've already done that part. Father presented a golden ring to Elena. She marvelled at it for a moment, then took Tinwë's right hand and put it on his index finger. At least she got that part right. Now Tinwë took the gold ring father gave him and put it on Elena's finger, taking a deep breath to prevent his hand from shaking. 

Now father and Gilwen stepped forward to stand beside the couple. Father was the first to speak his blessing over the couple. Soft words in a tongue older than the Sindarin flowed from his lips, almost as if they were a song. It was a melody older than father, older than Mirkwood, almost as old as the world itself. He invoked Manwë, the Lord of the Winds, High King of the World, to be their guardian and to shield the couple from danger until the world itself ended. He invoked him to bring joy to the couple, and a strong marriage. Then his voice died down and the song ended. Father truly has a terrific voice...

Gilwen, in her turn, let words flow from her mouth, she had a soft but beautiful voice to listen to. The second ancient melody now sounded in the great hall, invoking Varda Elentári, Queen of the Stars; fair beyond words of Men and Elves, fairer than Lúthien Tinúviel herself. Gilwen sang to Varda, so that she would be witness of this marriage, to protect the lovers and to keep them pure and true to each other, and to bind them in perfect harmony forever, even if they were Elf and Mortal, and from different worlds. Now Gilwen's voice also died down and everything became silent.

'May the Valar be with you, my son.' Father took Tinwë's hand.

'May the light of Elbereth ever shine upon your face.' Gilwen took Elena's hand. Father and Gilwen joined the hands of the couple, then they stepped backwards. I looked at Elena's face, then at Tinwë's. Both were nervous, and neither was quite sure what to do next. With Elena I can understand that, the silly girl is not familiar with elvish weddings for as far as I know. Tinwë was just a retard.

'Kiss her, you fool!' I hissed. A veil seemed to be taken from Tinwë's eyes, and the nervousness left his face. His eyes twinkled, honouring his name. He leaned in and brushed his lips against Elena's. Do I really have to be a witness to all of this? She returned the kiss, it became more intense. Manwë and Varda hate me. Oh yes, they do. It wasn't a very long kiss; at weddings they never seem to be. At least my mental sanity is safe. And this ceremony is pretty much ending... yay!

'In the name of Eru Ilúvatar, the One from whom all life has sprung, the One of whom came all that we love, and in the names of Manwë Súlimo and Varda Elentári, and in the presence of gathered witnesses, and by the authority bestowed upon me as Crown Prince, it is my greatest pleasure,' –who wrote this stupid speech? I do _not_ enjoy this wedding!- '...to declare you husband and wife.'

Elena beamed and Tinwë smiled at her. They were official now, and made no problem of it. He leaned in to kiss her again. And I'm out of here... They'd be leaving the feast soon, and I didn't have to be confronted with them anymore. I just can't wait till they're gone. Finally some peace. Father came to me.

'You did very well.'

'Thank you, father. I hope you don't have any other surprises for me up your sleeve.'

'Not for today.'

'I love you too.'

'I know.' Father grinned.

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

I wonder if I can do that wedding again. Not the ceremony, but the private part. Damn, Tinwë has a _lot_ of energy. And he's considerate. He's so sweet. Yeah, that was one hell of a night. I'd love to repeat it. I'm sure neither of us would mind. Plus, I read somewhere that Elves really enjoy sex, and like to do it a lot after they get married. Am I lucky or _what_? 

I leaned back against Tinwë's chest and closed my eyes. Elves make good pillows. We were lying on his bed, contented, enjoying each other's presence. His hand was playing with my hair. I let my hand run through his. I always wondered what Elf-hair feels like. Soft... Tinwë laughed softly.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'Same thing you're doing...' I mumbled.

'Is my hair really that fascinating?'

'It's soft...'

'If you want something soft to pet I could also get you a cat...'

'Why? Because you don't want me to touch your hair?'

'No, because it's inconvenient to attend to meetings with a wife continuously petting your hair.'

'Now just a minute! I would not-'

He kissed me. 'You were saying?'

'Never mind.' I cuddled against him. 'Goodnight.'

'Are you going to sleep?'

'What do you think?'

'What if I want to get to know you better?'

'Can't it wait? I'm tired...'

'But...' Tinwë sighed. 'We have the time now. Time to talk. The day is always busy.'

I got back to sitting up straight. 'I suppose you're right.'

The couple of hours that followed we spent talking to each other, telling each other all kinds of stories from our childhood. I even told Tinwë about Tolkien, the books and the films that had recently been made. It took some time to explain what a film was, of course, but Tinwë was really interested. He especially took great delight in me citing passages from the books. He loved the passage of "The Bridge of Khazad-dûm", where Legolas is a big sissy.

Tinwë told me a lot as well, starting with his childhood. He and Legolas could still get along then, although Legolas was Thranduil's favourite child. His grandfather Oropher had still been alive back then, and Tinwë was his favourite grandson. When the twins –yes, they were twins- grew older, they grew apart. Legolas became proud and brave, Tinwë on the other hand became the quiet and naughty one. He told me that he and his brother liked to pull pranks (especially on each other), but Legolas considered himself too old or too good for that now. Tinwë didn't, and his eyes twinkled as he told me about some of the pranks. My very own Elf. Bad Boy Elf™ Tinwë... yum. 

By the time he'd gotten to telling about the period around the War of the Ring, the brothers didn't get along at all anymore and there was nearly always strife. Dude, those two have issues. Maybe family therapy would do them some good. I couldn't help but laughing at most things he told, he did the most amazing things. When the night was drawing to an end we ended up deciding to conspire against Legolas and pull some more pranks. I love this guy. By the time we got out of bed to take a bath we'd already planned our first scheme. Legolas would long remember the dinner party held tonight, I'm sure of that...

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E/N: That's all, folks! You may be wondering why this is the evilest chapter yet. Well... Legolas' demise has just been plotted. _Insert evil laughter here._ Of course I love our Elfie-boy! He just annoys me at times. Well, I still like to hear what you think!

Love, peace and a paperclip,

-xxx- Elvea

PS: I'm also writing a fic with **Aspiring Elf Girl**, it's called **Cloaked Rivalry**. Can you see what she wrote and what I wrote? I wonder. In any case, it's sure worth reading!

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Elvea's Elvish Helpdesk. Sort of.

Please note that these phrases took ages to get right. Hard work's been put into them, forgive me if a mistake is made in one or two places. I've spent hours on studying Tolkien's languages, so I know what I'm doing. Be aware that I did not simply copy these phrases from some website but constructed them myself. Please also note that the Grey Company website contains Elven (which is only *loosely* based on Tolkien's work), not _Elvish_. Phrases found there are not in proper Elvish (although I just _love_ the term mani'oio). Thank you.

ada (for the bright ones that hadn't figured it out yet) – father, daddy

Ambar-endya – Elvish term for Middle-earth

*An elven week counts only six days

ninniach (reminder) – rainbow

ohtar-edhel – Elf-warrior

toronya – dear brother

aranel – princess

findi ohtar – warrior braids

indis a' ender – bride and bridegroom

alfirin – a small, white flower (also _uilos_ or_ simbelmynë_)

hroä – body

fëa - spirit

-iel – suffix for 'daughter of'

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Shannon: It's really nice how you just email instead of review. It gives it something more personal. Thank you! The elvish in the text is Sindarin though, not Quenya. I translated it all myself, with grammar help from Ardalambion, the best website on the elvish languages there is. It can be found here: Did you have fun with this chapter? Good luck with the elvish!

horsegrl: She _did_ learn how to ride normally. I know from experience that riding without a saddle isn't too much of a difference. (Except for getting onto the horse, phew...) So once she got on she'd done the hardest bit. She had no choice but to gallop; she would lose sight of Legolas otherwise. But it's amazing what a person can do when a lot depends on it. And lets be honest. Would you -even if you didn't get along with him- want to lose sight of Legolas? Just imagine Elena on that horse galloping after Legolas, clutching to her horse as if clutching to her dear life. Does that explain it? Glad you liked the rest though.

Phoenix Flight: Well, it was a brilliant name! It had me cracking up until I fell out of my chair! As for odds being evened yes or no: I think Legolas is chanceless now... _laughs evilly..._

Lady Eowyn: Yay! Everyone likes Tinwë! Woohoo! _Does silly victory dance._ Don't mind that. Am just insane. Wow, a blizzard? Wicked! I got stuck in one as well during Christmas Hols when was in Germany. Was a lot of fun. Thanks for pointing out the typo. Can't pick 'em all out. I promise to change it as soon as I have the time for it. there, that better? Ooooh, you have a mini-Balrog as well? Kewl! _Bormir roars at Deneathor. _Don't mind that. It's his way of saying hi.  
  
Witchmaster: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I hope you enjoy the story at all. I think so though, because you bothered to read the entire story so far and even reviewed twice! Thanks! |:o)

Godforsaken: Yay! You liked it! (Like I didn't know that yet... just wanted to brush up my ego, that's all.) At least someone likes the hair, it scared some other people. No really, it did. Muha, eeeevil... I hope this story isn't the main reason why you started hating Legolas. (Actually I do, but it's too evil a thing for the Goddess of Good to say.) Did you know that you were the very first review on this story EVER? Go you! And yeah, I just _had_ to put the quote in it. So tell me about that theory Random Dent has...

LBFREAK: The whole idea was to make the reader think she slept with Legs. Pretty evil, but effective. I learn that kind of thing in school. (I actually learn _useful _things there, how about that?) But not everyone looks the same, only Legolas and Tinwë. Still confusing, I suppose. Leggy torture is on its way, it's going to be like it's never been before! Oh yeah, I feel evil today!

Karone: Kewl, people wanna conspire against me... well, it's still quite flattering that you bother to review more than once per chapter. Keeps me inspired while I write. (I actually read my reviews several times, how pathetic is _that_?) Oh well. Kewl how you said thank you in all those different languages, with only two or three spelling mistakes. Don't see me doing that. (Just want to point out one, as my Indonesian pride is getting in the way (am partly Indonesian, you see): Terimah Kassi is supposed to be Terima Kasih. Oh well, don't sweat it. Oh, you just copied it. Then whoever wrote it made a silly mistake. But who am I to say these things, really?) Well, was this update soon enough?

Oasisrocker: MONTY PYTHON RULES!!! No really, he does! Something, somewhere... we all rule stuff at some point... never mind the philosophical behaviour. That's what happens when you actually have philosophy classes in school... O.O Weird subject. Anyway, I think you should update your fic. Tell me when you do, I'll promise to review for you. :) You like Valentine's Day? I hate it. Anyway (again), tell your brother I said "okaaay...". 'mooches! 

Black Pearl: ROFLMAOWTIME? You definitely have to tell me what that means. I know ROFLMAO, but this one... right... Yeah, Elena does everything her way, weird or weirder. But hey, she had weird hair! Hope I didn't scare you too much with the image of purple and afro... if so, I'm sorry.

alassae: Quality entertainment = evil entertainment. Glad you enjoy it. 'mooch!

Warlady: I'll try to update more often, but I can't make any promises. I have a lot of schoolwork, you see. (Blast it.) I know, I like Lell'ias as well, but it's just soooo much fun to mock him! I'm not sure I'll make Legolas try to discover what Tinwë sees in Elena, he probably is too damn proud for that. I'll see... pain, suffering and pranks on the way. I promise. Btw are you a paganist?

Gizmo: Ooooooooooooh, you left a nice review! I'm glad you like the way I write the Elves. But I think, from what works of Tolkien I've read, that they really are like that. They're _close_ to being perfect, but aren't perfect. Besides, perfect Elfies are boring. I'm happy to know that the chapters aren't slowly getting worse, because I'm a little afraid that it might happen. As for that fantasy-style of writing... yes, that was the intention. ;) I have no idea what pillows would say if they could speak. Maybe they'd tell us to stop whining and not to cry onto them anymore because they get all wet. Maybe they're eeeeeevil. Or maybe they'd start telling about the love of _their_ life; that lovely pink pillow they met at the shop... hmmm, this needs considering.  
  
Nolwe: My computer is the evilest of all, as you may have read above. But still, I updated. Thanks for your review! 

ola: Legolas is the older one of the twins. Was this soon enough? Please don't send Orcs after me! I have two sisters, that's bad enough! Aaaaaack!

Lossie Alqua: Yay! You're not mad at me for taking longer! Thank you! Don't sweat the two reviews. After all, it looks rather nice on the counter, doesn't it? ;) It took me a little while to get it all right (am not sure how long, though), because the elvish grammar is such a lot of work. Then again, I'd rather do it myself and get it right than to copy it off some website full of mistakes.

Jazz: Legolas's response to finding Tinwë and Elena was absolutely my favourite part. (Just picture Leggings and the looks on his face... Kodak moment!) Yes, they are twins. Thranduil treats Elena better because Legolas treated her so poorly; and he wants to teach Lell'ias a lesson. Thanks, I put a lot of work it the Sindarin! (Great that you noted "Sindarin" and didn't just shouted "Elvish" or "Quenya" to sound interesting!)

Ril-Gania: Hey Rils! Thanks! Uh, sure you can borrow Tinwë, as long as you don't fuck him up too much. (And if you ever get to writing anything at all...) I'd be interested in that story... anyway, I told you what the idea -more or less- is. Orli's gonna hate me. You're not gonna tell him, are you? Please? You should stop calling Bram "Brammy-boy". It's getting on my (and possibly on his) nerves. Yes, yes... I've started on bugging him for you. See, I can be nice! Love you too hon. I won't make him suffer too much... yet. I promise. I know Orli hasd a hard life, but we were getting back on him for canceling the skiing trip, remember? Love, Elvy.

Yavanna: Moof. Did you guess that it would end up in this situation? I wonder how many people guessed it. Only those who've read Morgoth's Ring, I suppose. Well, glad to see that you still enjoy it!

Aimzy-chan: Wrote more! Thanks for the review, it's a really nice one. Nobody called this a Mary Sue yet, nobody even said it was turning into one, but I was afraid that it would happen if I'd made Legolas and Elena fall in love. Good to see that you like my version of Legolas. I'll tell you a scary thing though; he's not so different in the books...

danceingfae: |:o) It's very nice to know that you like my story, and how Elena changed. I hope you had a good laugh over this chapter!

Kat: How could I possibly bet bored with _this_ story? It's Legolas-torture! It's far too much fun to quit! I indeed purposely wrote that particular scene like that, it's a suspense effect I learned in Literature Class. Great technique, eh? Sorry if I scared you with it. Tinwë is not for sale, though. He lives in my head. But if you would like to use him for a story, I'm willing to bargain. ;) The hair is fixed now, so don't worry. Legolas used several kinds of berries for the different colours, btw. I didn't mean to upset you by making all the Legolas fans Éomer fans. Just fooling around... you understand that, right? RIGHT? The scizo-king voice isn't the only one. He's the biggest perv, though, so it's very disturbing. Thanks for being compassionate. Anything even mildly hinting pervertedness comes from him, not me. I don't want you to bite me indeed. I promise to keep writing!

Karone: ~_~* You're going to torture me if I don't update fast enough? You sound like my sister, the Goddess of Evil (Endomiel)! That is... sick? A form of obsessive? Fangirly behavior? I wasn't annoyed with the three reviews (I didn't even notice until I started writing the responses, actually), I was actually rather flattered. VSD's stands for Very Secret Diaries, written by Cassandra Claire. They're incredibly funny, if you want to know where to find them just mail me or find another way to contact me. (_osanwe-kenta _for instance) I don't use Grey Company. Grey Company based it only loosely on Tolkien, meaning that it does not contain proper elvish. I picked up the term mani'oio in a fic, I think, but now I know where it came from. It's good to hear that your friend liked the fic, thanks for the compliment! And whether Elena is pregnant or not... well that would be telling!  
  
Apolena Soleil: Jealousy, huh? It could be an interesting sideline... It will not turn into romance with him and Elena though. I'm too proud to let that happen. Thanks for the review! :)

tbiris: Was this update soon enough? I hope so. If you're interested in the story about me, my school and Moria in the basement I suggest you read **_Chaos, panic, disorder, my work is done here_**. It's on my account. Only one chapter up so far, though, because I haven't gotten to type out the rest yet. Thanks for taking the time to review (twice) even if you were tired!

AnGeLiC dEvIl: You printed the entire story? Wow... that's so cool! I'm glad to hear that your friends liked it as well. Thanks for your review, it's a really nice one; flattering. Thanks for putting me up your list and thanks for complimenting me on my review. I'll try to update as often as possible.

Morivanim: |:o) Thank you for leaving a review, I'm happy to see that you like this!

Kazle: Muha. Am getting people to the Dark Side (Éomer Fanclub)! Yay me! Well Éomer _is_ pretty sexy... oh yeah... _licks lips_ Never mind that. Went to see TTT again yesterday, hence the drooly behavior. But no hangovers, it's elvish wine. Updated sooner than I did, so I suppose it will become more frequent. I'm trying to achieve that anyway.

Penance: Legolas's hair as a subject will be back, right now Elena and he just have more important things to think about. *coughTinwëcough* I'm glad that you enjoy the Legolas-torture just as much as I do!

ithinkineedanewname: Brother-to-brother talk is yet to come. Am wondering if should feel sorry for Elena. After all, she _did_ get the title princess and the whole nine yards... maybe we should feel sorry for Legolas... neh.


	9. Justice

IOHITF – WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!

E/N: *enters stage right, cheeks red of shame* I'm so sorry! I meant to update faster, but as usual things got between me and my writing again. Don't worry, this fic will not go mushy all of a sudden. It will not become a romance. Over my dead body! Well, I'll get to the writing then...

Love, peace and a paperclip,

-xxx- Elvea

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there! 

__

This chapter is dedicated to Mags (or Ril-gania, should you be interested in reading the stuff she writes), one of my best friends. Couldn't have done this without your comments babe! Thankies!

Random insanity of the author: Looks can be deceiving and I'm the living proof.

__

"The wolf snarled and sprang towards them with a great leap. At that moment there was a sharp twang. Legolas had loosed his bow. There was a hideous yell, and the leaping shape thudded to the ground; the elvish arrow had pierced its throat. The watching eyes were suddenly extinguished. Gandald and Aragorn strode forward, but the hill was deserted; the hunting packs had fled." (the Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien, book 2 – chapter 3; The Ring Goes South)

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Just for the hell of it I'll do this chapter entirely in Sindarin, if you people don't mind.

__

Hon glinthannen. Idir bein. Melethron nín... caro enni meleth...

'Melin le' pedin. 'Meleth uireb.'

'Gwennë tithen...' lalaith be nelladel, 'baur nín an min dú na le... guren bêd enni: e prestanneth. Melin le.'

'Garo nin.'

'Vá. Lúth lín gwédhië nin... tolo enni... boe mín erthad.'

'Caro enni meleth'

'Vá: melin le.' Pedanneth. Girnen.

'Caro han. Lago, daro glavrol...'

'Eglerio nin'

'Thalion nin, gonathranech nin nath le'

'Hervo nin.'

'Cerin.' I thír gelui, lalaith. Glín maelui, lam lewig nín. Faugennen. 'Han úgerth...'

'Istan. Goheno nin.'

'Gohenan le.'

'Afado nin' Afadannen haust honna. 'Gwestannen le mela. Gwesto I melech nin.'

'Gwestan...'

'Heltho an pedo enni gwaur'

I feel the rating will climb if I go on like this. Besides, do we really need to know _everything_ that happened on the wedding night of Elena and Tinwë? I don't think so. Therefore I go on with the story.

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Chapter 8 – Justice

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~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~

'_Maer erin_' Galion greeted me cheerfully as he walked past me in the corridor.

'It's not a good morning.' I growled.

'Why not, sir?'

'Because Elena and Tinwë got married.'

'Would _you _rather have been her spouse, then?' Galion asked innocently.

'GALION!' I barked. In seconds he'd sprinted out of my sight, around a corner. Bloody servants...

I walked on until I reached the dining hall, where now breakfast was being served. As usual it was filled with comings and goings; everyone could get a meal whenever they pleased. The seats upon the dais were empty, and in front of father's seat the table had already been cleared, meaning he'd already broken his fast.

I sat down in my seat on the dais; moments later a servant came to ask me what I wanted to eat. He wasn't gone for long when I'd finished telling him what I wanted, and he put a plate filled with bread and fruits in front of me, next to it a glass of sweet red wine. Just as I wanted to start eating, my brother and his spouse entered the hall. Must they disturb my breakfast? They are so unhealthily sticky...

'_Maer erin, toronya_.' Tinwë said as he helped Elena into her seat. I nodded at him in acknowledgement as he sat down next to me. Elena said nothing at all. She was staring at something in the distance of her memory with a dreamy look in her eyes and a ridiculous grin on her face.

'Good morning to you too, Elena.' I said sharply. She nearly jumped out of her chair as she snapped out of her daydream.

'Morning _Lell'ias_!' she smiled. Would she just stop doing that? It's getting frustrating.

'Did you rest well?' Tinwë asked me.

'It was fine.' I replied airily. 'How about you?' Big mistake. A huge grin crept onto my brother's face.

'We had a fine night. I wouldn't know about resting, though.' He answered. Elena sighed contentedly.

'Marvelous.' I said.

'Can I ask a favor of you?'

'I suppose.'

'Father and I are going hunting today, but Elena should be getting her first lessons,' uh-oh... 'would you mind looking after her for the day? You could teach her archery and how to wield battle-knives... she'd be honored, of course.'

'I'm sure of that...' I replied sourly. I looked in her direction. She was absentmindedly poking her food with a fork and didn't look at all happy anymore. A plan took shape in my mind. This was the perfect opportunity for me to get back on her for her song... 'I'd be delighted to do so.'

'Splendid!'

'When will you be back?'

'Probably just before dinner.'

'Are there any other lessons planned for the day?'

'Not that I can remember.'

I suppressed a grin and smiled instead. 'It will be such a great day then.'

~*~

'Are you finished yet?' I asked impatiently as I waited in front of Elena's room.

'Almost! Stop nagging every three seconds!' came the reply. I sighed.

'I would, hadn't I been waiting here for the past hour! At this rate I'll be waiting here for months!'

'It's not like I asked you to come!'

'No indeed! Tinwë did!'

'Oh, shut up!'

'You shut up!'

'You shut up!'

'Argh!' I cried out in frustration. Why do I even bother to stay around Elena? Right, the plan. Oh bugger.

'I knew there was something wrong with your masculinity when I met you!'

'I wish I'd left you there to starve!'

'But then again, you're not exactly what they'd call the brightest crayon in the box.' She opened the door. I ignored the comment.

'What took you so long anyway?'

'My room has eleven doors.' I raised an eyebrow.

'So?'

'Never mind. Let's go.'

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

That Mirkwood was dark and damp was nothing new. Even with the shadow of Dol Guldur gone, there was not much light that made it through the treetops. That Mirkwood had actual glades where light did fall freely onto the forest floor _was_ new to me. Behind Thranduil's halls there were several large open spaces, separated by thin lines of trees. These, apparently, were the training grounds of the Wood-elves that lived in or near the halls.

I looked around as Legolas kept babbling about how to hold the knife he'd just given me. Okay, I was helping Tinwë with the plan by keeping Elf-boy busy, but this was just boooooooring. My eyes fell on a basin of water nearby.

'What's that for?' I interrupted him.

'What's what for?'

'That.' I nodded towards the small basin in the shadow of the trees.

'It's to keep the head cool on hot days. Now pay attention.' He sighed.

The next hours I spent listening to what Elf-boy had to say about fighting with knives and trying to get the various moves right. I must say that it's a whole lot harder than it looks. Then I had to take on the Elf as final training. I so got my butt kicked. If I ever encounter orcs again, I'm chopped liver.

After that we took a short break to eat something and recover strength. That is, I ate something and rested; Elf-boy didn't seem to need it. I longed for a bath. It was a hot day and I'd gotten very sweaty from all the training. I wished I could take something off. Just when I remembered the basin of water, Legolas decided to continue with archery.

I listened carefully as he explained things to me; it might prove useful if I ever get home and challenge Jason again. I looked even more careful as Legolas set an arrow to the string, pulled back, aimed and shot. Bull's eye. Not fair! He repeated this a couple of times and whilst watching I realized how damn sexy he was when he did that... gorgeous Elf assassin...

Bad girl! Bad! You're taken! Bloody married! To Tinwë! Not Legolas! But Legolas has the sexy spikes... and Legolas also has the bigger ego! And the bigger- what? Oh, you perv! Not good, so not good... it's the sun. I've been out in the sun too long. Yeah, that's gotta be it.

'Enjoying the sight?' Legolas grinned cheekily, as if having guessed my thoughts. My face flushed; I looked away. Physical attraction to one's arch-enemy can be quite annoying, I can tell.

'Yeah, I really enjoy having my eyes burn away at a horrible sight like you.'

'Well at least you also enjoy having your cheeks burning.' He replied. Stupid, selfish, stuck-up, evil, annoying, arrogant, retarded, rude, low-life, lame excuse for a sexy- oh, shoot me now. Please.

'Let's just get this training over and done with.'

He smirked. 'Sure. Whatever you desire, _théleth_.' He winked. Maybe it's better if I just don't look at him anymore. He's up to something, _turon han apacena_. I took up the bow that had been made ready for me. That it was very light amazed me. When you're used to doing archery in the normal world you'll know that, unlike what is stated in the average fictional story (where the author knows nothing about archery whatsoever), a bow weighs more than a handful of pebbles.

Legolas sat down in the shadow of the trees and leaned against a trunk as he watched me get used to the bow I had been given. I ignored him and concentrated on hitting the target some fifty feet ahead of me. Occasionally Legolas gave some directions, but he didn't actually move from his spot in the shadow while I was sweating terribly in the hot summer sun. lazy Elf with his lazy bum...

After about half an hour Legolas let out a sigh, and apparently he was sweating too- do Elves even do that?- because he wiped some off of his forehead. I walked to the target to retrieve my spent arrows. Just when I walked back to practice some more, I saw Legolas taking off his tunic. I blinked. He was now half naked. I swallowed. God he looks good. I blinked again and remembered my marital status. Right. I focused on archery again as Legolas began to splash water from the basin onto his torso.

Keeping pure thoughts. Arch-enemy. Biggest jerk in this universe and my own. Pure thoughts. Don't think of sex with him. Tinwë. Must keep pure thoughts. Legolas has spikes and Tinwë long hair. Pure thoughts. No threesome's! Legolas = arch-enemy. No sex. Clear mind. Lust is a sin. Legolas is sexy. Free thyself of sin. Honestly, who am I kidding?

I looked at the target. I'd fired five arrows and none of them had hit; they were all stuck in the ground. Legolas noticed this and walked towards me, pearl drops of water still on his muscular chest like a vision from a dream- or in my case, a fantasy.

'You're not doing too well, _théleth_.' He said.

'I've noticed.' I replied, trying to sound normal.

'Is something wrong?'

'No, no... I'm fine...'

'You sound a bit odd...' he grinned slightly.

'Do I?'

'Are you sure you're doing fine?'

'Yeah, I'm sure.'

'Your aim is poor.'

'Nothing new. I'm not really a good archer.'

'Then I'll help you improve.' He stepped closer. Don't stare. Concentrate. Think of Tinwë. Married girl. Sexy warrior-Elf assassin. Sin. Lust. Legolas. Curse hormones!

'I don't think I need help.' I answered. The bow slipped from my hands. Oh yeah, I'm doomed. Legolas bent downward and stretched out his arm to pick up the bow; the motion showing off how strong his arms had grown to be after hundreds of years training archery. Or something. At that particular moment I didn't really care about how many years Legolas had trained this skill. He was there, looking good and I could only focus on not drooling all over him. I swallowed again. Legolas had gotten back up in the meantime and was patiently waiting for me to take back the bow he had picked up.

'I think you do.' He tried to hide it, but I still noticed the smirk that flew across his face.

~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~

Elena snatched the bow from my hands and glared at me, but somehow it just wasn't impressive. For a moment I thought of the chamomile-incident, and I wondered just how many of her actions had come from the tea and how many had come from herself. She heeded me no further and drew a new arrow. She set it to the string and made ready to shoot.

'If you shoot like that you'll miss by a mile.' I commented. She ignored me and shot. The arrow missed target and hit the ground just like the previous five had done.

'Go ahead. Say it. Say I told you so.' She scowled. 'Make my bloody day.'

'Let me help you. No one will know.' Come on, let me! Just cooperate with my plan!

'Fine!' she said.

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

As Legolas positioned himself behind me I tried to keep calm. It's only Legolas, the stupid stuck-up no good son of a bitch. Sexy, nonetheless. Okay, I'm actually annoying myself now... Carefully he took off my quiver and- I suppose- he put it on his own back. He stepped even closer; he was standing entirely against me now. Oh God... At that point I lost my grip of reality, in the sense of not being aware of what I was doing. The only thing I knew was the presence of Legolas, his hands on mine to put them in the right positions while he whispered instructions into my ear. Not that I really heard anything of it...

His voice has lovely resonance; it's soft and delicate, melodious and a pleasure to hear. The source of this blessed sound being at barely an inch from your eardrum only makes this effect stronger. He didn't stop speaking, but his words just didn't really get through to me. The idea of his lips almost against my ear was too much for a simple girl like me.

My heart was pounding in my chest and I was breathing deeply in and out, though quietly. My body temperature was rising and it wasn't entirely due to the fact that it was just hot outside. My hands were getting clammy and my throat had long since dried out.

'Elena?' he whispered. 'Are you alright?'

'I'm fine.' A hoarse whisper escaped me. His hand brushed over my cheek and tucked some hair behind my ear.

'It's the heat, isn't it?' he asked. 'Perhaps we should move to a cooler spot.' A gentle nudge told me to walk to the trees, and I did it. I had no control over myself anymore. Once in the shadow I noticed that I had simply dropped the things I'd previously been holding and they were still lying in the grass. Before I had any time to consider this, a certain Elf-prince blocked my view. 'Better?' he was so close again and this time I was turned towards him. It was so tempting to just stretch out my hand and let my fingers run across his chest that it almost hurt. 'Well?'

I mumbled incoherently. Legolas, as a result, stepped closer and leaned in to hear me better. His cheek brushed past mine when he brought his ear as close as possible to my lips without the two touching. I tried to keep my breath under control.

'I uhm...' 

'Yes?' the answer came from next to my ear. I realized that I only slightly had to turn my head to kiss him. Tinwë. Married to Tinwë. Legolas is a jerk. Remember that. Once again it was as if he had guessed my thoughts and he moved his head a little, bringing his lips close to mine. His bright blue eyes locked with my brown ones and a cheeky grin crept onto his face. Sexy. He knew what he was doing; he was doing it on purpose.

No. Stop. This was wrong. It was Legolas standing in front of me and I hate him. His soul purpose in life was to make my life miserable, to make me suffer. He hates me, so this doesn't fit into the picture at all. And most importantly; I'm married to his frikkin' twin brother! However tempting it was to kiss Legolas right now, it made no sense. I had the interesting version of him already, so why bother?

I took a step backwards, away from Legolas and the temptation. He wasn't so surprised though and simply stepped closer again. I took another step backwards, then another, but Legolas simply repeated his own actions as well. I tried to take another step, but Legolas grabbed my arm and stepped as close as possible. We were pressed against each other and I was feeling somewhere in-between very uncomfortable and passionate. Hey, don't blame me. With two arms around you it kinda gets hard not to feel things like passion. This was Legolas! I think I'm repeating myself. His cheek brushed past mine again and a chill ran down my spine as goose bumps spread all over my skin.

'Once again, Elena, how are you feeling?' he asked. I only answered with half a sigh; I was speechless and my knees were about to give way. 'You want me, don't you?' he went on. Well, it's considerable, since temptation is erasing all my principles. 'I'm right here. Why don't you?' he sounded inviting, yet challenging as well, teasingly making me go insane... though somehow his voice had this barely traceable menacing undertone. 'Wouldn't you like to let go of everything around you and touch me?' Hell yeah! 'Wouldn't you like to let your lips caress mine and kiss like you've never kissed before?' he moved his head a bit. His lips brushed over my cheek and stopped right before the corner of my mouth. 

My mental status at that point was far from healthy and my limbs just wouldn't listen to reason anymore. My arms wrestled themselves loose (which was fairly easy since Legolas allowed it) and slowly wandered up across his bare chest, admiring it, exploring every square inch. A voice in the back of my head told me to do it, to move my head only half an inch and feel his lips on mine. My limbs gave way to this and slowly I turned my head. Legolas drew back his own a bit.

'I knew you'd do that.' He grinned. Before I knew what was happening he pushed me backwards. Behind me, without me realizing my location, was the basin of water and it turned out to be quite big when I fell into it with a loud splash. Well at least I finally cooled down a bit... In disbelief I looked at Legolas; this was the last thing I'd expected to happen. He smirked. 'This was too easy. You know what they say, Elena. What goes around comes around. You deserve a punishment far worse than this, but I'm not going to waste any more time on that. I've past that level of immaturity. You're nothing but trouble, you bring out the worst in people. I doubt if even Tinwë will be able to stand it for long and I don't think that even he should be stuck with someone like you. Words are even too good to be wasted on you. You're simply not worth it.' With that he turned around and started walking away.

'Hey! Get back! You can't leave me like this!' I shouted. He ignored me and continued walking. I blinked, disbelieving the entire situation. I was struck dumb and for some long moments I just had no words left. And then everything suddenly made sense.

He was right. I'd behaved like a spoilt infant and I'd done some things that were way out of line. Things, so far, had mostly gone my way and I'd been too ungrateful for words to describe it. He'd saved my life once, despite his personal feelings. I could say what I wanted, but no matter what I might say, he would still be the better one of us.

I did bring out the worst in him. Was it not I who had always dealt the first blow? Sure, Legolas had reacted to those things, but it was I who had started them. And what had it led to? Nothing, and nowhere. I caused trouble and unhappiness, I was a nuisance. And Tinwë. He deserved better. The whole marriage was based on an accident, a mistake. No matter how much I'd like to think it and tell myself, there was no love between us. An alliance, maybe, out of mutual hate of Legolas; nothing more. I could say it a million times, but no one in this whole damn world really cared about me. To them I was just someone they'd met once and to them I had no further importance.

Tears started dripping down my face. I was all alone in a savage world, without much hope of ever finding my way home. I made enemies sooner than friends and I had become the victim of my own wrongdoings to others. For the first time in over a month I really thought of home again and I realized just how much I missed it. I missed my family, my friends and even school, I missed my best friend Jason... I would give anything to leave this rotten place and have them back.

Going to Middle-earth had always been a dream to me, but it had turned out to be my worst nightmare. Not everyone- or rather: hardly anyone if not no one at all- really liked me and instead of dreams coming true they were crushed one by one. Hope dissolved into nothing and only bitter loneliness remained. This was what they meant with the aftertaste of vengeance. It shows the true you in a mirror and the image is more horrible than one could ever have imagined. Vengeance shows the truth and the truth is often hardest to deal with. For once one had gotten vengeance, then what? More vengeance from the other side, resulting in more vengeance from you? If things would always go an eye for an eye we'd soon be blind...

I couldn't stay here. I didn't belong here, married to Tinwë or not. I didn't care how, but I'd find my way home somehow even if it meant dying a thousand gruesome deaths. I would walk a million miles all by myself if I had to, but I would make it home. I'll leave as soon as possible. It's best that way.

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E/N: I am sorry this keeps taking me so long. I really am, but I am in my fourth year of high school and it's just a bloody lot of work. Please understand that I can't update as much as I would like to. I also want to thank everyone for their patience with my fic and its rare updates.

Love, peace and a paperclip,

-xxx- Elvea

PS: I currently have a weblog at Xanga (and soon will post first thing on my Livejournal). If anyone would like to read some things about my (fucked up) life, latest projects and reasons why writing takes so long, or is just looking for some entertainment, I suggest you check out 

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Elvea's Elvish Helpdesk. Sort of.

Please note that these phrases took ages to get right. Hard work's been put into them, forgive me if a mistake is made in one or two places. I've spent hours on studying Tolkien's languages, so I know what I'm doing. Be aware that I did not simply copy these phrases from some website but constructed them myself. Please also note that the Grey Company website contains Elven (which is only _loosely_ based on Tolkien's work), not _Elvish_. Phrases found there are not in proper Elvish (although I just _love_ the term mani'oio). Thank you.

maer erin – good morning

turon han apacena (Quenya) – I can sense it

théleth - sister

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Lady Eowyn: Good thing you liked the chapter! And did you really make that much money on one driveway? Wow... gimme the address! (I could use some money, you see.) As for Tinwë's prank... I doubt if Elena would cooperate. But maybe Tinwë is stubborn enough to go on with it alone... he _is_ Legolas' twin, after all...

Lady Aurian: *squeak* The Faramir Action Figure is so cool! Thankies! Am really happy with it! *bounces around stage happily* Thank you so much! Yeah, I'm hyperactive... wonder if waterpolo's gonna be nice tonight... ;)

Elanhin: Thanks for the compliment! I'm glad you enjoy this story so far, and that I could entertain you by going against the cliché. But hey, that's why I'm writing this fic! I hope this was soon enough for you!

Lossie Alqua: Faster than usual still doesn't say too much... I'm trying though, really, I am! If only school didn't require so much time... *sigh* But Lell'ias is a rather cute nickname, isn't it? We should that Gizmo LittleWing for making it up! (See previous chapter.)

ElvenPickle: |:o) They make a cute couple, don't they? But don't worry, this story will not go all mushy-corny-icky-bah. Things will be on a roll again pretty soon, as you may have noticed from Elena's string of thoughts. Elena, btw, is nineteen years old. (It said so in the prologue, but you're not the only one to forget such a detail...) And about the quote... both parties must be willing in the sense of having to be willing to have sex. Rape is not done amongst Elves; it would force them into a marriage and any Elf forced so against the will would simply abandon the body and go to the Halls of Mandos. Rape would be useless. Elves don't go screwing around like that, even though we would all love to see it happen... ;)

Griffinkhan: Hmmm... I think that Legolas and Elena both got more depth through this chapter... which is a good thing, right? And I really think Legolas deserved this bit of fun... or was it unjust and should he die a very slow and gruesome death? *evil laughter* Uh, yeah... never mind that...

lil' odd me: Don't worry about not reviewing lately, it's not like you _have_ to do it... though it would be quite nice. |:o) Maybe Endy is indeed scared of you because of Wisdom... in any case, we should _really _be getting her to write again... it's getting to me! You're not the only one who thinks Tinwë and Elena are a perfect match! I think they're a nice couple...

Ril-gania: I'm so relieved Orli got over his wanting-to-kill-me phase and would enjoy the new bits. I think he most certainly will enjoy reading _this_ chapter... it might increase his ego quite a bit though... oh well. And do you still want to kill him for the ski trip? Hmmm... I could think of some stuff... *wicked grin*

Videl-14: Thank you for your, uhm... *looks back* 5 reviews... I think it's really nice that you bothered to review almost everything. |:o) Have a clown smiley. Ah hell, have another one! |:o) Two for the price of one, so to say... if Legolas has a thing for Elena? Freud might have a nice psychology behind his thoughts. In any case they'd make a very interesting couple.

Oasisrocker: Cool that I managed to make up an Elf and people like him better than Legolas, even though they know what Legolas is like more than what Tinwë is really like... I like him as well... he's rather different from the other Elves... not everyone hates Legolas though, only Tinwë and Elena. The others just think that Legolas could adjust his behavior a bit and subtly try to say that by helping out Elena. He still has plenty of friends, so don't worry about him! I'm glad you enjoyed the wedding; I was afraid it might be a little mushy. Thanks for the review!

Apolena Soleil: Well I promised that this wouldn't be a Legomance, so I think I managed quite nicely. It's good to see that the wedding worked out nicely, Tolkien didn't leave too many details about elvish weddings so I had to improvise a lot. It was a good exercise though! =)

Lizzy~beth: The reason I don't put the translations right behind the elvish is because it disturbs the flow of reading. I don't use a lot of it, so I don't think it's much of a problem. Thank you for pointing out though! I'm happy about you liking the Legolas-torture. It's great fun to write!

Gizmo LittleWing: Great review, as always! Very useful. |:o) Elena's song _was _really cruel, and Lell'ias was isolated quite a bit that night. Keep in mind though that it was a tipsy (and rather giggly) elvish crowd, meaning that they're merrier and sooner to a laugh. Our beloved princeling won't loose any friends over it, don't worry. Love how you relate it to Gollum! The newfound couple is cruel all over, I admit. But Legolas is a grown Elf- he can take care of himself. As was shown in this chapter, I might add. And maybe they _both_ feel attraction (explaining how Legolas could be so incredibly creative with the way of taking vengeance) but now a marriage stands in the way. And I've been nice enough on Lell'ias, right? I do think this made Elena a more sympathetic character again. And if this doesn't, next chapter will for sure.

Witchmaster: Next to Arwen, Elena has got to be the luckiest bitch of all! Okay, so it was an accident- SHE MARRIED A FRIKKIN' LEGOLAS-CLONE!!! So unfair.

The Whisperer: Legolas' nickname was Lell'ias, made up by Gizmo LittleWing who kindly allowed me to borrow it in this fic. It's really not a big deal you got the Indonesian wrong, you didn't know any better. Besides, you learned something new now! |:o) I really lost the file twice, and yes, I did feel like giving up but then I realized I'd disappoint all the readers so I wrote on anyway. I lost every copy of the file I had- even the backups. Maybe I have a virus on my comp somewhere... it really delays my writing... *sigh* oh and hroä and fëa means "body" and "spirit", and yes, you are allowed to say that you're jealous. (Aren't we all?)

chocolat elf: Glad to see that you like Elena and Tinwë as a couple! As to what they will do... _if_ they go on with the plan, it'll be good. |:o)

ola: Yes, the sex=marriage thing is true. It says so in Morgoth's Ring... tsk, tsk, reading fics instead of studying... bad girl, bad! Oh well, I guess I should feel flattered, so I'll just go and do that! Being eldest of a twin doesn't make you a stiff boring person (and were you suggestion that Legolas _is_ one? ;)). I'm tryng to post as much as I can! *hugs back*

AnGeLiC dEvIl: Heheh, I hope your dad didn't get too angry with you when he found out you printed it all! And the thought of Elves liking sex is a rather nice one, isn't it? Oh and thanks for the compliment, it's really nice reading such things! And yes, the blue eyes are a part of the plot- it will be back.

danceing fae: This chapter took even longer... *blushes* Sorry, I didn't mean it. Thanks for the compliment, I'm glad I'm still doing Legolas fangirls a favor with this! Tinwë can be really cool, yes... and as for Elena being Legolas' sister in law- a lot of opportunities there... =D

Kat: I suppose Tinwë was a brilliant solution indeed... it was really getting a hinder without him... *thanks daddy Eru for Tinwë* You can borrow him for daydreams any time, no price involved! I don't think you can copyright those, though... Elena is a disaster in remembering where to go, I have to admit... but it's quite a funny sight picturing it... good heavens, I'd laugh my ass off if they made a film out of _this_... hey, I'm the author... if they'd do that, they'd probably cast Orli for Legolas, meaning that I get to meet him! *squeal* I'd rather meet Elijah though... oh well. *dreams off for a bit* Thanks for the compliments on the descriptions, I was hoping they'd work out! And turning hwer hair to normal was the least I could do. See? I'm doing a good thing, for both the fans AND Legolas! If Legolas has less fans, he'll have a bigger chance of safety! Gee, aren't I nice? And I really don't mind long reviews, they're great to read and are nicer than "u r great" posts. Those don't say a lot. Btw- thanks for reviewing Cloaked Rivalry, and thanks for the compliment!

Penance: heheh, funny to see what you were waiting for Elena to say- it had me cracking up for a moment! The song was funny, but also a bit evil (from Legolas' perspective, that is). Oh well, he got even so we don't have to feel sorry!

LBFREAK: The bunyuns? What are those? The Diabolical PlotBunnies of Doom™? Or something else? Tell! Glad you like my version of Legolas, and of course that you like Tinwë!

Skylar: Heheh, yes, I do possess my own form of magic... (Goddess of Good and Vengeance, ahem) Thank you for your reviews, it's really nice to read them! I hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much as the rest.

Kazle: |:o) *dances around like a maniac* I'm brilliant! I'm brilliant! Uh, yeah... never mind that... Legging-las is something my kid sister came up with though! Glad that you like the nickname, and I hope you liked this bit as well. Took me damn long enough!


	10. Homeward Bound

IOHITF – WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!

E/N: I know, I know... this took me another age... I am truly sorry. But only one part of it was my fault. The other part was my computer being a first class bitch on me. So yeah, it's all been quite a mess. But I'm done now, so yay for me. Or something. Glad I'm done too, as will now have some quiet for a while. In other words; a week of quiet before people start nagging that my next update is taking too long. *blushes* Sorry...

Love, peace and a paperclip,

-xxx- Elvea

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there! 

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This chapter is dedicated to J.R.R. Tolkien, for he deserves to be mentioned. If it wasn't for him and his brilliant ideas we'd never even heard of Middle-earth, hobbits or Legolas for that matter, and I'd never be writing this fic. So I wish to dedicate this chapter for him, because he was what inspired me to write and he deserves the credit for creating a fascinating world like this one in here.

Random insanity of the author: Flirting's like sport; when you do it right you get good exercise.

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"As their eyes became used to the dimness they could see a little way to either side in a sort of darkened green glimmer. Occasionally a slender beam of sun that had the luck to slip in through some opening in the leaves above, and still more luck in not being caught in the tangled boughs and matted twigs beneath, stabbed down thin and bright before them. But this was seldom, and it soon ceased altogether. (...) There was no movement of air down under the forest-roof, and it was everlastingly still and dark and stuffy. (...) The nights were the worst. It then became pitch-dark - not what you call pitch-dark, but really pitch: so black that you could really see nothing." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 8; Flies and Spiders)

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Chapter 9 – Homeward Bound

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~*~ Tinwë's POV ~*~

When I returned to the halls with father and our company it was nigh on dusk. The hunt had been fruitful and tonight's banquet would be a marvelous feast. Everything outside was quiet; the forest was getting ready for another pitch-black night.

Dismounting quickly I left Rochír to the stable-boy and headed for my quarters, where I expected my lady to be awaiting me. I entered the main bedroom but she wasn't there; there was only silence.

'Elena? Are you here?' No answer. Where could she be? She wasn't in her separate bedroom either. Maybe Legolas would know... I walked to his part of the royal wing and knocked on the door of his study.

'Who is it?'

'Tinwë.'

'Come in.' I entered the room. Legolas was reading some big book, he had laid it in front of him on the desk. Some loose sheets of paper lay beside it, scribbled full with Legolas' neat and organized handwriting.

'Did all go well today?' I asked.

'Most certainly.'

'So you enjoyed yourself?'

'Oh yes.' He smiled without looking up from the book he was reading. I eyed him suspiciously.

'How so?'

'I think I managed to teach Elena a lot today.'

'Great. Do you know where she is now?'

'I last saw her on the training ground.'

'You left her there?'

'She was using the basin to cool down.'

'I see.'

'Have you tried the dining hall? She was quite hungry.'

'I'll try that.' I left the studied and headed towards my new destination. On my way there I ran into Galion.

'My lord, shouldn't you be getting changed for the banquet? By Elbereth, you are still wearing your riding garment!'

'In a moment. I'm looking for-'

'Aranel Elena? She's with the seamstress.'

'But-'

'I have to go sir, I have some things to see to.' He disappeared around the nearest corner.

'Yeah, the wine cellars.' I whispered.

'I heard that!'

Why would Elena be with the seamstress? She's got more than plenty of dresses already! I turned and once more headed for a new goal. Hopefully she was still in the same place, or I could search for her forever... She was just exiting the seamstress' chamber when I got there.

'There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!'

'Oh.' she replied. A moment of silence followed. 'I'm sorry about that. Did the hunt go well?' she sounded somewhat formal and a little distant.

'It went well. I almost got the white stag!'

'Almost?'

'I wasn't paying attention to where I was riding. I hit my head on a branch.'

'It must run in the family. Men...'

'What do you mean, "men"? Is that some kind of insult?' Elena raised an eyebrow, then smirked and stuck out her tongue.

'Nago nin.'

I grinned. 'Dabon i iest.'

'Gwig...'

'Gadathon le an tó!'

'Estelion...'

'Hé dú.'

'Berethon le. Gado nin... ir turich...'

'Noro ir turich.'

'I'm wearing a dress, Tinwë. I'll fall.'

'Then undress.'

'Men!'

'You're repeating yourself.' I grinned again.

'Die a thousand slow and gruesome deaths with lumps and festers.' She stomped off. What was that all about? Women...

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

First Legolas, now an ignorant husband. Arg! He didn't even *ask* how my day has been! Shitty, obviously. But nooo... Tinwë only thinks of himself and what *he* wants, and is only attempting to be funny when it is merely annoying. Another thing that runs in the family. Thank the Valar that I didn't marry Legolas instead of Tinwë.

I stopped walking; I had no idea where I was. Again. You know, GPS would come in really handy right now...

'Why did you do that? Why did you have to stalk off like that?' I turned around. Tinwë. Figures.

'Go away.'

'And leave you here, lost?'

'I'm not lost.'

'No?'

'I just don't know my exact whereabouts at the moment.'

He smirked. 'You're lost.'

'Go away.'

'As you wish.' He started walking away.

'Wait!'

'That was predictable.'

'Silence, Elf. I'm only saying this because I need to get back to my quarters-'

'_Our_ quarters.'

'My quarters. I'm still cross with you.'

'Of course.' He resumed walking and I followed, hating myself for being so dependant on everyone else in this world. When we got to our- _my_ quarters I immediately entered my private room and slammed the door behind me, hoping that Tinwë would take the hint and leave me alone. The two handmaids that were present in my room (to clean up or whatever it is handmaids do- I never bothered to pay attention to my history teacher when he spoke of the different stances in the Middle Ages. Boooooring...) looked up at me in shock. Tinwë entered the room and dismissed them.

~*~ Tinwë's POV ~*~

'Tell me what's wrong.' I demanded.

'Nothing's wrong.'

'Something's wrong, or you'd be behaving differently.'

'Go away.'

'What happened?'

'I said: go away!'

'Not until you tell me what happened.'

'Leave me alone!'

'I won't.'

'What are you, my mother?'

'It's about Legolas, isn't it?' She didn't answer. 'What did he do? Did he hurt you? If he did, I'll-'

'He didn't hurt me.'

'Then what did he do?'

'Nothing.'

'Don't lie to me, Elena.'

'I'm sorry, _mother_.'

'Elena...'

'Nothing happened, okay?'

I studied her face for a moment. She was very upset over something, that much was clear to me. But she also seemed afraid of something, and sad. Her eyes were continuously looking far off, as if she missed something very much and tried to feel more complete by thinking about it. I started to understand.

'Was it something he said to you? What did he say?'

'Nothing! Just leave it!'

'Did he shout at you? Called you names? Did he-'

'What part of "nothing" don't you understand?'

'Fine. If you won't tell me, I'll go and ask Legolas.' She glared at me. 'Unless, of course, you _do_ have something to say.'

'Fine.'

~*~ Thranduil's POV ~*~

Being king can require a lot of energy, being really a full-time job. Being the father of three children as a bonus can be even more exhausting, for it is also a permanent responsibility. Especially when two of the tree children happen to be Legolas and Tinwë...

'I hear you spent your day with wendë elena.'

'I tutored her in archery and the wielding of knives.'

'Did you enjoy yourself?'

'Quite.'

I raised an eyebrow. 'How so?'

'Oh, no particular reason...' Legolas fidgeted with the papers lying in front of him.

'Are you sure? Nothing unusual happened?'

'Not really unusual, no. Why should something unusual have happened?'

'Because apparently you and wendë elena had a nice day together. That is unusual.'

'I don't know about her...' he mumbled.

'Hi man agorech?' I demanded.

'Alnad...'

'Cannan le nara nin.' He avoided my gaze, knowing that he couldn't escape. It was as if he were a mere elfling again, having done something naughty together with Tinwë. Legolas and Tinwë. The deliquescent duo. Slowly the story started rolling out, he carefully considered nearly every word. Out came the confession of a very cruel act.

Goheno nin, ada...' he whisered when he finished.

'I knew it had something to do with you.' A voice similar to that of Legolas came from behind me. Tinwë glared at Legolas. Legolas looked away, not knowing how to face his merely hours younger brother. 'Are you even aware of the damage you've done? Do you even realize how fragile the spirit of Men can be? How far do you plan to go, Legolas? Until she breaks?' Legolas did not reply. Not even an apology coming right from his heart would do for Tinwë now. 'I thought you to be a bit more mature and wiser than this.' Tinwë turned around and exited the room. Legolas sighed softly.

'He is right, ion nîn, you did go too far...'

'So did she. She humiliated me in front of all people dear to me! Did she not deserve to be punished?'

'That is not yours to decide, Legolas. Your task was to help her find her way home, not something else. If she chooses to stay her, your task is ended. If she wants too leave... it is your task to take her where she wishes to be.'

'Why? Why me? Why not Tinwë?'

'You have been given this task, not Tinwë. It will all be clear before it all ends.'

'Before what ends? Father, how do you know?'

'Has the foresight of your people abandoned you?'

'I don't understand...'

'There is a bigger picture that your eternal strife with wendë elena. In that picture you were appointed to do your task. Punishing her, however, is not a part of it.'

'So we were, in a way, meant to meet?'

'Of course. If not, someone else would have found her.'

'But why me? Why not someone who can actually stand her sickening pride and annoying comments?'

'I cannot tell. But I think that you have more to discuss with Tinwë and wendë elena right now rather than with me. Be careful with the words you choose.' I left the study, leaving Legolas to ponder over my words.

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

I woke up all alone in a king-size bed. It somehow felt wrong, and I felt alone. But it was really my own fault. When he returned from his little audience with Legolas and wanted to talk I had shouted at him until he finally left me alone and went to the banquet alone. I didn't care about rules and whether or not it would look odd; I didn't feel like going so I didn't. it's as simple as that. He didn't bother to try to talk to me after dinner. He knew it wouldn't help anyway. So we slept separated. 

Stupid marriage. I couldn't wait to leave this whole bloody world and be rid of all my troubles. After I had taken my decision on the training ground I immediately went back inside and asked a maid for help. She had helped me into a clean dress and had directed me to the quarters of the seamstress. There I had asked for riding clothes of my size and she had immediately started on them. I had then sent the maid away so she could help me to food and other necessities for a long journey. She had neatly packed all things for me and I was pretty much ready to go. All I had to do was to pick up my clothes at the seamstress' and then I would be off. If I played it smart, they wouldn't notice my absence until somewhere in the afternoon. By that time I'd be a nice way ahead of possible pursuers.

A knock on my door interrupted my train of thoughts.

'Who is it?'

'Tinwë.'

'Go see if I'm outside.' Tinwë took the hint and silently left me. That, or he's a blonde for a very good reason. Very few moments later another knock followed. 'What _now_?'

'I'm deeply sorry to disturb, aranel,' Galion's voice came from outside, 'but I was sent to get you and take you to your lessons.'

Great, just great. They sent me an escort. Wait a minute... lessons? Not breakfast? What time is it anyway? 'I'll be right there!' I grumbled. Why can't anything ever go according to plan?

I picked a dress that looked easy enough to put on by my own and quickly put it on. Not being able to find my hairbrush in the black hole that was my room I left my hair a mess and simply stepped outside. Galion blinked at me, but said nothing and bowed, then he started walking.

~*~

I stared at the endless bookshelves full of giant books and countless scrolls. So this was the royal library. Big. Right now an Elf named... Eru, I don't even remember the guy's name- right now some Elf was instructing me on the ways of the Elves, their laws and their history. Yawn. He had also attempted to teach me more Sindarin that the apparently measly bit I knew already but he had failed. It was a far more complicated language when you had an instructor who _did_ know every single rule on grammar and spelling, unlike at home. My scribbling in Tengwar was also awful and untidy, he said. Pfffffffrth.

I dipped my pen in the ink and drew random patterns on the sheets of paper meant to take notes and practice writing on. My teacher had forbidden me to use the script I had learned at home (the Latin script, like all Western countries) and wanted me to write in Tengwar to practice the different letters. Needless to say that apart from the drawings the sheets were rather empty.

The Elf frowned at me and took my pen. 'If you're not using the ink for useful things, then don't use it at all. Aranel.' He said icily. He appeared to be the blond version of professor Snape, but then more handsome. Still a pain in the ass though.

He went on and on with his story and for a moment I believed that this was a punishment; that they'd leave me here forever. Fortunately at that moment the maid that had helped me pack yesterday appeared to pick me up. It was time for dinner.

As soon as we were out of the library she started talking to me.

'If you still wish to leave, aranel, then this is your last chance. Nearly everyone is having dinner right now, they won't notice you leave...'

'Thank you. Could you run an errand for me?'

'Naturally.'

'I need my clothes from the seamstress, could you fetch them for me? I'll be in my quarters.'

'Are you sure you'll find them?'

'I'll manage. Now hurry, please.' Off she was, without further comments.

It seemed that things would still go my way after all, for I found the way back to my room at once. I sat down on my bed and looked around the large room. It could be my new home... no. I didn't want to stay here. I don't even belong here. I noticed a small package on my pillow. There was no note with it, just a small bag. I picked it up and opened it. It contained a small jug and in that jug I found resin, dried up. Tinwë must have left this on my bed then, for the plan for last night had involved sticky resin and Legolas' chair. I looked for my pack and stuffed it in. It might still be useful. But why Tinwë had left it for me to find was a mystery.

The maid entered my room, carrying a small pile of clothes in her arms. She helped me change into them and laid the dress on my bed. Silently she then directed me to the stables, where my horse- well it was mine now- had been saddled. She wished me a safe journey and disappeared.

This was it. The last stage. I'd be home soon. If I was lucky I'd make it to Rivendell in less than two months, and from there- home! I'd finally be rid of Legolas and finally I'd be out of this stinky, crappy world I had once so admired. There's no place like home. I attached my pack to my saddle, as the maid (and probably someone else as well) had seen to it that I had arms with me for the road. A bow, a full quiver and a long knife with a scabbard made for it. I took no time to admire them and quickly arrayed them so that they wouldn't get in the way during the ride.

Just as I was about to mount, my luck changed again. The neighing of a horse could be heard outside and not much later the head of a great white stallion and the head of an arrogant Elf prince appeared in front of me. Damn. Why didn't they warn me that he was out for a ride?

'Just where do you think you are going?' he asked.

'Away.'

'Does anyone know?'

'No.'

'Will you come back?'

'No.'

'Isn't that quite improper, to just leave without saying goodbye to your dear ones, your husband? Your lord and king who has been too kind for you? Isn't it insulting to leave without thanking for the hospitality?' it sounded like a Gestapo hearing, and obviously was meant to make me feel guilty. Unfortunately for Legolas it wasn't working.

'I'm sure you'll thank them in my place. You even get to hear the words personally. After all, you are the one who made me feel really welcome, more so than the others.' I said icily. Bull's eye, he looked downward. Then he looked up and glared at me.

'You're not going anywhere.'

'I do as I please.'

'You're my prisoner.'

'I'm a princess now, Legolas. And whether you like it or not, that makes me your equal. In fact, in this case it makes you my brother, though only by marriage. And you know just as well as I do that you lost your claim to call me your prisoner. Get out of my way, I have a long road to travel still.'

'A title on its own will not make you my equal that easily. You are still mortal and you are still less fair and wise than the Elves. Nay, we are a long way from equal. I am a prince by descent, you are a princess because you were drunk and my brother an idiot. That is still a difference.' I glared at him. Stupid Elf.

'Fine. Now beat it. I wish to leave.'

'Not without me. You are my prisoner.'

'I am not.'

'Even if you're not, you'd die within half a day after you leave these stables, for you do not know the way through the forest alone. You'd be eaten by spiders or suffer some other horrible fate. However tempting it is to let you go on your own and never see you again, I made a promise and I will hold to my word.'

'Oh why can't I just be _rid_ of you?' I shouted. 'Do me a favor: walk to Mordor and STAY THERE!'

He yawned. 'It's getting late. We should be going, or leaving has no use anymore tonight. The sooner we leave, the better.' He turned his horse.

'Don't you need supplies?' I asked. He pointed at a pack attached to his saddle. 'Oh.' Apparently he was just ready for anything.

'Follow me closely, the forest is very dark this time of night, and it will get even darker yet. Don't turn left or right when I don't tell you to, don't speak aloud, make no noise in general and most importantly-'

'...do not get of the road.' I ended his sentence. Hobbit anyone? 

'Silence.'

Oh, sod it. The Valar hate me, I swear they do.

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E/N: Ladeeda, am done now. Just wanted you to know that I have a livejournal at livejournal.com and that you might want to check back on it for either notes on what's taking so long or simply random ramblings about my oh-so-interesting life. Ahem.

Love, peace and a paperclip,

-xxx- Elvea

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Elvea's Elvish Helpdesk. Sort of.

Please note that these phrases took ages to get right. Hard work's been put into them, forgive me if a mistake is made in one or two places. I've spent hours on studying Tolkien's languages, so I know what I'm doing. Be aware that I did not simply copy these phrases from some website but constructed them myself. Please also note that the Grey Company website contains Elven (which is only _loosely_ based on Tolkien's work), not _Elvish_. Phrases found there are not in proper Elvish (although I just _love_ the term mani'oio). Thank you.

Nago nin - bite me

Dabon i iest - I allow that wish

Gwig - men

Gadathon le an tó - I'll get you for that

Estelion - I hope

Hé dú - tonight

Berethon le. Gado nin ir turich - I dare you. Catch me if you can

Noro ir turich - Run while you can

Hi man agorech - what did you do now

Alnad - nothing

Cannan le nara nin - I order you to tell me

Goheno nin, ada - forgive me, dad(dy) / forgive me, father

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IMPORTANT NOTE: Due to the increasing amount of reviews with every chapter (for which I am truly very, very grateful) I can no longer write very long responses to the reviews left for me. I do not want to quit it entirely though, because it's been part of this fic from the start and you readers are really a source of inspiration. Therefore I shall continue the responses, but only a few lines each, also because it simply delays the updates otherwise. If you really want a lengthy discussion you can still e-mail me, talk to me over MSN or leave a message for me at my livejournal. I really appreciate and enjoy reading the comments.

Ariach: Phew... quite the fangirl, eh? I used to be like you when I was a newbie on ff.net, but unfortunately I simply don't have much time to read other stories anymore (nor to look for them, for that matter). If you like you can leave a recommendation... But please, don't hunt me down and turn me into anything unnatural... I'll be a good author, really!

Zenera: Thank you for the compliment / review. Was this update soon enough?

Raphael the Andromeda: *blushes* Okay, that was sweet. You wrote me a song, sort of. I thanked you on my livejournal, but I don't think you read that so I'll just thank you again. Thank you, it was really nice. I hope you enjoyed the new chapter as well.

donna: Well, you got your answer... and yeah, imagine the twins... why d'ya think I wrote them in the first place? ^_~

MornieUtule: Glad you like it so much. I'm not a real Legolas fangirl myself, but yeah, he's cute... and I think that right now Elena and Legolas are 50-50, at least to cruelties... right?

Aries28: The prank Legolas has to survive is yet to come, although you may have an idea now as to what it might be. Aiye, Leggings could end up in his boxers- the elven equivalent of those, that is. But not because he really _wants_ to... *snicker* Concerning the marriage: unless I go against the canon as Tolkien left it for us, there is NO loophole. They're stuck. Elena, however, could still get married in our world though, because for obvious reasons her marriage with Tinwë is not registered here. If she does it is another story. Thank you for reviewing!

Oasisrocker: Amazing... I thought that everyone would agree with Legolas (because I think he had the right to do to Elena what he did), but apart from you pretty much everyone thinks he was a total asshole. Heh. I did the impossible. I created a total bitch of a character, a really impossible person (seriously, if I ever met her I'd probably be strangling her in frustration after an hour) and made her do a stupid thing to her lust object. She then behaves even worse, bitches more, crosses the line and keeps moving further away from it... and all the readers feel sorry for her and think Legolas an ass! Yay me!

Murr: Honestly, do you think that Legolas and Elena- even IF they ever were stupid enough to even _kiss_- would be able to stand the idea of giving up the fight before the other has really surrendered? They're both too stubborn for that... and then there's still this little elfling called Tinwë. He may not be with Elena, but they're still married. And yes, Legolas + spikes = yumm... more conflicts (heaps, even) are on their way, I promise!

Witchmaster: Would you be happy with a clone when you got married for a whole different reason than love? And how would you like being the only mortal in an all-Elf community when you know nothing about their ways et cetera (and are not even capable of finding the way to any place on your own, in other words completely dependant)? Would you still want to stay if you've been through a very crappy 1,5 month and you even nearly died? I think I'd want nothing else than to go home, drop-dead gorgeous husband or not. Well, did I change your mind?

Frodo's Girl: Elena has a tendency to being an evil bitch, yes. But Legolas knows quite the amount of pranks as well... neither can be considered innocent, I think. Hope you liked the new chappie!

Insane Person of the Darkness (cool name!): Thanks for the little chit-chat about good quality. It'd better be good if I take this long, eh? I'm afraid Tinwë stays in Mirkwood on his own, unless he can still somehow convince Elena to stay, meaning he'd have to come after her. =P You'll just have to wait and see.

The Whisperer: Yes, Legolas had the intention to give Elena a piece of his mind in that way. Quite cruel, but not entirely undeserved, I think. Don't beat him up just yet, I still need him to get through Mirkwood alive. I have no use for a near-dead Legs. We'll see if he can conquer the pride and apologise. I will not, however, translate the Sindarin ficlet in the last chapter. The rating'd go way up, and it's not really all that important. Have you tried Ardalambion? It has a very extensive work on all Elvish languages. Check it out here: 

dragonmage: kewl, someone actually _worships _my fic... *eyes all glazed over* I am feeling so superior right now... ahem. Don't mind me. Very big ego, you see? Legolas' Big Ego Syndrome (LBES) seems to be rather contagious... but I'm not the one you should turn to if you want Legolas. If you want him, go to the nearest Interdimensional Portal™ and hunt him down. Bring some cherries for the journey as well. Sound like a plan? I'm glad you enjoyed the speech. I feared I0d made it a bit too long, but people like it. Thanks for the compliments. Just one thing: ...wisdomosity? Did you learn that word whilst listening to one of Bush's speeches, or do you just like odd words?

ElvenPickle: faster than a Mary Sue onto Legolas... heh. I like that one. I think I'll keep it and use it somewhere, someday. If you don't mind, that is. I think it's brilliant! *blushes* I did my best to make the hormone-common sense argument work out, I'm glad that you think it bore good fruit. It took me bloody long enough! Bad Elvy, bad! But don't worry about the fic going all mushy, corny and soap-operish. I'd shoot myself sooner than to let that happen.

Lizzy~beth: Yes, I believe that depressingly is a word. I promise not to quit this story before the end. In fact, I have an idea in my head for a sequel (if it's appreciated) but I want to finish this story first and see if I still believe in the idea. I wouldn't want the sequel to be less good than the original. I am also considering to write one or more small ficlets about the childhood of the twins. Legolas and Tinwë... before Elena. DUMDUMDUM!!! Uh, right... hope that you still enjoy my lil' ficlet!

Vardalothwen: Heheh... sorry if my little scene made you a little shaky... if it's any comfort: you certainly weren't the only one. Heh. My beta practically drooled over her keyboard... *snicker* About Legolas and Elena... well, Elena used to be a fangirl, and her Inner Luster (if I may borrow Miss Cam's wonderful term) is still there, ready to strike. So physically she is still attrackted, even though she still thinks Legolas to be an ass. As to our oh-so-beloved Prince... now that would be telling!

Kat: Muha! My chapter was powerful! I am powerful! I am almighty! Uh, right... LBES (see dragonmage's response for meaning of abbreviation) kicking in again... I really do think that Elena deserved it, even when it was a bit crueller than necessary. For Tinwë's actions I fear you have to wait until the next instalment, I wouldn't want to spoil the fun. *is picturing scene with Legolas seducing Elena again* Mmmm... yes, quite sexy indeed... gorgeous and seductive... maybe a bit evil, but he has the sexy spikes so who cares? ^_~ Sorry if I'm causing troubling daydreams or injuries from falling out of chairs. Whether Legolas hates Elena too much... there's a fine line between love and hate, and if people really hate each other they simply avoid each other. After all, why waste time on them? They're not worth it. So if they _do_ keep meeting and arguing, there is something in the subconscience they're not aware of. This does not mean, however, that it is always love.

*wipes sweat off forehead* This short-reply thing isn't really working... they're still quite long... *sigh*

Gizmo LittleWing: Well, you know what I think of the review you left me. Quite useful, as always! Thankies! Am anxious to read your comments on this chapter, as it promises to be great fun already. Elena's thoughts will not take the primary part of the story, though. I describe things the way you would see them yourself, the way you would pay attention to them. In normal situations you don't pay attention to each motion, each thought. But in that particular situation you notice every little move... so I describe that. Besides, you have to admit that you quite enjoyed picturing it all. ^_~

Butterfly: Feel free to put my story up on your website; I'd be flattered. Could you give me the URL of the website so I can check it out? I hope you enjoyed the new installment!

skylar: doing my best, as always! I can only be happy that my best is still satisfactory! Thanks for reviewing once again!

ElvenWeirdo: I can't answer that question in full, but for a slight psychological explanation check out Kat's reply. Thanks for your review(s)! (pressed button twice?)

JeanB: Aww, that's nice of you to say. Dammit, I'm running out of ways to thank you guys. You people are great! I can only say that I'm very thankful for all of your comments. Hope you enjoyed this!

Chocolat Elf: If a portal like that existed, I'd be long gone... alas, I am stuck here, and therefore I write. For myself and of course you guys. Maybe you should just do your best with Physics and make a portal yourself one day... that a good idea?

ola: as stated before, I will not translate the Sindarin, I'm sorry. Hope the weather cleared up in... well, wherever you live. Sorry the update took so long. Am very cross with myself, but can't get my lazy bum to update sooner either... face it, self is a hopeless case... oh yes we are, Precious... we are... never mind that.

Maria: Evil, evil Legolas... but sexy! I like him this way! Besides, Elena isn't really Miss Innocent either...

Cyberwing: glad you enjoy, happy to give you a good laugh. Next chapter will contain more humor, promise!

AnGeLiC dEvIl: learning Sindarin requires a LOT of patience and a lot of time, but once you get past the hard start it's really worth it. Hmmm... My story going poetic... that's a good thing, right?

Videl-14: Elena wanted me to thank you for the cyber-hug, although she was slightly disturbed. Hope this chapter was equal to the others. I'll try to update faster next time. (Now where have we heard that before?)

Mellon: I made him an ass because I simply don't believe that he's as perfect as your average Mary Sue. I wanted him to be more human. That and he annoys me, so I want to return the favor.

danceingfae: *smiles* you went red in the cheeks? What is it with you Legolas fans and not being able to read a scene like that without going bananas? Hmmm... *scratches chin thoughtfully- yes, I really do that* Maybe because it's a very accurate description of your average fantasy? Sorry. Hope this, yet again, long wait was also worth it.

ithinkineedanewname: no, the fic is only halfway, if my guess of the story's length is accurate. After all, Elena is journeying with Legolas and we both know that such a thing can cause major delays. They are so hopeless... *sigh*

Kazle: First of all, thanks for the comment on my lj. As a matter of fact, when you left that comment I was just sending this chapter to my beta. What a sense of timing! You're not the only one that had this O.O expression when seeing the Sindarin, though. Thanks for all the compliments, though you should be careful with calling me things such as brilliant. I have LBES (see dragonmage's) and am very sensitive to that sort of thing, you see. I'll forgive you the babbling. I quite enjoy long reviews like yours!

Black Pearl: We all love Evil Legolas. Yes we does, Precious, we does... O.O Anyway. He got his lecture, and he's sure to get more than his share thrown back at him before the end, I promise.

Alaundriaranel: No, I'm not British at all... I only have a teensy-weensy bit of British blood, and that was waaaay back in my family-tree. I do have relatives and friends in Australia, the US and Britain though; I was also raised with English. That count? I live at the other side of the Channel. Bite me, I live in Holland (although also have very little Dutch blood. Long story, don't ask). 

Anne Holly: Thank you for the review and the well-wish, it's really kind; I greatly appreciate it.

Meggie: |:o) Thanks a lot for bothering to review! I hope you still enjoy the story; tips for improvement are always welcome!

Starlight: Hope you didn't get in trouble with your mom too much! As for our ever-arguing couple... even if they had feelings for each other they'd be too proud to admit. They'd probably be more likely to kill themselves when they find out. And of course Thranduil cares about Elena being mortal, but they were already married; the ceremony was just to undo some of the damage. The reason he accepted is because he realised that it all happened for a reason.

Natzlin: =) Thank you!

Elanhin: Happy to see you enjoyed the update. Well, Legolas is still around so it promises much trouble for the couple. And a lot of fun for us... heheh... *rubs hands together evilly*


	11. Arachnophobia

IOHITF – WARNING!!! Contains Legolas-mocking!!!

E/N: I am truly very sorry that this chapter took me so bloody long... but you see, the thing is... I suddenly got a social life. A very demanding one at that too... Add exam-stress and fear of flunking and you've got a buncha reasons why my update took so much time... (no real good excuse, but still) I passed, by the way. And then there were the times when FF.Net was down or wouldn't allow uploads for anyone... highly frustrating. Anyway, I finished the chapter, so I hope you'll enjoy it. Oh yeah- I drew Chibi Legolas and Chibi Tinwë; they're up in the Hall of Fan Art. Cuteness galore!

Love, peace and a paperclip,

-xxx- Elvea

PS: Don't expect another update within the next four weeks or so. I'm going on a holiday to Spain and will have very little computer access, if any at all...

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that New Line Cinema or Tolkien Enterprises already owns *sobs* and I am not gaining any other profit out of writing this than (positive) reviews and a good laugh when I think of a new cruel way to annoy Legolas. So there. 

__

This chapter is dedicated to Dimi, a very good friend who helped me through some shitty times and got me back to working on things again. Thanks Dimi!

Random insanity of the author: Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

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"Suddenly he saw, too, that there were spiders huge and horriblesitting in the branches above him, and ring or no ring he trembled with fear lest they should discover him." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 8; Flies and Spiders)

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Chapter 10 – Arachnophobia

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~*~ Tinwë's POV ~*~

It's probably just me, but I'll never understand women. You try to be nice to them, treat them well, try to understand and be patient- even if you really only got married by accident- try to love them with all their mistakes, and love them for loving you despite your own mistakes. And then they stomp off, telling you to go tickle Morgoth in his sleep... honestly! 

No wait, that was Legolas when I'd covered all his hair in honey while he had fallen asleep on a little journey through our forest.

He still has a mortal fear of ants.

Either way I just didn't understand why Elena had so many mood swings. So she was female and thus the phenomenon was partly explained, I still could find no reason why _I _should stay away and "go see if she's outside". After all, Legolas was the one who had wronged her, not me. Just because we're twins it's no reason to discriminate.

But mainly I was worried, for neither of them had shown up for dinner. Elena, being in a bad mood and all, I hadn't expected to come in the first place. But Legolas should be back from his ride by now. The absence of them both worried me. I excused myself from the table and quietly headed to my quarters. Elena'd probably be in there, sulking. And the first thing she'd probably do was to throw the jug with resin at my head, followed by a string of insults in various languages that, my humble thanks to Ilúvatar, I did not understand a single word of.

Or she'd jump me and kiss me breathless. She's a woman. They always do what you expect the least. Very nasty habit, that.

I opened the door to my room and knocked on the door to her separate room. She gave no reply. So it was that time again. I sighed. Really. Why didn't I just pretend the "incident" had never happened? I'd still be single and in much, much less trouble. Then again, father would have heard the change in my voice, something that happens to the Eldar once they get married, and there is no cheating in that. And Elena isn't bad at all, when she's in a good mood. _If _she's in a good mood.

Carefully and slowly I opened the door, only to find the room empty. Whether that was a good or a bad thing I had yet to discover. I looked around. The torches illuminating the room gave very little light, they were almost burned out. Might want to make sure they're replaced.

As I slowly started to walk in circles a nasty feeling crept into my veins and spread over my body. Something was terribly wrong, and Elena's absence had something to do with it. I looked towards the bed. The package I'd left for her was gone. I'd hoped the thought of our little scheme would cheer her up, so I'd left it there. And for some reason she'd taken it with her to wherever she was headed.

My fear grew stronger and for the first time in all my ages I felt real panic. She hadn't just gone for a nice walk through the palace, or to get even with Legolas through our scheme. She'd left _permanently_. I jerked the door of the large wooden cabinet open and looked inside. Plenty of dresses in there, that was not the problem. But the clothes from her own world she'd so carefully kept with her were gone, as were the leather riding boots she'd brought from Minas Tirith.

I felt the color leave my face as my suspicions were confirmed. She was gone... she'd run off, without even leaving so much as a note with a goodbye... she'd just run off into the forest and abandoned me...

'So she has left...'

'You knew, didn't you, father?'

'I feared it...'

'How did you know she'd go now... now...'

Father placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. 'I didn't. None of us did. But when I noticed her absence, and when you left rather hurriedly, I realized that this would likely be the moment. I knew I'd find you here in that case. I'm sorry...'

~*~ Thranduil's POV ~*~

'Will she be back? She'll be back, right?' the same words, the same look in his eyes... almost the same as all those years ago, when his _naneth_... He seemed the same elfling again... a sight that nearly broke my heart, and it did even more so when I had to tell him the truth in all its cold and harshness.

'No Tinwë, she won't...' I answered quietly. He shook his head, not accepting the simple reality.

'Does this mean... does this mean that... loneliness? She condemned me to eternal loneliness... never the bliss of marriage, the joyous sound of young elflings creeping under the sheets to hug their _ada _and _naneth_ in the early morning? Never an evening with someone I love truly alone, by a small fire, sitting cuddled up against each other... we could've tried... it could've worked! We could've really loved each other... she never gave it a chance...' I needed to stop his thoughts before they consumed him entirely, they gnawed on him too much...

'She didn't belong here... maybe it is better so. She wouldn't have lived with you for the rest of eternity... losing her now hurts less than having to lose her after years of joy, when you've come to love her like nothing else... you'd be left alone, with only your memories. It was for that very reason that Lúthien chose mortality with Beren over eternity with her kin in Valinor...'

'I don't even _have _any memories with her.'

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

Don't argue with me Elena. Don't mock me Elena. Do as I say Elena. Go to sleep Elena. Don't make so much noise Elena. Don't come near me Elena. Don't shout at me Elena. Don't get off the road Elena. Put down the knife Elena. Don't throw sharp objects at me Elena.

Does Legolas ever stop nagging?

I glared at Legolas, who sat at the other side of the small camp-fire. Of course he'd taken control of everything again, saying he knew better anyway. Gee, what else is new? Stupid elven know-it-all. The only thing he's done so far is commanding me in every way possible; as if the sole purpose in his bloody immortal life had become to order me around. Suffocate him.

We hadn't really spoken to each other apart from "Do this Elena" – "Drop dead, Legolas". Not that we were capable of normal conversation anyway... wish Tinwë had tagged along in his place.

I yawned. Even a thing like just sitting on a horseback and riding slowly for hours can be exhausting in the end, apart from it having been a long day. I got up and walked to where my "bed" had been made. Back to sleeping outside again, I guess, but if I ever wanted to get home again it was worth all the trouble.

~*~

I never had much faith in medieval ways of contraception, but thanking the deities of Middle-earth silently my period had started this morning. Am very relieved, as have no idea how else I would explain being knocked up and my child having rather pointy ears and a tendency to slaughtering ugly things at home. Yay herbs.

Also, seeing as I was in a bad mood, I now had more inspiration on how to annoy Legolas / how to bitch back even bitchier. Heh.

'Where does that path lead to?' I asked, nodding in the direction of a small path leading right from the one we were riding on.

'Away.' Legolas answered.

'Whereto?'

'North from this one.'

'What's north from here?'

'More trees.'

'And what else?'

'More trees.'

'Anything else?'

'Half of Eryn Lasgalen, okay?' he shouted irritably.

'Oh.' I fell silent for a moment. 'Can we go there?'

'No!'

'Okay.' I led my horse onto the northward path. I will not let that stupid Elf command me forever.

'Where do you think you're going?'

'North.'

'Come back!'

'Bite me.'

~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~

A curse upon Elena's stiff neck!

I led Melda onto the path to follow her and get her back. She sped on her own horse and the longer I pursued her the more reckless she would ride, until she left the path altogether. I hope she knocks her head against a branch and falls off. Inbred halfwit of a mortal woman. This isn't a game, it's dangerous! We could run into a whole nest of-

...spiders. _Now_ she's done it. She abruptly halted her horse in the center of the glade where at least thirty of the foul creatures lay sleeping. I halted next to her a moment later but before I could stop her she'd already done the most stupid thing that a person could do in such a situation.

She screamed her lungs out.

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

I have never been afraid of spiders. When I was little I used to let them walk over my hands and arms, I even collected spiders in a box for a while. Until my mother discovered them, that is. And last summer when my family, Jason and I were on a holiday in Brazil I held a tarantula (or whatever the hairy creature's name was, I forgot) on my hand. Never in my entire life did those eight-legged beings scare me. Never. But those were spiders of_ acceptable_ size.

Really, the moment you're surrounded by- by- _zounds_ eight-legged hairy monsters the size of a small van (if not bigger) anyone would change their mind concerning their cuteness-status. In my case that meant screaming.

Which turned out to be quite stupid, because the monsters now woke up. Twice accursed be me and my big mouth!

Within seconds all of the abominations were wide awake, onto their legs and ready to charge. The most disturbing thing however, was that the things talked, as in actually knew how to speak. I did my best not to hear it though. Too many hisses, and apart from that I don't want to know what's on their menu for tonight. Where's a Ring of Power when you need one?

Legolas, being spiffy warrior Elf and all, started shooting at them right away, but as they advanced he leaped off of his horse and took to slicing them open. I gathered all my courage- which isn't much, so it didn't take very long- and followed his lead.

I had arranged my own knives, so at least I wasn't defenseless. Not that I got much further than defending anyway. It wasn't as if I was really good at wielding those stupid knives, plus that every time I slashed at one of the black monsters and actually hit target the intestines would come out and I'd shout "Eeeew!" or "Icky!".

At first Legolas and I were fighting back to back but soon the spiders managed to separate us. I heard the horses neighing in panic but I could not head to them; I could hardly save my own butt. Just then I noticed a particularly large spider creeping up on Legolas from behind, just as the said Elf was slicing one in front of him open.

'Legolas! Look ou-' he was halfway his motion of turning to me when the spider bit him and its venom stupefied him. I tried to fight my way toward him but there were just too many of the spiders, I was too poor a warrior and all the insides of the spiders on the forest floor made me feel sick. Within less than a second I too was entirely surrounded. This was it. It would all end here... wait a minute-

'I REFUSE TO BE EATEN BY A BUNCH OF OVERSIZED ARACHNIDS! I REFUSE TO DIE LIKE THIS! I REFUSE-' Snap. A spider bit me and I felt myself slowly sinking to the ground and losing conscience. Oh crap...

Twang! An arrow came flying from between the branches of the trees and a spider fell lifeless to the ground. More arrows followed. I fought the pain and the sleep, but all became black.

A tasty liquid brought me back to my senses, I doubt that it was long after I went out cold.

'Mmmm...' I moaned. It was yummy. I wanted more! I opened my eyes and looked straight into the eyes of... Tinwë?

'I know that I look good, but really honey you can overdo it when you're waking up,' he grinned.

'Ha ha. Very funny, Tinwë.'

'I'm glad to see you too. Why did you run off without telling?'

'How'd you find us?' I asked in return.

'Well, the trail was still new, and apart from that I believe that every living thing in the range of thirty leagues has heard your scream. It was easy- what do you mean, "us"?'

'Legolas and I, who else?'

'Legolas was with you?' his eyes grew wide; whether this was out of sudden concern or slight jealousy with an angry undertone... I could not tell.

'D'oh,' I smacked my forehead, but groaned because it caused a pounding headache. Tinwë set a small flagon to my lips and gave me another sip of the yummy drink from heaven, or Mirkwood for that matter.

'That's odd. From you going out on your own I would've expected you to get lost, but with Legolas around I'd think you'd be less stupid...'

That is so not funny. 'I love you too,' I replied.

He smirked. 'Let's go find that silly brother of mine.' He held out his hand to me and helped me get up.

'Just so long as you don't think that you're getting away with those comments you just made.'

'Can't wait for you to punish me,' he grinned again. Excuse me- I have to go and slam my head into the nearest tree a couple of times. I'll be right back.

Fortunately Tinwë had already caught and calmed my horse, but Legolas' horse wasn't near. We were lucky to find it not far off, drinking calmly from a small forest stream. From there we had to go back to the clearing and search for traces. With a Wood-elf on your side those things are suddenly a lot easier. Therefore it only took us about ten minutes before we found Legolas, hanging from a tree, covered in cobwebs. Legolas, and three remaining spiders.

Tinwë gestured for me to stay where I was and be quiet, then he carefully approached the creatures. Before they knew what was happening to them they already lay lifeless on the ground, their blood staining the grass. I squealed, got off of my horse and ran toward Tinwë. He smiled and turned to me. I jumped him, he caught me and I kissed him. Eventually he put me down and leaned in to kiss again. A moan stopped him. Or rather, a sigh and a _groan._ We turned our faces to the source of the sound.

'If you don't mind, could anyone get me down now?' Legolas's muffled voice came from through the cobwebs. Tinwë grumbled and drew a knife as he walked toward the hanging heap of Legolas. He cut the thread loose above Legolas' head and with a thud the Elf landed on the floor. I snickered.

'Anything else, your majesty?' Tinwë said in mock-politeness.

'If it's not too much trouble, then yes, I'd like to have these sticky things removed.' With a sigh Tinwë sat down and carefully started cutting Legolas' sticky covering open. After a little while there sat two princes in the grass, one smirking and one looking mightily pissed off. Welcome back Legolas.

~*~ Legolas's POV ~*~

__

Why am I doing this again? Right, because Aragorn and I had an understanding. And Elena alone I can still manage, at least, partly. The same goes for Tinwë. But Elena _and_ Tinwë is just too much. 

We'd ridden back to the main path and not far from there we'd made a camp. Then the said couple argued over Elena's departure, but then they decided that arguing was a waste of energy and that they'd discuss the rest later. Meaning that they were now glued to each other and kissing rather noisily and shamelessly, right at the other side of the fire. Highly frustrating.

'Would you two just stop that?' I asked. No reply. 'Could you go and do that elsewhere?' Still no response. 'Hello?' Tinwë pushed Elena backwards and crawled on top of her. Oh please. I'm not going to stay and watch this. 'I'll just be off for a walk then, if you need me.'

Fortunately I knew a small glade nearby and quietly headed there. I sat down against a tree and stared at the stars; the jewels of the nighttime sky. Singing softly to myself I started to compose a song of praise for Elbereth; there could never be enough of those.

It wasn't until late the next morning that I returned to our camp. That way Elena and Tinwë should've had enough time for their morning rituals and whatnots, and most importantly; they'd probably gotten dressed by now. To my relief my guess had been correct and the couple was lazily sitting against a tree; Elena comfortably leaning hear head against Tinwë's shoulder with her eyes closed. Enough of this! I cleared my throat.

'Legolas! There you are! We wondered where you could've gone off to!' Tinwë exclaimed as he looked up.

'No wonder...' I whispered to myself. 'Are you ready to depart? I'd like to be off before noon.'

'Almost.' He gently nudged Elena and her eyes shot open. 'Time to go,' he whispered.

'So soon?' she asked.

'This soon.'

She let out a sad sigh. 'Then I guess this is the final goodbye...' she let her fingers run through his hair. Still waiting...

'Be careful out there, and don't do anything silly. I can't always be there to rescue you,' Blessed be Elbereth! He's not coming with us! 'and I can't put much trust in my brother either...' He touched her side for a moment. I glared at him. I can take care of anyone perfectly fine, thank you very much.

'I know...' And there's another reason why I hate the girl... 'Goodbye then.' They kissed for a moment. How much longer are they going to need?

'Goodbye.' She got up, grabbed her pack and attached it to her saddle. She mounted her horse, and so did I.

'Ready to go?' she asked.

'**_I_ **was ready ages ago. I was waiting for you...' I replied irritably.

'Bye Tinwë!' she waved at him. I sighed and rode off. She'd follow me then, and not take another age before she was finally ready to go. To Rivendell and back as soon as possible was my goal now, and nothing would get in the way.

~*~ Elena's POV ~*~

I was sticky, covered in black gooey icky stuff, I stank, my hair was a mess, my clothes were stained with black spider blood... in other words: Prince of the Ponce wouldn't allow me to bathe again. How tiring can one person be? 

Very.

And I missed Tinwë, awfully. Legolas never really gave us the time for a proper goodbye, and I still felt as if a lot of things between us had been left unspoken, even though they were important. Aw, dammit, why couldn't he just be human? It's amazing how much I got attached to him in only a couple of days... 

It was now three days since the spiders and the stupid forest just didn't seem to come to an end. Legolas kept ordering me around again, Tinwë was nowhere in sight and even though the shadow had departed from the forest I still felt as though I was blind. I was still PMS-ing and right now I couldn't be more miserable. At least, that's what I thought. _Until _we came upon a dark stream that crossed the path, but there was no bridge. A bad feeling nested itself in the back of my mind and I shifted uncomfortably. For some reason or other it seemed so awfully familiar... Dark, crossing the path, no bridge, a shady air about it... hey; the enchanted stream! This is where Bombur fell in the water because of that deer! Whoa! Cool!

I bet I'll fall in...

'We'll be crossing this stream,' Legolas stated.

'Are we? How were you planning on doing that when there's no bridge?' I asked. Hah! Betcha he didn't think of _that_.

'Like that,' he pointed at a raft floating in the water not far from the path. Drat.

'Oh.' 

I watched Legolas as he dismounted and went to fetch the raft. I knew for sure that something would go wrong, I could just feel it...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

E/N: Well, that's all for now- sorry for cutting off there. But then again, that's what a cliffhanger was invented for; and otherwise this chapter would go on WAY too long. Hope you enjoyed it!

Love, peace and a paperclip,

-xxx- Elvea

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Elvea's Elvish Helpdesk. Sort of.

Please note that these phrases took ages to get right. Hard work's been put into them, forgive me if a mistake is made in one or two places. I've spent hours on studying Tolkien's languages, so I know what I'm doing. Be aware that I did not simply copy these phrases from some website but constructed them myself. Please also note that the Grey Company website contains Elven (which is only _loosely_ based on Tolkien's work), not _Elvish_. Phrases found there are not in proper Elvish (although I just _love_ the term mani'oio). Thank you.

naneth – mother

ada (plural _adar_) – father

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IMPORTANT NOTE: Some of the reviews were deleted in the FF.Net crisis a while ago. If you're not in the list below for some reason then please accept my apology- I couldn't find your review anymore...

Nienna Telrunya: =) Thanks for the compliments! It is very flattering of you to leave them- I'm glad that you like my style. After all, I'm trying the best I can. I hope you have enjoyed this chapter as well!

Hiro-tyre: Thanks for the review, I guess... I suppose it was meant to be positive, but I couldn't entirely tell for certain...

The_moron: Thank you muchly for your review- it is very appreciated. Just one thing... exactly _why_ are you a dickhead?

The Whisperer: Yes, Tinwë does mean spark. Originally it was the name Tolkien chose for Elwë Singollo, but later he changed it for some reason or other. In any case, it isn't really a Quenya or Sindarin name- it goes back to the root of the elvish languages. And congrats with finishing the Silmarillion, it's a very nice book. Beleg Cúthalion s one of my favorite Elves... and Finrod Felagund. He's cool. I learned a lot from Ardalambion (there are essays on the grammar there), and have used the links he left there to get to good elvish dictionaries. Eventually I found some good ones for Quenya and Sindarin. If you want me to, I could look up the links for you.

Sycogerl64: If it makes you feel any better- I joined the PPC to help get rid of the 'Sues. And I'm currently writing an essay as to why writing a Sue is not a good idea. I hope it helps... glad you enjoyed it!

murr: Actually, I've been in Holland. And Germany. And in school, studying exams. But I'm glad you like my story and exercise such patience... thank you for the review!

Erikalya Arvanesse: Here's your update, hope you like it! And thank you for the 3 reviews; I'm glad you enjoy the story and find it worth complimenting- I0m doing the best I can not to make it cliché.

Insane Person of the Darkness: *blinks* Uh, right... that was an... interesting review... I take it that it was positive? It seems to be... thanks anyway; always good to see some insanity developing!

Witchmaster: *nods* Indeed, we wouldn't be in that situation in the first place... *sigh* How I would love to meet Beleg Cúthalion or Finrod Felagund... they're so spiffy... *goes all fangirly* *is scared of self*

Oasisrocker: I know what you mean- I have had the same problem. I'm glad you think me to be a good author; it is always nice to be appreciated. I hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much as everyone else... as to Legolas and Elena... now that would be telling! ;-)

Hoppi: Heh. Very amusing review... don't worry- I didn't fall off the face of the Earth... yet. Anyway, great to see such enthusiasm! Hope you enjoyed the update!

ElvenPickle: =) Don't give up hope- I will always be back! *insert evil laughter here* Uh, right... 'twas quite a strong line indeed... Legolas is quite good at bitching, apparently. Evil muse… Oh yeah- I put the expression up in the Hall of Expressions on my website. If you have more to submit; they're all welcome! I'll see if I can add the saying into the story somehow...

Insane Orli: Yes, it became a fic. Check out "Chaos, panic, disorder, my work is done here" if you're interested. And I'm glad that you enjoy this story. |:o) (Btw- Legolas is too proud to watch her achieve something alone...)

Skylar: Thank you very much for your nice review- I'm glad to see that you like Tinwë so much. He's a very cute Elf... I shall not stop writing, I like the story too much for that...

Kat: You evil reviewer, you... ;-) Legolas is a real prick sometimes... what a royal pain in the backside... *deep sigh inserted here* Wish I could have Tinwë for real... cute bad boy Elf-ness... =) Glad you liked the chappie!

BloodyVixen: Yes, Legolas is a meanie... I take it your review meant that you liked it?

Ariach: o.O you really read a lot... wow. *blushingness* Nice of you to say that you think this story is good... 'tis very appreciated. And please don't send Legolas after me; Estel in my head is bad enough...

Videl-14: Mirkwood always sounded scary to me too... fortunately this is set after WotR and the Shadow had already departed... yup, on the road again... and as you can see it means trouble! =) happy you enjoy it.

Raphael the Andromeda: =) You're welcome. And no, thankingness isn't a word, but it's typically something I would say too... which is nice. Thank you for the review. As to Highschool: I'm going to kill Endy, I think. But I really hope that an update won't be too far away anymore...

Chocolat elf: Heheh, lazy bum. Oh well... And it needed to fall back in to place at one point- simple mockery without any progress and growing of characters would have gotten boring... more on-the-road trouble coming up, yet slightly different. Enjoy the summer!

Elanhin: Now, now... hate is a strong word... maybe temporarily disliking Legolas for being such a prick? Thanks for the review- good to see that you enjoy it.

sexyelvenfreak: Uhm... well, it's good that you enjoy my story. But one thing to be set straight- Elena is a fictional character; I made her up. We have pretty much nothing in common, in fact- I'm not even a Legolas fangirl. And I do believe that Elena's dilemma is interesting, yes. Thank you for the review.

Narikia: =) Thank you! Glad you liked my story so far!

Missy: Thank you for your sensible, civilized and kind review. It was very helpful. Now I shall also be helpful, and give you the definition of a flame. "A personal attack on the author, not necessarily related to the works of said author." As for constructive criticism... "A judgement of a piece of work, built up slowly in a civilized manner with helpful tips for improvement." Telling me what to do and what I should not do falls in the first category, not the last. I don't mind you not liking my story, but don't take it out on me. It makes no sense. And tips for improvement would be more welcome than some angered shouts. As to having to "stop degrading Tolkien's characters into sissy boys"... did you even read the books? Then surely you know of "Ai! Ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come!" I based Legolas on what Tolkien left for me; which isn't much and that leaves a lot of wriggle room for me. My Legolas, to be frank, is more in character than in most of the stories here. If you don't like a less than perfect Legolas (I'm sorry honey, but he just isn't perfect. Live with it) then I suggest that you go find yourself a nice Mary Sue story and enjoy it. It seems more suitable to your taste. Apart from that, I wrote this story for the sole purpose of mocking Legolas. Can you read properly in the first place? Surely you must have noted the warning in the summary and the ten warnings or so in the first author's notes. As to my sense of humor- I appreciate it, people who know me appreciate it and every other reader but you appreciates it for what it is. I will not simply change it for one in two hundred or so. Nor should you change _your_ sense of humor; all you should learn is that your opinion is nothing more than that and it will have no effect in getting things to go your way unless you support it with strong arguments. And as far as I can see, there are none. Denethor enjoyed your flame. Have a nice day, 'Missy'.

Black Pearl: Hmmm... Legolas in need of slapping? I shall keep it in mind... glad you still read my fic and seem to enjoy it. =)

Mellon: I might just send you the translation, but I must warn you- is a bit of dirty talking... ;-) Glad you enjoyed the chapter!

Special thanks to the following people for bothering to e-mail me their reviews:

Pam Erickson / Laura: Leggy-poo? *blinks* Okay... well I'm glad that you enjoy this so much anyway, despite my Legolas-bashing. =) I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well. As to where I come up with it- I wish I knew for certain, then I'd go there more often... thanks for the compliments!

Gizmo LittleWing: It needed character exploring- it would get boring and a drag otherwise. Am v. happy that you enjoy it so much. Thankingness!

Jonathan Bauman: Thank you for your suggestion- I'll keep it in mind. (In fact, a plot bunny just jumped at my leg. You might see something of your idea in one of the next chapters.) I'm glad that you like my story, I hope you will keep enjoying it until it's done. Thanks for the e-mail! =)


	12. Sweet Dreams

IOHITF – WARNING: Contains Legolas-mocking!

E/N: As I write this "Elvy's Note" I realize that it is almost a year since I last updated. Looking at the various hand-written sheets next to me on my desk I realize that I wasn't sure exactly where to take this interlude chapter- version six, dated somewhere in October, goes to prove that. There are two versions from early November, and the trail pretty much ends there- November was when it all really got bumpy with me. The chapter you have before you is a mix of the eight versions I've written, that is, I took what I thought made the chapter best, and decided which final demi-plot line I would take for Legolas's awakening.

Reason for this outrageous delay is something I don't want to specify here, as I don't want to share it with every single person on the web, seeing as, technically, any random person has access to this page. All I'll say is that I've been going through some emotionally challenging times, and I know that it won't change any over the upcoming six months, if not longer. However, now that I have a holiday and won't be going anywhere for the next two months, I have some time to get myself together for a bit, and write. Which is exactly what I've been doing these past two weeks or so. From this point on there will likely be just two more IOHITF chapters, and then it's done. I regret that, because I like writing this fic, but I'm also glad, because then I'll have completed it at long last. I hope to get those chapters up before the end of my summer holiday, but I won't make it a promise, as I don't know if I can keep it. Anyway, I've completed this chapter and hope to see the next one done soon after this one. I also hope that you'll enjoy this chapter as much as the former ones, and that you'll all be relieved that I haven't given up writing.

With love and care,

Elvea.

PS: Yes, the month in Spain was awesome. Yes, I kept a diary of it. Yes, it's online. Yes, I'll leave you the link. It's right here, if you care: of pop-ups)

Disclaimer: The Lord of the Rings and the names of the characters, events, items and places therein are the trademark of the Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises etc. Guess what that means. It means that nearly everything in this fic is _not mine_. I'd love to own it all, but alas. I'm not getting anything out of this other than a sadistic pleasure and the occasional review.

_This chapter is dedicated to my mother, who's always been a great example to me, and for whom I care much, now and always. Love you._

_" 'Bombur has fallen in! Bombur is drowning!' he cried. [...]_

_They could still see his hood above the water when they ran to the bank. Quickly they flung a rope with a hook towards him. His hand caught it, and they pulled him to the shore. He was drenched from hair to boots, of course, but that was not the worst. When they laid him on the bank he was already fast asleep, with one hand clutching the rope so tight that they could not get it from his grasp; and fast asleep he remained in spite of all they could do." (the Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, chapter 8; Flies and Spiders)_

* * *

Chapter 11 – Sweet Dreams

* * *

--- Elena's POV --- 

I laughed. 'You're joking, right?'

He gave me a blank look. 'No, I am not. We will cross the stream on that raft.' He turned and walked back to me, gesturing for me to dismount. I didn't. 'Come on, get going. We can't stand here all day. Get off the horse, and onto the raft.'

'It'll sink the moment I step onto it. I just _know_ it will.'

'It would be wise to put more faith in the power of my people.'

'That's what I said, it's gonna sink.'

He fixed a most unsettling glare on me. 'We will cross the stream using this raft, and you will go first.'

I could tell by the tone of his voice and the scariness of his glare that this was business. Serious business. Bloodcurdling, spine-tingling, terrifying business. Business as in "do as I say or I'll use you for target practice". And with very well-trained bow-twangers, you don't want to take the risk. I gulped. Creepy wannabe Vulcan. Stupid pointy-ear with vampire complexion.

In a flash of genius I realized something important. 'Say, smartass,' I grinned at the odd look he gave me, 'how are you planning on getting the raft back to your side once I've crossed the stream?'

'The power of my people will aid me,' he folded his arms and smirked at me triumphantly. I wondered what would happen if a Balrog suddenly came running into the scene and set the remainders of Legolas's precious hair on fire. He'd squeal like a pansy for one thing... I grinned.

'And what makes you think I won't run off while you're crossing?'

'I'd hate to think wishfully.'

Ha. Fucking. Ha.

---

I put my foot onto the raft carefully. Surprisingly enough, it stayed afloat. I walked onto it entirely, leading Roheryn with me. Seeing as nobody had told me her name, I'd given the mare a name myself. I've always loved the name of Aragorn's horse. "Horse of the lady." Somehow it seemed appropriate. The raft hadn't gone down yet, but it didn't mean by a long shot that I trusted the thing, let alone Legolas near the thing. It would be so like him to make it sink somewhere halfway, just as I'm beginning to believe that I might actually make it to the other side without getting wet. I looked for a way to get the raft moving. There was none.

'Tell me again, how am I supposed to make this thing move?' I asked. Suddenly the raft began moving all by itself. I shrieked. Legolas smirked at me from the nearer bank.

'I told you- the power of my people will-'

'Take the power of your people and stick it where the sun don't shine.' I hate him. I hate him. IhatehimIhatehimIhatehim. Grrr.

It didn't take long before I reached the other side safe and sound. I got off with Roheryn as fast as I could. You can never tell what kind of evil tricks those Wood-elves still have up their sleeve. It was a pleasant surprise that I hadn't gotten an unwanted bath, and I intended to keep it that way. Still, that Elf was up to something, and I knew I wouldn't like it. The raft floated back to Legolas. If only I could beat him to the trick somehow...

I took another step and walked headfirst into a low-hanging branch. _Ouch_.

There was no sound coming from the other bank. No sniggering. No sneering comment. Nothing. Rubbing my sore face I looked back and saw Legolas busy getting his horse onto the raft. He probably hadn't seen anything.

And then I came up with a brilliant plan, if I may say so myself.

I tested the suppleness of the branch I'd walked into. It was strong, but with the use of a little strength very well bendable. Perfect.

I mounted Roheryn, drew the branch back and waited patiently as Elf-boy began his journey across the stream. Roheryn blocked his view of the branch excellently. I grinned. He wouldn't know what hit him...

Legolas seemed to take ages to get across the stream, but in the end the raft made it to this bank anyway. Legolas set foot ashore. I hoped he'd come to the right place. He did.

Smiling smugly he looked at me. 'Didn't I-' Swoosh! The branch swooped at him and he couldn't dodge it in time. It hit him square in the face. He stepped back in order to maintain his balance, only to walk into his horse that had followed after him from the raft. Legolas stumbled forward again, apparently having lost his coordination. I sniggered. He stepped sideways, ever-so-cleverly getting his left leg into the stream. The cold of the water seemed to somewhat bring him back to his senses, and he jerked his leg back out.

He turned around and sent me the foulest of looks. 'You vile little-' He fell face-first onto the ground. I blinked. Huh?

I dismounted and walked over to him. 'Legolas?' No response. 'Elf-boy? Legging-las?' Nothing. 'Yo! Lame excuse for an Elven being!' No sign of life whatsoever.

Carefully I prodded his side with my foot. He remained still. I decided to throw some obscenities at him, they usually got him going, and I was sure that it wouldn't make a difference this time. The best way of getting Legolas active is to say all the things he does not want to hear.

'You're as gay as a spring parade, Legsie. You're a fucking faggot. You're the gayest gay Elf ever to have drawn breath in Middle-earth. Aragorn is your one true love...?' he remained as still as a corpse. But he couldn't be dead. Right?

I knelt down next to him, my heart beating as though it was getting paid 300% overtime. I reached towards him, terrified. It'd be just like him to suddenly leap up and grab my arm, scaring the shit out of me, and then to proceed and torture me for what I'd said and done. After all, this is Legolas I'm talking about. He's evil. And he'd obviously been up to something. He might just be using this new situation to his advantage.

I poked him between his ribs. Not a single motion, not even the slightest bit. Slowly and very cautiously I rolled him over onto his back, thanking Eru for creating light-weight Elves.

I looked at his face, and couldn't help but smirk at the sight. He was covered with mud. His mouth and eyes were closed, his chest slowly rose and fell. Well, at least he was alive. His jaw dropped a bit, and he began to snore. The Elf was snoring! _Snoring!_ The water of the stream had to have caused this all somehow, closed eyes and snoring included. But only his leg had gotten wet- could the enchanted stream really be this powerful?

I tried to recall from The Hobbit how fast the water had worked on Bombur. Pretty fast, but then again, Bombur had fallen in entirely. It made no difference though. Legolas was sound asleep, and reasoning sure wasn't going to wake him up.

Great job, Einstein. Now what?

---

Three days, and the Elf was still snoring. Just bloody fantastic.

I'd lifted up Legolas and hung him across his horse (which took quite some time, as I'm slightly clumsy and inexperienced when it comes to tossing Elves over horses- hope the bruises are gone by the time he wakes up), then I'd mounted Roheryn and taken the reins of Elf-boy's horse. Fortunately his horse was smart enough to understand that it was important to co-operate, and followed without making trouble. Adding to my luck was the fact that there was only one path, and it was easy enough to follow. Leading two horses I couldn't go fast, so it took me nigh on four days to make it out of Mirkwood.

As for today, I spent it mostly getting away a bit from the forest, because even though the darkness was supposed to be banished, I still didn't trust it for a single bit. Especially not after nearly having been eaten by spiders the size of... the size off... well, they were _huge_ in any case.

Not that I knew where I had to go anyway- somewhere in the general direction of the Misty Mountains, yes, but that's not very helpful, is it? They go a looooong way from north to south, and it's not like I have the remotest clue where the passes are. Sure, I can vaguely think of where the Pass of Imladris is supposed to be, but I have no idea how to get there and, more importantly, how to recognize it once I get there. Moreover, orcs still roamed the mountains and seeing as I'm not exactly what you would call a skilled warrior... bad idea. Thus I had decided to stay somewhere halfway the mountains with their bands of ugly orcs, and the forest and its bighugenastyevil spiders. If this was even close to halfway, of course.

And then there was the problem of food. I hadn't got much left, just what still remained of what I brought from Thranduil's halls. At first I thought that I might be able to shoot a rabbit or something, but I soon abandoned that idea upon realizing that I'd have to skin it myself. _Yuck._ And I wasn't a good archer, let alone a huntress.

My stomach complained again. Why didn't the Elf just wake up?

There was of course a brighter side to all of my misery. Actually, there were two. First and foremost, of course, was that I wouldn't be suffering Legolas's continuous nagging for a while. The second plus point was that the Great River was just about the corner, I could hear the water running from where I sat. That meant that I wouldn't dehydrate- I'd almost been out of water. And I could bathe!

I prayed there weren't any packs of hungry wolves about, or orcs or wargs for that matter. I knew they feared fire, but I had none and reasoned that a wayward, defenseless traveler would be a favorite on the menu.

---

Returning to the camp I found the horses and Legolas still alive and in one piece. I'd just taken a bath in the river- which, by the way, really _is_ big and icy cold- and my hair was still moist. The sun was sinking away behind the mountains now, causing me to wonder how long it would take before it would be dark.

I looked around. Plenty of firewood, just no way to light it. The Elf had usually provided me or himself with the means to do so.

In a flash of genius the thought struck me that Legolas had to have something in his pack to make a fire with. Immediately I began searching through his pack and not much later managed to dig up two small flints from among the contents. Quickly I gathered some firewood together and piled it in what I thought to be a convenient way on the dry earth. I really seemed to be lucky today; the soil was pretty sandy here and that should make it relatively safe to start a fire.

It took me a while to actually get the fire going, as flints aren't exactly a convenient way of making fire with. That is, it's easy to get sparks, it's harder to set the right things on fire. I like my hair and clothes, you know. Besides- you'd think that, bright as they are, those Elves would at least've thought of a tinderbox by now. At least I got a fire going, though, and it was nice and warm. I laid down on my bedroll and closed my eyes.

My stomach complained again, and I sat back up. Maybe there still were a few edible substances in my pack. Probably not, though. I was through most of my supplies, and I was going to have to spare as much as possible for the days ahead. After all, it wasn't as if I knew when the snoring Elf-type was going to wake up.

I decided to have a grand search through my pack anyway and pulled it onto my lap. Upon opening it, I found the resin I'd stuffed into my pack just before I left my chamber. I didn't really know why I took it- other than using it to annoy Legolas somehow, it had no purpose. I pondered what I could do with it, but decided against using it on the Elf. As he was right now, it was too easy. Far too easy. There wasn't any fun in it this way.

In the end I figured I could heat it above the fire I'd made, so that it would melt and I could apply it on my legs. I hadn't had a chance to do anything about them since I first arrived in Middle-earth, and they were horribly hairy; I felt like an orangutan. I was a living fur-ball. _Yuck._

As a bonus, it gave me something to do and might just distract me from my hunger.

---

It hurt like hell and tore away part of my skin with it. I groaned loudly in pain as I ripped the last bit of resin off of my leg.

This was my worst idea since I ended up here, by far. I could've known it wasn't a clever thing to do; it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this wasn't at all like what they sell in the stores back home. That stuff's been mixed with other things, and made more skin-friendly to prevent it from taking off the skin along with the hair. Why oh why couldn't I think of that sooner? I am so stupid. Ouch, ouch, ouchity, _OUCH_.

--- Legolas's POV ---

Somebody let out a loud, painful groan near me when I woke up. I kept still and pondered on the events by the stream. I had no idea how long I'd slept, but my dreams, at least, had been pleasant. Quite pleasant, even. Still, the blundering wool-headed fool going by the name Elena was going to pay for what she'd done.

Finally I sat up and looked around, wondering where in the name of Tauron I could be. Obviously somewhere in the wilds, but how did I _get_ here? Elena couldn't have taken me here, could she? She barely has the skill to ride a horse in the first place...

And what in the name of Elbereth was she doing to her legs anyway?

I blinked. Elena was sitting near the fire, her legs bare and only wearing her tunic. She must've been entirely unaware that I was awake and looking at her, or she would've acted differently. Right now, she was carefully running her fingers across her legs, looking as though she was in great physical pain. I halfway expected her to start crying. The skin on her legs was all read and irritated, here and there even partially torn off somehow. I could understand the anguish.

'Elena?' I asked carefully. She looked up at me and paled.

'When did you wake up?'

'Just now, I- what are you _doing?_' I interrupted myself.

'None of your business. Leave me alone,' she looked at her legs miserably.

'You're hurt.'

'Thanks, Captain Obvious. Stop gloating over it,' she glared at me. 'It's not like you care anyway.'

'As a matter of fact, I do care. You might get an infection, and that means we'll be delayed. I intend to make it to Rivendell as soon as possible, and our journey has taken up far too much time already. I won't allow for any more tarrying.'

'I don't think my legs will care much about what you say and what you disallow.'

'How bad is it?'

'Just scratches, stop nagging.' She winced. She was clearly contradicting herself, it made no sense to me. Scratches and irritated skin were nothing unusual on long journeys, I always carried some ointments for ailments like that whenever I went out riding. I was sure to have something that could be used on her legs, and she needed it, too. It looked pretty bad, despite what she was saying.

I grabbed my pack and found what I was looking for in no time. I fished out a small jar and got up. In an instant I sat down next to her and opened it.

--- Elena's POV ---

'This should ease the pain a bit,' Legolas said as he stuck two fingers in what appeared to be a small jar with some kind of smooth, greenish balm.

'I said I was fine,' I glared at him.

'And I said that I didn't want you to get an infection,' he stubbornly started bringing his now greenish fingers to my legs.

'Touch me and you'll regret it. I mean it,' I growled. He doggedly ignored it and his fingers met my thigh on a sore spot, just below the line of my tunic.

That's _it_. Ignoring me is bad enough, but to attempt to use this whole salve-thing as an excuse to just... just... _grope_ at places is the limit. I warned him- he shouldn't touch me and certainly not mere inches away from there. I fiercely kicked at him and hit him against the chest, knocking him backwards. My other foot hit him square in the face. He fell backwards and rolled onto his side, into a sort of fetal position, covering his face with his hands and groaning loudly. That should teach him. Perverted bastard.

'Wy wose... wu woke wy wose!' he wailed.

'I hope it hurts,' I growled, then picked up the little pot of balm and started applying the stuff myself. I had to admit that Legolas was right about one thing; although the balm stung, it soothed the pain.

--- Legolas's POV ---

First, you wake up having no idea where you are, trying to figure out what has happened over the time you've been pleasantly sleeping away an enchanted sleep. Then, you find your luggage mutilating her legs for some reason or other, leaving you in oblivion as to why. Deciding that it's not going to be pleasant hearing continuous whining on painful legs for the rest of the journey, or having to heal festering legs later on during the journey, you figure it's a good idea to offer some help, if only to make it all a little easier for yourself. So you get your salve, try to apply it gently, and what do you get in return?

_A **foot** up your **face**._

Nice. Real nice.

I sat back up, still feeling a bit dizzy. I lowered my hands and looked at the blood incredulously. My nose had to be broken. It wouldn't bleed that much otherwise. Right? It probably wouldn't hurt this much otherwise either.

'If you want the bleeding to stop, squeeze your nose shut firmly and lean your head backwards a bit,' Elena said dryly, not looking up from what she was doing. Like I'd believe her. Her advice was about as reliable as that of Morgoth. If Morgoth's advice wasn't more reliable, of course.

...was she applying the balm by herself now?

'Fine, don't take my advice then. Not like I care.' Elena seemed to be done and snatched up her pants from beside her. I turned away and tried to get the bleeding to stop in the meantime.

'What was the kicking good for anyway?' I asked after having successfully made the bleeding stop.

'For the fact that you're a filthy, perverted Elf.'

'I wish I was still sleeping,' I grumbled. Elena just never made sense. She probably just needed an excuse to kick me. Wish I could go back to my dreams...

'Don't worry, Elf-boy, so do I.'

I hate that girl.

* * *

E/N: All done now, chapter, notes, footnotes, quote and everything. All this will need now is my beta (by the time you'll read this, it's already been there, of course) and the comments to all your reviews. Won't be long before I finally get to post this. Hope you've enjoyed it.

With love and care,

Elvea.

PS: Yes, Elena is a first-class straight-A bitch in deserving of a good flogging and being smitten for all that she does to Legolas. Because she goes too far, you see. Even **_I _**think so, and I'm not a Legolas fangirl. Don't worry though, she'll get what she deserves.

* * *

Elvea's Elvish Helpdesk. Sort of.

Really more an explanation for any names you might run into in the fic and are not familiar with. Well, this time anyway. Next time I might actually be using Elvish again. Or not. Oh well, we'll see how it works out.

Tauron – Lord of the Forests, a Vala, known to the Eldar as Oromë. Sindar and Silvan Elves use his name 'Tauron,' which, of course, is not to be mistaken with 'Sauron'.

Morgoth – I've mentioned him a few times before, I know, but for those of you who still desire explanation: the Big Bad Evil Dude. Eviller than Sauron, and not joking. Sauron was just his assistant back when Morgoth still got to be dark, scary, and, well... evil.

Elbereth – Lady of the Stars, one of the Valier (Queens of the Valar), and to the Eldar known as Varda. But yes- in Middle-earth she was known mainly as Elbereth, occasionally also mentioned as 'Gilthoniel'.

* * *

Melime – I'm glad that you've enjoyed the story so far, and I just hope I didn't let you down on this one. I'm also glad I actually managed to update again. Tinwë didn't actually go with them. He came after Elena, but only for a proper goodbye, because he realized he couldn't come home with her. And I actually kinda like the image of Legolas with spikes. Then again, I'm on a hormone-high here due to period goodness, so maybe that influences my judgment a bit. Right. Anyway. Thank you for your well-wish and review. :)

Mellon1 – Not sure if this should be counted among the best of best, but thanks for thinking so anyway. Here's your update, hope it's satisfying. I'm not sure if I have an actual translation of the elvish section anywhere on my computer- I don't think so in any case, I just wrote it as I went along. It's not particularly interesting, just some naughty dialogue.

prettyfoot – whee! Another person to agree with me! He's in _desperate_ need of bashing. Because of all the fangirls, but also because he's just a silly character to begin with. Fetching the sun, I mean, _honestly._

Lala – Jason is Tinwë? Hmmm... interesting theory. Travelling after her, go back in time etc... I see why that could make sense, yes. I have to disappoint you, though. Jason isn't Tinwë. Keep thinking on it all. ;)

Agent – I suffer from Terminal Cliffhanger Syndrome. I try not to, but it happens just about every time. I'm just glad this isn't a real cliffie, as such. Glad you're okay with not-so-perfect Legolas. I have a theory that he really isn't perfect, anyway, and Legolas in this fic is a reflection of what he could be like, albeit slightly less annoying, of course. I might one day write an essay on it all, explaining my Legs based on various quotes. But that's something undecided just yet. As to Rivendell and Elrond- well, all I can say is; naughty, naughty Aragorn. You'll see what's going on exactly, so I won't wpoil the last two chapters for you. It'll be explained.

Nienna Telrunya - I'm a sucker for puppy eyes. Don't do that to me! [hides] As to the meaning of 'daro'... according to Christopher Tolkien (aka the Guy Who Left Us With Loads Of Sources For Elvish And Middle-earth History), as he states in the Unfinished Tales, his father noted that 'daro' means 'stop, halt'. Chris Tolkien being the most reliable resource for translating any elven language, I'm putting my money on him over web-dictionaries. ;)

kazle - As I stated in the E/N, yeah, I'm going to finish this fic, don't worry. My emotional life just suddenly got all messed up and needed tending to before anything would work. I have some real time for myself now, so I hope to get the last two chaps up soon. Don't worry, I'm not abandoning you all on IOHITF. :)

mintandsage - Good to see you enjoy it, hope you liked the update.

Phoenix Flight - Like I said to Lala above, interesting reasoning, but inaccurate, I'm afraid. You'll see how it's all put together over the next two chapters, if you don't figure it out for yourself before that time. ;) And yes, sweet dreams indeed, but for Legolas. I felt he deserved some peacefulness after all of Elena's abuse. Mean bitch, that girl. And I love TreeHugger's stories, just excellent quality. I wish I could write like that. --"

eye-changling - Your review at the time was a good reminder for me, because I'd left IOHITF for a bit after having had bad news. That is, I had those various versions, but no final choice made, and an emotional life that was getting in the way. I posted something on my bio the minute I got your review (review-alerts are worth millions, I swear), because I realized there should be some explanation. Back then, I didn't foresee it would take me this long, nor did I want it to. Now, ages later, I have finally updated, and a lot more certainty. There's a realistic chance that it'll all get bumpier for me soon, but with school out of the way at least, I have the time to sort things out the minute they happen, which gives room for creativity. Aka: I don't plan on taking another year. I do hope to get the next chapter up in about a month's time (sooner would be better, of course), but as you said, I'll be cautious with that promise. On the 'let's get to the brighter review-side,' it's good that you gave me the boot up the bum for a bit there, because I needed a reminder. I'm glad that you think this Girl In Middle-earth has worked better than most- it's what I'm hoping to achieve, after all. :)

Murr - Didn't mean to abandon you... :( sorry... forgive me, for the love of cute and irresistible smileys? Have been to LaLa-land for a while, then went on to EmotionalDistress-land, and have now stranded in SortingThingsOutAndGettingBackOnTrack-land. (What a journey, ne?) Aka: I found the time, energy and creativity to finish all this up. I hope you enjoyed the update. :)

Cerulean Sky - I like your reasoning! Very sensible, yesyes. Well, here's the next bit and the ending's in sight, so don't worry about where it's going. Hint: Rivendell. ;)

Legolas stalker - And in the category of better late than never... this update, perhaps? I hate myself for taking this long, but oh well. At least I got it done, right? Poor, poor Tinwë. He gets dragged into the mess, and then he can't come along. I feel sorry for him as well. [pouts] Legolas is so wonderfully uptight sometimes- I love it. As for slash- nah, I can handle slash, I'm incredibly open-minded. I'd take it so far as to say that hardly anything really bothers me. Then again, I'm a strange, strange person. Oh well.

Xx-AnGeLiC dEvIl-xX – Spain was awesome, thanks. Good to see you've been enjoying it so far.

Hiro-tyre – Uhm, lemme look that up... you said... "This is the funniest piece of crap that I have ever read! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" I guess I got confused over 'piece of crap' somehow. Just thwack me if I'm being silly- I don't get thwacked quite often enough and that's a real shame...

Maethoriell Uini Tawar – Yeah, she does care for him, probably as a result of not having anyone else in Middle-earth. When people feel really lost and lonely, they can suddenly cling to whatever kind of caring they find. For Elena, that's Tinwë. It's a bit like he is hope for her- the chance that things might get better again.

Elise's Angelus – I'm afraid that I have never even heard of Moonlightning before (should I be ashamed? I have an excuse! I live in Europe!), but I see what you mean with the love-hate connection. And of course Elena is attracted to Legs- he's been her favorite character all that time, after all, and OrlandoBloom!Legolas didn't really help to get him off the first place, either. Her only real problem with Legolas is that she finds him not quite the Mister Perfect she always imagined him to be, and she sort of takes that out on him. I myself have never been too impressed with Legs (he wasn't really impressive in the books, character-wise, let alone in the films), and all the fussing over him after the films came out sort of bothered me, which is why I wrote this parody. Girl loves Legs, and is confronted with reality: he's not Mister Right any more than any other guy. As to whether or not I'd kick Legs (or Orli, for that matter) out of bed... well, uhm... probably not, if only because I know that I wouldn't miss out on a one-night-stand with a hot guy if given half the chance. (I hope a certain someone doesn't read this, or I'm dead meat. Seriously.) I'm just not a fangirl as such, but I agree that he looks fabulous. (Oh, forget it. I'm doomed.) And yes, Elena is a stroppy cow, in deserving of a good flogging. But I think I already said that.

Landos Star – I think you're giving me too much credit for my fic and writing, but hey, I don't mind. It'll be a nice little boost for my ego (uhoh). Update done!

ElvenPickle – Nope, the ant-fear was just a more or less random mentioning, meant to be suggestive and for you to fill in as you like. I don't think it'd enhance the story much if I did explain it anyway either, so I won't bother. I have it all pictured, but it's no use. Spain rocked, by the way. Hope you liked this update!

Mesopotamia – I share your theory about Legolas being less-than-perfect, although I doubt it has anything to do with looks. For elven standards, he's just average, after all. (Imagine the hotness of Finrod Felagund, hottest Elf-guy ever!) There were sexual tensions between them every time, so you were absolutely right there. As to curls- a response to the time I got a perm and discovered that hey, they look nice, but they tangle so easily and are a _bitch_ to tend to. I wouldn't get a perm again, in any case. Just semi-wavy will do for me, it's just less to take care off and I can be horribly lazy looks-wise...

AraelMoonchild – Spiders! Shelob! I loved what they did with Shelob in RotK. Brilliant bit of CGI etc there. I hearted it. Update here, hope you enjoyed it! :)

Insane Person of the Darkness – I'm glad the spider-scene worked out well. If it hadn't, the whole chapter would just have been crappy. I mean, if it lacked good description and a bit of suspense there, it would've missed the mark... and Spain was terrific. Horribly hot, but terrific.

Natzlin – I know, I guess I felt I just had to do spiders somewhere. Saying 'Mirkwood' is saying 'spiders,' obviously, like saying 'Shire' means saying 'Hobbits'. I just have this odd soft spot for oversized evil spiders. They rock. I ended up liking Tinwë as well- at first I feared I just couldn't, because he's a lot like Legolas, but he's entirely different at the same time. As to elvish, and in this case Sindarin- I must've spent far too much time in learning how to use it, but it's just such a beautiful language. And I feel that it's wrong to make up my own excuse for elvish in fan fiction simply because I'm too lazy to learn the real thing when all the sources are available. Yes, I do read slash now and then, but I don't really go look for it anymore. I find that most of the stories have a much too similar plot line (especially Aragorn/Legolas, which happens to be my favorite pairing), and then it gets boring. If you know some really good and original slashfics though, just tell me where to find them and what they're called.

Black Pearl – I don't feel sorry for Elena at all, to tell you the truth. She's a selfish bitch, really, and deserves everything that's coming for her. But perhaps that's just me. I like big, evil spiders, though, simply because they make cool bad guys. Like Oliphaunts, except Mirkwood spiders known how to talk. Freaky thought...

Gabby-the-elf – Hmmm, well, seeing as it's a sin not to update and I don't want to burn in Hell... I updated at long last. As for Tinwë leaving again- he had to go because he didn't belong on Earth any more than Elena belongs in Middle-earth, and both of them were very aware of that.

Kat – Prod me again in about for weeks or so from the moment I post this chapter, because I want to get the last two all done on schedule. Don't plan on letting other things get in the way again. Legolas and Elena are just so _hopeless_ sometimes. They just can't seem to stop bickering- they need to be slapped, both of them. And Elena is delightfully daft indeed, almost as if she's trying to get herself killed. Silly bint. Poor, poor Tinwë. Doesn't deserve to be subjected to all that. [cuddles Tinwë]

Elanhin – Give up on IOHITF? Never! I couldn't possibly do that, certainly not now that the finish line is getting in sight, chapter-wise. Legs and Elena still have a little journey ahead of them, of course. As for Tinwë returning... we'll see. Perhaps he still shows up, perhaps not. I'm not telling, in any case. ;)

cutie-lotr-obsessor-chic – I'm not sure if he'd really be such an ass, but I don't think he'd be perfect either. And don't downgrade your own stories! Even if they're not as good as someone else's, you can always take an example from those and use the examples and criticism you get to improve your own writing. It's my strategy, and it's definitely gotten me to improve. If I look back at my first fic ever and look at my style and quality now, I've come a long way, but there's still plenty of road ahead to explore, and that's exactly why writing is still fun and challenging.

Ralf – So, have you made it to this chapter yet? If so, how many times did you run for your dictionary? ;) Probably not often, this should be comprehensible enough even for the likes of you. =P And thanks for pointing out that typo in chapter 2, I'll correct it asap, as you're right. It should read 'bath,' like in the hand-written version, but I somehow fucked up typing it out. Surprised no one else noticed. Need to do some editing. Silly, silly Elvy.

Shannon / Enednilwen – By the time I'm writing this response, I have no idea whether or not I replied to your email when I first got it. If so, I'm probably a silly bint for doing it twice, if not, I deserve to be kicked as I usually do that sort of thing straight away. Like yours, my first fic was an evil, and I removed it because it was a monstrosity. Compared to that, IOHITF is so much better. (I get the feeling more and more as I go on that I did write a response back then, but oh well.) I'm not done improving my elvish just yet, as you don't learn all there is to know in a few weeks, but then again, I'm a perfectionist as well as linguistics freak, so I guess it makes sense. As for recommendations for learning elvish, I'd say all works Chris Tolkien published after his father's death are a good start, and as for real courses, I recommend Ardalambion (http:www.uib.no/People/hnohf/) and the courses at Council of Elrond are several online dictionaries as well, but most of them aren't too reliable. I'd stick to Chris Tolkien, the book you have, and the two sites I mentioned. It's hard to tell the nonsense from the real thing sometimes. Dutch is a horrible language, don't bother trying to learn it. I prefer English, really, but then again, I was raised with it as well. And the Glorfindel-essay is my favorite!


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